Even if its accurate, I commented.
Especially if its accurate, agreed Geoffrey. Theres nothing worse than accurate irresponsible ill-informed press speculation. But you could sent Humphrey off on gardening leave while we examine the rest of the Halstead papers.
This was also an appealing thought. But Humphrey is fairly useful, in spite of his many faults. And he is the Cabinet Secretary. I felt that I should keep him on unless his loyalty were really in question.
Geoffrey Hastings sees no problem in that. He handed me a file marked TOP SECRET: FOR THE PRIME MINISTERS EYES ONLY and told me that I could confront Humphrey with all the substantive evidence it contains.
But I didnt really want to interrogate Humphrey. If you dont seriously suspect him, shouldnt we just forget it? I asked.
He looked very doubtful indeed. Obviously its your decision, he rumbled in a sepulchral tone. On the other hand, if you did nothing and it emerged later that Sir Humphrey that he was one of them well, it might not look too good. Not to mention the fact that as Cabinet Secretary he co-ordinates all of our security services. There are no secrets from him.
I was forced to agree. Geoffrey rose from his chair, and straightened his baggy pinstripe suit. Personally, he concluded, I find it hard enough to believe that one of us was one of them. But if two of us were one of them he realised that this was a logical impossibility and tried to correct himself. Two of them, then all of us could be could be
He had painted himself into a corner. All of them? I suggested helpfully as I escorted him to the door. Thank you, Geoffrey, Ive heard enough.
June 26th
I couldnt talk to Humphrey about Sir John Halstead on Friday. I had appointments all day and so had he. But this morning we had a meeting already pencilled in.
It was to be about the defence cuts that Im looking for. I decided to have the meeting as planned, and then have a private word with Humphrey afterwards.
Ive been trying to find as many small savings in the defence budgets as I can. Defence expenditure in this country is completely out of hand. By the mid-1990s we shall only be able to afford half a frigate. This, I surmise, will be inadequate for our naval defences. The Secretary of State for Defence is getting nowhere so I have decided to take a look myself.
A simple way has emerged of saving three million pounds, for instance, and the Service Chiefs say it cant be done. Humphrey is backing them, of course, with the argument that any defence savings can be dangerous.
Ironically, the suggestion being made by the Service Chiefs is to close a hundred miles of coastal Radar Stations. And I know why theyre suggesting that particular economy: because it is dangerous, and therefore they know that I wont agree to it! But Im suggesting that they start eating some of their forty-three years supply of strawberry jam instead of buying more.
Humphrey couldnt -- or wouldnt -- see how that would help. As I understand it, Prime Minister, the Army havent got any strawberry jam. Its the Navy thats got it.
Hes right. But the army have seventy-one years supply of tinned meat. And the RAF, which has no strawberry jam lake and no tinned meat mountain, has fifty-six years supply of baked beans. So I am trying to get across to Humphrey and the MOD that the Army and the RAF should eat the Navys strawberry jam, and the Navy and the RAF should eat the Armys tinned meat, and the Army and the Navy should eat the RAFs baked beans. And if they did that with all the other surpluses too wed save 3 million a year for four years. And I do not believe that the defence of the realm is imperilled by soldiers eating sailors jam!
Bernard had an objection. The RAFs baked beans are in East Anglia and the Armys tinned meat is in Aldershot and the Navys jam is in Rosyth. So it would mean moving the beans from
I stopped him there. Bernard, I asked, if our armed forces cant move a few tins of baked beans around Britain, how can they intercept guided missiles?
Bernard seemed perplexed by the question. But you dont intercept missiles with baked beans, you have long pointy things which go I told him to shut his mouth. At which point Humphrey reluctantly agreed that it could be done, but added that it would be extremely complicated. The administrative costs would outweigh the savings.
But no ones even worked out the administrative costs. And why? Because theres no need -- they know that they can make the administrative costs outweigh the savings, if they really put their minds to it.
As the meeting drew uneventfully to a close, a messenger arrived with the latest opinion polls. They contained bad news. Im down another three points. Not the government -- just my personal rating.
I wonder what Im doing wrong. Humphrey believes it proves that Im doing things right -- politically popular actions, in his view, are usually administrative disasters.
I wonder if its caused by my failure to get the defence cuts through. Maybe. Though in all honesty Im not sure that defence cuts are the principal topic of conversation in the supermarkets of Britain. No, the lead story in the newspapers is that bloody lost dog on Salisbury Plain. Perhaps I should forget about my defence policy for the moment and think up a lost dog policy.
Anyway, the meeting was over. And there was nothing for it, I could postpone it no longer: I had to have my private word with Humphrey. I told Bernard that I had to discuss a top secret security matter with Humphrey, and nodded to the door. Would you mind, Bernard?
He went to the door and, suddenly, threw it open! Then he looked up and down the landing to see if anyone was eavesdropping. I realised he had misunderstood me. So I explained that I wished him to leave us alone.
He seemed a little crestfallen. I can see why. Thats two meetings in two days that hes been asked to leave. But Geoffrey had no choice, and nor do I -- I can hardly let Bernard know that Humphrey, of all people, is a security risk at the moment.
After Bernard left us, probably wondering if he was considered a security risk all of a sudden, Humphre and I were left alone. I didnt quite know how to begin, so it was a minute or so before I spoke. Humphrey waited patiently.
Humphrey, I began eventually, theres something I want to talk about. Something very secret.
I was stuck. Humphrey leaned forward helpfully. Would it be easier if I wasnt here? he asked.
Its something very serious, I replied.
He assumed an appropriately serious expression. Very serious and very secret?
I nodded. Humphrey, does the name Sir John Halstead ring a bell?
Of course, Prime Minister. He died only three weeks ago. And he was the subject of a security enquiry ten years ago. I had to conduct it myself, virtually. Old MacIver was ga-ga.
So far so good. I asked Humphrey if hed found evidence of anything incriminating.
Of course not. He smiled confidently.
Why of course not? I asked.
Well, in the first place John Halstead was one of us. Wed been friends for years. In the second place the whole story was got up by the press. And in the third place, the whole object of internal security enquiries is to find no evidence.
Even if the security of the realm is at risk?
He laughed. Prime Minister, if you really believe the security of the realm is at risk you call in the Special Branch. Government security enquiries are only used for killing press stories. Their sole purpose is to enable the Prime Minister to stand up in the House and say, We have held a full enquiry and there is no evidence to substantiate these charges.
But suppose you find something suspicious?
Prime Minister, practically everything that happens in government is suspicious. The fact that you asked Bernard to leave us alone together for a secret conversation could be construed as suspicious.