Some people have a switch in their brains. When they take a drink, the switch closes, a circuit is completed, and they immediately want another drink. It is a phenomenon I have seen many times. For these people, once the booze train gets rolling, there is no stopping it.
I do not think I have this affliction. I can have two drinks and call it a night. I think for me, the drinking was a deliberate thing. I did not particularly enjoy it, but it took less courage than putting a bullet in my head. So once I decided I wanted to live, the problem solved itself. Well … that and two weeks of being locked in a room with no access to booze.
I doubt Judge MacGregor will ever know it, but I am grateful to her. She could have laid the hammer down, but she chose to give me a second chance. If I am ever back in the Springs, I will make it a point to find her and express my gratitude.
Near the end of my treatment/incarceration, Tyrel came to see me. He seemed reluctant and surprised I had accepted his visit. The guard put a chair in front of my cell door so Ty could have a seat and walked a respectful distance away.
“How’s it going, man?” I asked with a smile, my hands around the bars. “You doin’ all right?”
He looked confused a moment, then said, “I could ask you the same thing.”
“I don’t think I’m a hundred percent yet, but I’m a hell of a lot better than I was.”
“You look it.”
“Thanks. Where have you been? I figured you would come to visit before now.”
Again, the confusion. “You don’t remember, do you?”
Now it was my turn to be confused. “Remember what?” The memory of waking in my cell with a swollen eye came back to me, and I groaned and said, “Oh, jeez, what did I do?”
“We had a bit of a falling out.”
“How bad?”
“You took a swing at me.”
My stomach dropped. “Did I connect?”
“No, but I did. That was the end of it.”
“God, Ty, I am so sorry. I was out of my head, man. Please don’t hold it against me.”
He stood up and shook hands with me through the bars. “Water under the bridge, son. I’m just glad to see you’re doing better.”
“I’m glad to be feeling better. You hear about what happened to me?”
He nodded. “It’s a good thing the Army is so hard up for people. Otherwise you’d have ended up in a labor camp.”
“No shit.” I sighed and looked down at my hands. “Looks like I’m gonna be a proper soldier soon.”
“So I hear.”
I looked at my oldest and best friend and gave a wan smile. “Any advice?”
“Keep your mouth shut, do what you’re told, and don’t let your drill instructor learn your name. Aside from that, just remember the training we gave you and you’ll be fine.”
A memory sparked in my still marginally dulled brain, and I said, “Speaking of my training, have you heard from Mike? Letters or anything?”
Tyrel’s face took on a sad cast. “Got a letter about a month ago dated from December. Said he’d found his wife, but heard some disturbing rumors he wanted to investigate before he came home.”
“What kinds of rumors?”
A shake of the head. “He didn’t say.”
“Does he … does he know about Sophia?”
Tyrel shrugged. “I sent him a letter after I got his. The address was a trading post in Western Oregon. No telling if he got it or not. Those caravans that travel between here and the west coast lose as much cargo as they deliver.”
I nodded, my heart aching at the thought of Mike learning of his daughter’s death. I wondered if he would blame me, if he would hate me for what happened, his daughter dying giving birth to his grandchild, my daughter.
As if reading my mind, Tyrel said, “Son, it’s not your fault. What happened to Sophia was an accident. It ain’t nobody’s fault. We live in hard times, son. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on. There ain’t always a moral to the story. Most of the time, there’s just what happens and how you deal with it.”
I nodded, thinking about Sophia’s chestnut eyes and the daughter I would never get to hold. My throat tightened, and I felt the old despair begin to burn within me. There was a vise around my heart, squeezing tighter, and tighter, and-
NO!
You think you’re the only person to lose a child?When you get out of here, take a good hard look around. Everybody has lost someone. Everybody is hurting. You think you’re special? You’re not! Suck it up and get on with your life, you wimp. If Sophia is watching, she’s probably pissed at you for acting like such a whiny asshole. So summon your strength, firm your resolve, and for Christ’s sake, fucking live. It’s what she would want you to do.
The voice in my head sounded so much like my father’s, I actually looked around my cell to see if he was in there with me. But he was not, of course.
I think.
Shaking myself to clear my head, I said, “Thanks for coming by, Tyrel. It’s good to see a friendly face.”
He smiled and we shook hands again. “Take care of yourself, son. I know the Army will probably have you travelling all over hell and half of Georgia, but if you get the chance, look in on me.”
“I’ll do that.”
As my old mentor began to walk away, I said, “Hey Ty?”
He half turned. “Yeah?”
“Just in case I don’t get another chance to say it, I love you, man. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
He stared a few seconds, and if I did not know him better, I would say his eyes reddened a bit. “I love you too, kid. You watch your ass out there, you hear?”
“I’ll do that. Goodbye, Tyrel.”
“Goodbye, son.”
He left, and I stayed in my cell another day until it was time for a sheriff’s deputy to escort me to my container to retrieve my personal effects. I took Blake’s medallion, the picture of my mother holding me as a newborn, my father’s and Lauren’s wedding rings, Sophia’s locket containing a picture of her with her mother and father, and my spear. Afterward, I checked my things in with the quartermaster at Peterson AFP, took the oath of enlistment, signed the paperwork, and started my new life.
The government seized everything else I owned as restitution for my crimes.
I have not seen Tyrel since.
SIXTY-FIVE
Hollow Rock, Tennessee
“You were right,” Miranda said. “That did not end well.”
Caleb glanced out the window. It was nearly dawn. “Took a lot longer to tell than I expected. Sorry.”
Her hand caressed his face. “You’re the one deploying today. Apologize to yourself.”
“Won’t be the first time I’ve had to function on zero sleep.”
A silence stretched between them as the light through the window grew brighter. Caleb gripped Miranda’s hand and said, “So now you know all of it.”
“Not all of it. What happened after you joined the Army?”
A shrug. “Basic training wasn’t so bad. Had a hell of a time getting back in shape, though. I’d really let myself go.”
Miranda’s fingers traced the ridges of his abdomen. “I never would have guessed.”
“You didn’t know me back then. I’ve gained twenty-five pounds since I enlisted.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “Yikes.”
“Yep. I was in pretty bad shape for a while there. As for what’s happened over the last two years, well … let’s just say it’s been ninety-five percent boredom and five percent abject terror.”
Another long silence. Caleb knew he had to get up soon and get into uniform, but he was loath to leave the bed. Finally, he said, “So what do you think? You gonna run for the hills, knowing everything I’ve done?”