In fact, I left a copy of this memorandum in the Cabinet Office files, so there can be no credence given to Humphreys claim.
Nonetheless, I asked him to assure me that we shall hear no more about my alleged complicity. He gave me that assurance, and we returned to the question of his incompetence. I told him that although we both might know that he did the job that he was required to do, it would be hard to explain that to the politicians.
He asked me if the politicians have to know. We agreed that it should be avoided, if possible. But the main danger is the Prime Minister: he may want to go around telling people about it all.
Clearly Humphrey must not allow this to happen. It must be stopped. The Prime Minister might tell the Cabinet. They might decide to suspend Humphrey. They might remove him to the Chairmanship of the War Graves Commission!
Humphrey had not considered any of these dire possibilities. He should have. Frankly, I do not mind what happens to Humphrey. He is expendable, and I told him so. He denied it emotionally, but it is true nonetheless.
But even though Humphrey personally is expendable, we dare not allow politicians to establish the principle that Senior Civil Servants can be removed for incompetence. That would be the thin edge of the wedge. We could lose dozens of our chaps. Hundreds, maybe. Even thousands!
Therefore I advised Humphrey that he should make himself so valuable to the Prime Minister in the next few days that he cannot be let go. We discussed what the PM is really dead set on at the moment: popularity, of course, which is what all politicians are dead set on all the time.
The biggest current news story is about a lost dog on Salisbury Plain. I advised him to find an angle on this.
[Sir Humphreys diary makes only a brief reference to the above conversation with Sir Arnold. Perhaps he wished there to be no record of the fact that Sir Arnold considered him expendable, which may have hurt him even more than the suggestion that he might have been a spy. However, Sir Humphrey notes a meeting with Sir Norman Block [Permanent Secretary of the Treasury] the following day, at which he made a proposal clearly based on Sir Arnold Robinsons advice Ed.]
Met Arnold at the club yesterday. He made one or two valuable suggestions, chiefly that I find some way to help the PM increase his ratings in the opinion polls before the end of the week.
The only answer seems to be for Hacker to help the lost dog on Salisbury Plain. Arnold seemed to be suggesting that I should get the Prime Minister to crawl all over Salisbury Plain with a mine detector in one hand and a packet of Winalot in the other. At least it would probably do Britain less harm than anything else he would be likely to be doing.
Today Norman popped in to see me. He was curious as to how his Secretary of State acquitted himself in Cabinet. [Sir Humphrey Appleby, as Cabinet Secretary, was present at all Cabinet meetings. Other Permanent Secretaries were generally not present unless specially invited, a rare occurrence Ed.]
I told Norman that, even though the Cabinet are being resentful, his Secretary of State refused to agree to defence cuts. Norman was very encouraged.
I told him that I needed a favour, on a very sensitive issue. He assumed that I would be referring to Cruise Missiles or chemical warfare, and was surprised when I revealed that I was concerned about the lost dog on Salisbury Plain.
Norman was confident that there were no problems, and that everything was under control. The dog, he predicted, will have starved to death by the weekend. Then the army will recover the body and give it a touching little funeral and bury it just outside the gates. He has made plans for pictures of the guards resting on reversed arms, and to set up a photo session of the Commanding Officer comforting the weeping orphan girl. He says the telly would love it, and there would be pictures in all the Sundays.
I listened carefully, and then proposed that we rescue the dog.
Normans reaction was explosive. He said it would be highly dangerous. It would take:
a) A squadron of Royal Engineers with mine detectors.
b) A detachment of the Veterinary Corps with stun darts.
c) A helicopter (possibly two helicopters) with winching equipment.
d) A bill for hundreds of thousands of pounds.
All for a dog that could be replaced for a fiver in the local petshop.
I know all this anyway, and I persisted. I asked Norman if the dog could be rescued, technically. Norman didnt think twice. He told me that anything can be done technically, if youve got the money. But he argued that it would be madness: he is under great pressure from the PM to cut spending, why on earth should he waste hundreds of thousands in full view of the worlds press just to save a dog?
Norman was only seeing the problem. I flipped it over, and showed him the opportunity: if the Prime Minister authorised the rescue, if it were Hackers initiative, it would make it much harder for him to insist on defence cuts subsequently.
Norman was silenced. Then he smiled a beatific smile. It is clear to me that I have regained my touch. I told Norman the conditions:
1) The real cost of the rescue must not be known to Hacker until after the rescue.
2) The rescue operation should be put on immediate standby, in strict confidence.
3) The PM must get the credit -- a Number Ten job.
He agreed instantly.
[Appleby Papers 28/13/GFBH]
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
June 27th
Sir Arnold Robinson returned to Number Ten today for the first time since his retirement, for a confidential meeting with me about Humphrey. He had been briefed by MI5. He thinks that it was a bad business, an unfortunate business. I went further, and said it was disastrous. Arnold seemed to feel that I was overstating it.
Not disastrous, surely, Prime Minister. It will never come out.
You mean, I asked, things are only disastrous if people find out?
Of course.
Perhaps hes right. If nobody finds out I suppose its merely an embarrassment rather than a disaster. [If the Cabinet Secretary were a spy it would be a grave political embarrassment Ed.]
But happily it turned out that it was not a disaster because new evidence has emerged. Sir Arnold brought with him proof that Sir Humphrey was not a spy.
MI5 have just come across this document in the Halstead papers. From his private diary.
He handed it to me, and I read it with a mixture of feelings that I cannot quite describe: relief, joy and glee, perhaps. Nothing I have ever read has ever given me so much pleasure.
Arnold assumed that my delight was due to the fact that Humphrey was now exonerated. He wanted to take the Halstead diary back, but I insisted on keeping it.
Arnold then suggested that the matter was closed as there was nothing further to investigate. But I pointed out that the question of incompetence remains.
We all make mistakes, said Arnold feebly.
Not on this scale, I replied severely. Do you think I should sack him?
Arnold didnt seem to think that this suggestion was even worthy of discussion. Dismissively he replied, I hardly think so.
Why not? I asked. Do you think Civil Servants should never be sacked?
Arnold replied with care. If they deserve it, of course they should. In principle. But not in practice.
At first I was sceptical. But he explained that before Humphrey could be sacked there would have to be an enquiry. And all enquiries into the incompetence of civil servants somehow seemed to lead back to mistakes by ministers. However, he offered to chair an impartial enquiry.