No, I said. She had difficulty in grasping that answer.
Isnt that rather awful? she asked.
Obviously it is awful. Its doing the government a lot of damage. Yet all the Foreign Office does is shrug its shoulders and say we mustnt upset the Qumranis. The FO simply cant see beyond its narrow selfish interests, I said.
It must be ghastly for her, said Annie.
Who? I asked. Then I realised she meant that nurse. Yes, I agreed.
Annie stared at me coldly. You dont care about her any more than the Foreign Office do.
I dont think thats entirely fair. [Not entirely fair, perhaps Ed.] Annie seemed to think that just as the Foreign Office is worried about its popularity with the Arabs, Im worried about my popularity with the voters. Thats not wholly true -- but in so far as it is true, whats wrong with it? Im an elective representative -- isn't it right and proper that in a democracy I should be concerned with pleasing the electorate?
Bernard came to the flat. I was irritated. It doesnt seem possible any more to have a quiet drink with my wife without being interrupted. He was wearing his coat and was clearly on his way home.
He apologised for the intrusion, but said it was important. The Foreign Office have just rung to say that the Bishop of Banbury and the Church Missionary Society have announced that we are sending the Dean of Baillie College to Qumran on a mercy mission to plead for that nurse.
This was good news. But I couldnt see why they were sending an Oxford don. Bernard explained that the man has faith in the Arabs.
Its good to hear of a senior member of the Church of England who has faith in anything, I said. But isnt this rather a hopeless journey?
Bernard thought not. Although hes a Christian hes an expert on Islam. Its a faith to faith meeting.
I smiled, and told Bernard to tell the Foreign Office that Im happy to support the trip. Bernard shook his head vigorously. No, no, he said, actually the Foreign Office want you to stop it. Theyre furious. They say its a futile gesture and will only impair our relationships with a friendly country.
This was really too much. I had no intention of stopping it. Its an excellent idea. At the very least it will look as though were doing something about her, and it might even save her. I sent Bernard home, after he reminded me that Lambeth Palace were pressing me for a decision about Bury St Edmunds.
Annie was curious. She asked what he meant.
Ive got to decide who should be appointed to the see.
Isnt that a job for the First Lord of the Admiralty?
No, Annie, I explained patiently. Im choosing a bishop.
She laughed uproariously. You? she gasped eventually. Thats ridiculous. She wiped her eyes, weak from laughing.
I couldnt quite see what was so ridiculous about it. I know Im not religious, but religion manifestly has nothing to do with it. Im Prime Minister. Annie couldnt see why religion has nothing to do with bishops so I explained to her that they are basically managers in fancy dress.
I showed her the papers from my red box. The Church of England has over 172,000 acres of land, thousands of tenants and leaseholds, and property and investments worth a total of 1.6 billion, comprising industrial, commercial and residential property, and agricultural land and woodland. So, really, the ideal bishop is a corporate executive -- a sort of merchant banker, personnel manager and estate agent.
Annie wasnt impressed. Speaking as a churchgoer, she said, Id prefer you to choose a man of God.
I was offered one of them, I explained. But he wants to turn the Church of England into a religious movement.
I see.
The other one, the one theyre trying to force on me, is a modernist.
Annie, being a churchgoer, knew the code. You mean a Marxist or an atheist?
Both, I revealed. Nobody minds the atheist bit, apparently. But being a Marxist could cause me a lot of trouble when he starts making speeches in the Lords.
Cant you reject him? asked Annie.
Id like to. But it will look political.
Annie was confused. But havent you just been explaining that the Church is political?
I was patient. Yes, Annie, but it mustnt look it.
She considered this for a few moments. So why dont you turn him down on religious grounds?
I couldnt see what she meant exactly. She explained. Does he believe in Heaven and Hell?
Of course not, I said.
The Virgin Birth? she asked.
Nope.
The Resurrection? asked Annie.
Nope. I was beginning to see what a great idea this was.
Isnt that enough to be going on with? she enquired. Shes brilliant. Simple common sense. It suddenly became clear to me that I can do what Humphrey suggested and ask for more candidates without it looking like political discrimination. Wonderful!
What I really need, I said to Annie, is a candidate who can get along with everyone.
You mean he mustnt have strong views on anything?
Annie puts it a little cynically, but that is basically right. But there is a proviso. I think it would help if he were inclined toward Christianity. That couldnt do any real harm. So what I actually want is a sort of closet Christian.
[A few days later amid much publicity the Dean of Baillie, the Rev. Christopher Smythe, embarked on his mercy mission to Qumran. When he arrived there he dropped out of sight for three days. Suddenly he re-emerged into the full glare of publicity to announce that he had succeeded in obtaining the release of Fiona McGregor, the young British nurse held there in prison. They were expected back in England the following day. This was thrilling news in Britain, especially in view of the fact that the pound had had another bad day. Sir Richard Wharton, the Permanent Secretary of the Foreign Office, made an entry in his private diary -- which was marked Private and Strictly Confidential. The diary was found recently in a basement in Carlton Gardens Ed.]
Monday, June 12
I am profoundly shocked by todays disastrous news. Whose idea was it to send that meddling parson to Qumran?
We had the situation completely under control here. We had made our protest, the nurse would have been quietly flogged and stuffed away in some Qumrani jail, and in a couple of weeks the press would have forgotten all about it.
The upshot is that theres terrific damage to the Foreign Office. We had almost got agreement to set up a signals listening post in Qumran. We had told them we wouldnt make any more fuss about the nurse if they signed. Now we have lost our best bargaining counter.
The only good thing to have resulted from this whole silly rescue is that it has got that nurses ghastly mother off my back. Shes been phoning and writing and telling the press we werent doing enough. And incredibly, the press took her side. They have been going on about how the Foreign Office should be more patriotic. This is nonsense. Our job is to get along with other countries. People have said a lot of unpleasant things about the Foreign Office but no one has ever accused us of patriotism.
It is hard to believe that the newspapers have such abject ignorance of diplomatic realities.
Now I foresee that there will be a problem with the PM, because we advised him against letting that clergyman go out there. He will say that we were wrong to tell the Cabinet it was impossible to get the nurse released. But we were right -- if theyd left it to the Foreign Office it would have been impossible.
[The following day Sir Richard received a note from Sir Humphrey Appleby Ed.]
70 Whithall, London SW1A 2AS
From the Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service
13 June
Dear Dick,
I believe that the F.O. is about to have a P.R. problem.
The press will say that the church succeeds where the F.O. fails. They may dig out all the old clippings about ambassadors Rolls Royces, five million pound embassies, school fees at Eton subsidised by the taxpayer, and what does Britain get from it all?