Jack rode back to his zamindar and said, “That gentleman over there is a buyer of saltpeter from Amsterdam.”
“Is that the best you could come up with!?” answered Surendranath.
“’Twill serve, for now…I am going to take him on an inspection-tour of the dirt-mines. Dismiss the khud-kashta s with my compliments. Tell them not to give the potato-woman any grief. Meet me at the Royal Palace this evening, unless the roof has been blown off again, in which case, meet me by the tree.”
“Sire, the dirt-mines are situated in a rowdy and treacherous pargana, quite infested with stranglers. Are you quite certain you do not want me to send the rowzinders?”
Jack sized up the two horsemen who had arrived with Enoch Root. “What do you make of them?”
“Mercenaries. Judging from their coloration, most likely Pathans.”
“That was my guess, too, until I got closer. Methinks they are Christians with tans. They are barely even twenty years of age, but weathered like veterans, and they returned my gaze insolently.”
“They handle their weapons like drilled musketeers,” said the zamindar.
“They’ve made it all the way here, from Christendom…”
“But perhaps they are the last remnants of a whole Regiment.”
“I believe I will be safe in their hands,” Jack said.
“THAT’S FOR ME MUM!” said the one.
“She’s me mum, too, give ’im another!”
A large, bleeding fist filled most of Jack’s visual field, getting rapidly bigger. Then lights flashed and a loud popping noise went off in the base of his skull.
“You can do be’er’n that, Jimmy!” said one, shoving the other aside. “Let me show you-now, how’s about that! An’ that! For our sainted mum!”
Suddenly they got six feet taller-either that, or Jack’s head was resting on the ground. The one called Jimmy wound up for a kick.
“That is for mayakin’ it neces’ry for us to travel all the way out to the butt o’ the world to beat the bejesus out o’ ye!”
Enoch hovered nervously in the background encouraging them to stop, or at least slow down-but they were having none of it.
“That is for bein’ a friggin’ shite-head!”
“Can you be more specific?” Jack said (he had found that a bit of levity sometimes worked wonders in these situations). But the words came out all a-mumble, for his lips stuck together whenever they got near each other-and they’d ballooned to the point where they were always near each other. But somehow the one named Jimmy understood, and went wide-eyed.
“Oh, you want specificity!? Danny, he’s requested we wax specific at this time!”
Jack got up on all fours, then staggered to his feet. Being on the ground only tempted them to kick him, and that was worse, in the long run, than being punched.
“That is specifically for tayakin’ up with another lady when the urth on Mum’s grayave hadn’t even been tamped down yet!”
“That is specifically for tradin’ in yer French jools on a shite-load o’ malarkey!”
Jack tumbled backwards into a stand of bamboo, and Jimmy and Danny-perhaps fearing cobras-did not come in after him. They stood where they were for a moment, getting their wind back. For the first time since Jimmy had tackled him out of the saddle a few minutes ago, it occurred to Jack that he was armed with a serviceable Janissary-sword, and knew a thing or two about how to use it; but cutting up his own flesh and blood wouldn’t be right. Instead he eased it quietly from its scabbard and swung it into the base of a bamboo cane about as thick as his wrist, easily cutting it through. Then he staggered out of the thicket dragging it behind him.
“Powers o’ Darkness!” Jack exclaimed, focusing his one eye that hadn’t swollen shut on a point in the middle distance. “I do believe that elephant is fookin’ that camel up the arse-or is it t’other way round?”
Jimmy and Danny turned around to look. Jack yanked on the bamboo, bringing it forward into his hands like a pike, and jammed the butt of it into Jimmy’s left kidney, which caused Jimmy to topple backwards clawing at his lower spine with both hands. Danny turned round to see why Jimmy was screaming. Jack got the bamboo between his knees, sending him a-sprawl, and just as the young man’s legs made a broad V in the air, Jack brought the cane down smartly. It was impossible to miss.
Stillness descended on the scene, save for the twittering of exotic birds and the groaning of the two lads.
“Enoch, if you could just keep an eye out for snakes, stranglers, and hordes whilst I give my boys a brief talking to.”
“Glad to-but please do be brief.”
“Now, Jimmy and Danny. Thank you for coming all the way out to Hindoostan to catch up with your dear father. You’re probably afraid I’m going to be angry that you beat the shite out of me. But really it gives me no strong feelings one way or the other. I don’t hold it against you that you turned out Irish, either. I wasn’t there to make Englishmen of you, and so it’s Irish you are, by default. That’s all right; that can be remedied. But I must take exception to your saying-what was it? ‘A shite-load o’ malarkey.’ You underestimate me, lads. Which you’ve plenty of reasons to do, I admit, since this is the first time you’ve ever laid eyes on me, and Mary Dolores’s folk have been filling your heads with venom. I want you to understand that when I set forth on my trading voyage, twelve or thirteen years ago, I did it for you. And I’m still doin’ it for you-I’m just not finished yet, is all. I’ve had diverse treasures to steal and Dukes to assassinate and pirates to escape from. But no voyage is finished until the ship drops anchor in London or Amsterdam-and you’ll admit we’re a hell of a long way from those places!”
Danny was the first to struggle to his feet. Still bent over at a right angle, he dug Jimmy’s hand out of the brush and tried to heave him to his feet. “C’mon, now, Seamus, we’ve had our say-let’s turn round an’ head for Whitechapel now.”
“Go if you must,” Jack said, “but if you can bring yourselves to stay for a little while, I believe I can offer you transportation.”
“SHAHJAHANABAD IS A BASKET of asps,” Jack remarked the next day, as they were all riding through some wooded hills in the southeastern quarter of his domain. “Most of the Mogul’s omerah s go there and become entangled with the intrigues and doings of other omerah s, not to mention diverse courtiers, concubines, eunuchs, Banyans of the sodagar and the katari class, Brahmins and Fakirs of diverse Hindoo sects, spies and intriguers from wild ’stans to the Northwest, the agents of the French, Dutch, and English East India Companies, and anyone else who just happens to be hanging around. Aurangzeb has a great palace there, which he stole from his pa and his brothers. So you see, lads, you’re not the first men to violate the Fourth Commandment in Hindoostan-”
“ ‘Remember the Sabbath?’ ” quoth Jimmy, incredulous.
“Beg your pardon, I must’ve meant the Seventh.”
“ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery?’ ” said Jimmy and Danny in unison.
“I can see the Papists have left their mark on you lads-again, my fault.”
“His Royal Highness meant to say the Fifth-honor thy father and mother,” hollered Enoch Root-who, along with Surendranath, had been dropping farther and farther behind them, but who was still within earshot.
Danny made a sort of throat-clearing noise. “We came here to do that specifically-honor our mum, that is. It’s just that in order to do it, we had to settle a score wi’ Dad.”
“Well, now that you’ve settled it,” said Jack, pointing to various large swellings on his face, “shut up, because I’m trying to educate you. Before we embarked on theologickal disputations, I was talking about the Palace of the Great Mogul in Shahjahanabad, outside Delhi. It rises above the flood plain of a river, and on that plain, the Great Mogul stages mock-battles between armies of hundreds of elephants, and as many horse and camel. The expense, for elephant-feed alone, is damnable.”
“Let’s go! I ha’ to see it!” exclaimed Jimmy, all starry-faced.
“Doahn’t be such a shite-for-brayans!” said Danny. “Cahn’t you perceive, he’s tryin’ to payant a picture of Oriental decadence?”