I had second thoughts. Since I have been Humphreys minister for some years I decided that discretion is the better part of valour. I thanked Arnold for his contribution, let him go, and sent for Humphrey.
I put Humphrey out of his misery as soon as he arrived. I told him he had been cleared of spying. Naturally he was extremely relieved, and asked how.
Something Sir John Halstead wrote, I told him.
Thats very gratifying, he said.
I was enjoying myself. Isnt it? I said. I knew youd be pleased.
May one see the document? he asked.
Indeed one may, Humphrey. Better still, one can have it read to one. And one read it aloud to him.
October 28th. Another session with that prize goof Appleby. Fooled him completely.
Humphrey went very pink. I see. Thank you, Prime Minister. And he reached for the diary.
No, Humphrey, it goes on, I said. Clears you even more. He never asked any of the difficult questions. Didnt seem to have read the MI5 report. So much wool in his head, its childs play to pull it over his eyes. I looked up at Humphrey and beamed at him. Isnt that wonderful? You must be very happy.
He pursed his lips. He was visibly seething with indignation. I always said John Halstead was a hopeless judge of character, he snarled.
I pretended to be worried. You mean we cant believe it? Hes lying?
Humphrey was cornered. He realised he had no choice but to admit the truth. Very reluctantly he agreed that Halsteads account was absolutely true, but he insisted that Halstead wasnt bright enough to understand Humphreys subtle questioning techniques. The non-confrontational approach.
I nodded understandingly. You were lulling him into a true sense of security, I remarked.
Yes, said Humphrey. No, said Humphrey, as he realised what I meant. Anyway, he added, I take it that its all over now.
The collusion charge? Of course, I said. Humphrey relaxed. But were left with the incompetence.
He licked his lips nervously. Prime Minister, I do urge you
Humphrey, I said. Would you condone this sort of incompetence in someone working for you?
It was a long time ago, he pleaded. A period of great strain. I had many other onerous duties.
You have many other onerous duties now, I said, threateningly.
But then he redeemed himself. Humphrey with his back to the wall is a valuable man. Prime Minister, he began, I have been giving some thought to how you might increase your popularity rating.
Naturally I was immediately interested. I waited for him to continue.
A strong government needs a popular Prime Minister.
How true! I waited for more.
I think you should do something really popular.
I was getting impatient. Of course I should, I said. But what?
His suggestion was not what I had expected. I was going to suggest that you intervene personally to save that poor little doggy on Salisbury Plain.
At first I didnt think he was serious. It would certainly be popular, but surely it would also be rather expensive?
Surely not? replied Humphrey.
[Civil Service watchers will note this skilful reply -- not a lie, but hardly revealing the truth Ed.]
He told me that time was running out. The decision has to be taken right away, this morning, before poor little Benjy starves to death. I was undecided. Then Humphrey appealed to my emotions. There are times when you have to act from the heart. Even as Prime Minister.
He was right! I gave him the go-ahead. He phoned Sir Norman right away. He told me that he had already put the army on a three-hour standby, and that he was merely waiting for my clearance.
I was delighted. I had just one worry. Humphrey, its not a question of buying cheap popularity, is it?
By no means, Prime Minister, he replied emphatically, and then was put through to Sir Norman at the MOD. Norman? Walkies.
Apparently this was the codeword to begin Operation Lassie Come Home.
June 28th
They saved Benjy today. And I expect to be very popular tomorrow.
I watched it all on the Six OClock News. It was rather thrilling, feeling like the Commander-in-Chief of a major military operation. I felt like Mrs Thatcher during the Falklands, only more so -- almost Churchillian really. The country needs a strong, decisive, tough leader like me.
The operation began on B range early this morning. Four detachments of the Royal Engineers with mine detectors set out from different parts to close in on the area where Benjy was last sighted. It took over an hour to locate him. Then the Royal Veterinary Corps fired a stun dart. We saw him keep over, temporarily unconscious.
The troops couldnt enter the area without detonating shells, which might have injured the dog. So an RAF helicopter was flown in, and an air rescue team lowered a man to pick Benjy up without crossing dangerous ground. He was flown to safety and reunited with his little orphan Linda, who was overjoyed to see him. I think shed given up hope of ever seeing him again. I was so profoundly moved by my own wisdom and kindness that I cried a little. Im not ashamed to admit it.
Annie was delighted. I hadnt told her that Id arranged for them to rescue the dog. When we last spoke about it Id told her it would be a waste of money.
Her little face was glowing with pleasure and happiness for that child.
I told her that Id thought again. I thought about what you said. And I thought government is about caring.
Caring for votes? she asked.
I was a bit put out. Thats not very kind, Annie. I thought about that little girl and what the dog must mean to her. Individuals do count -- even in a world of budgets and balance sheets. Some people may criticise me for using the army that way, but I dont care. Sometimes, doing the right thing means risking unpopularity.
I was pleased with the sound of that. I shall use it at Question Time in the House tomorrow -- it's bound to come up.
Annie was totally taken by it. [It is possible that Hacker said taken in by it, but his words are unclear on the cassette, due to what sounds like an emotional and excitable state of mind Ed.]
She gave me a kiss and told me that she certainly wouldnt criticise me for it. For the first time since we moved into Number Ten, I can see the point of being Prime Minister. She is weird.
June 29th
The press coverage was wonderful this morning. Even better than Id hoped.
The Sun
PM MENDS A BROKEN HEART -- BENJY IS SAFE
PMs mercy mission
A DOGS LIFE -- SAVED BY JIM
I showed them to Humphrey. He was delighted as well. Even the leading articles were favourable. Today Britain discovered that a real human heart beats inside Number 10 Downing Street. I showed it to Bernard. His response was a typical quibble. Actually, seventy-four human hearts beat inside Number Ten. But he was smiling.
I made a slight tactical error with Humphrey. I told him Id been right and that I have an instinct for what the people want. Thats perfectly true, of course -- but in this instance it was actually Humphrey who had suggested the rescue, and when he reminded me I graciously gave him full credit. Although, in fact, he mostly has crummy ideas and the credit is really due to me for spotting that, for once, his idea was a good one. Still, I let him feel he was responsible for it, as thats always good for morale.
As he had been so helpful on this matter I readily granted the favour that he asked of me. He wanted the question of his incompetence in the Halstead enquiry to be dropped. I agreed at once. Why not? No harm had been done.