The bed was short, but so am I. I switched off her Ariel lamp and watched the shadows jump as the moonlight took over. I had just closed my eyes when I heard him leave the bathroom and then a knock came at the door.
“Jess?” he said. “I just thought of something.”
“What is it? Come in. Don’t wake the wee ones.”
He put his head round the door. “We’re right on the beach here,” he said. “There’s gulls everywhere, oyster catchers, ducks come down the estuary. Flipping geese sometimes, this time of year.”
“I’m fine with birds,” I said. Now he’d laugh. Surely.
“Oh,” he said. “That’s good. Good! I’ll just nip out first light and check for sandcastles. You know, sometimes kids decorate the turrets… well, you know. Night-night.”
“Night-night,” I said.
“And Jess?” I waited. “Thanks. Thank you.”
I put my hands behind my head and lay thinking. If it wasn’t for the note, if the cops knew about Dillon and the new baby, they’d be asking Gus where he was at three o’clock for sure. Or if her car had lain there unnoticed for days and they’d never pinned down the time. But they’d have searched for her after he called, when he found the note. Except he’d never have called if I hadn’t made him. And it was a chance in a million that I’d got involved. And heard him talking to her. Like an alibi. Except it was a voice-mail message.
I turned over on my side. Who does that? Talking to a voice-mail message like it’s a person.
I curled up tighter and closed my eyes again. Who won’t go in a wee girl’s room in case she’s got Marabou Barbie?
Don’t beat yourself up, I told myself, just like Lauren coached me. You drove him home. You stayed with the kids. Even if it was because you couldn’t get away. You helped him get ready to tell them. You agreed to stay the night, for God’s sake. With a complete stranger. And the last thing he said was thank you. I ran over it again in my head, feeling a little smile start at the memory. And Jess? Thanks. Thank you. In the morning I’d tell him it was Jessie, or Jessica for Sunday best. No one except my mother called me Jess. Had I said Jess when I introduced myself? I’d never. Had he just shortened it without thinking? I sat up on my elbows. Something was bothering me. Something was making my heart beat faster. What had I forgotten?
My eyes popped wide open. Of course! That creepy guy that I thought knew my name. I’d never managed to tell Gus he’d been here. What had he said his name was? Started with K. Maybe a C. He’d said he was a friend, but he seemed pretty keen to be sure Gus was out. Maybe he was just Becky’s friend. Maybe he was even Becky’s special friend. No point upsetting Gus about him, in that case. Not when I couldn’t even remember his name. Ka-something. Ka-zakhstan, was all I could think of. Kalashnikov, Cossack, kazoo…
Eight
Wednesday, 5 October
I woke to the sound of Ruby wailing like a siren and knew he had told them. That was my first thought as soon as I heard the noise. There was no, Where am I? No piecing together the strange room and memories filling in. It was as though I belonged there.
I threw back the covers, pulled on my jeans, and, in my bare feet, went through to the kitchen to try to help. She was like a rag doll in his arms, legs hanging down, arms flopped over his shoulders, head buried in his neck, bellowing. Dillon was in his high chair eating Cheerios off his finger ends, watching his sister.
“Here’s Jess,” he said. “Look, Roobs, here’s Jess come to give you a cuddle.”
“Nooooo!” she screamed. “Mummeeeeeee!”
“Okay, okay, you’re all right,” said Gus.
She lifted her head and looked at him. “It’s okay?” she asked.
“It’s all going to be okay.”
“Mummy’s coming home?”
“Mummy’s not coming home, darling. Mummy died. Mummy’s gone to live in heaven with Grandpa.”
She twisted in his arms and started yelling again. “No! Stop saying it. Mummy doesn’t even like Grandpa! Mummy lives here. I want Mummeeee. Now! Now! Now!” She was bucking like Dillon had the night before, but she was bigger, had to be turning him black and blue the way she was laying in to him, but he just rocked her until she was calm. Then he sat down with her still in his lap. He was in boxers and a t-shirt and his arms and legs looked cold, his big ugly feet purple and his toes white. Poor circulation.
“Can I do anything?” I said.
“Coffee’d be good,” said Gus. “Want some hot chocolate, Roobs?”
“Lot-lit,” said Dillon.
“Coming up,” I said and started looking for the fixings.
“D’you want to go to nursery today, darling?” Gus was saying. “Or d’you want to stay at home with me?”
“And Mummy?”
“Just me, sweetie pie.”
“Nursery,” said Ruby. “I’m telling Miss Colquhoun what you said. I’m telling on you.”
“I’ll phone Miss Colquhoun,” said Gus. “Come on and we’ll get you dressed then. Your chocolate’ll be ready by the time you are.”
“Lot-lit,” said Dillon.
“He’ll be lucky to get out of his jammies today,” said Gus, looking over Ruby’s head towards me.
“I’ll dress him, if you like,” I said. I thought that’s what he was hinting. But he screwed his face up and gave me the kind of look people get when they’re going to ask something big and they know they shouldn’t. It’s the same look when someone’s going to pop a cork on a bottle of Cava.
“I was going to ask you if you’d run Ruby into school,” he said.
“Where’s school?” I asked.
“Dumfries,” he said. “I thought, if you’re going in anyway. To work.” Ruby turned her head and looked at me. Her face was swollen and blotched-you could see where she got her complexion, could see how tough a time she’d have in her teenage years. I smiled at her, but she didn’t so much as twitch a muscle at me. Who could blame her? How could she deal with strangers on a day like today?
“I don’t think-”
“I said I’d stay in for the cops,” said Gus. “I don’t really want a big meeting.” He jerked his head towards her. “Different with Dillon, but… ”
“Won’t you need your car?” I asked. I thought a frown flashed across his face, but it cleared before I was sure.
“I’ve got the van,” he said. “At the workshop. I’d really appreciate it. That’s okay, Ruby, eh no? If Jess takes you to school? I’ll tell her the secret word so she can pick you up again too.”
It was the worst idea I’d ever heard. Ruby and me agreed on that. She slid out of his lap and left the room, giving me a wide berth on her way.
“How come she still goes to school in Dumfries?” I asked. It was getting on for an hour’s drive away.
“Just nursery,” said Gus. “She calls it school to feel like a big girl. We didn’t want too many changes all together, you know.”
Sounded crazy to me. Far better to have her with her new friends at her new house. And it was October. She must have been away from this Miss Colquhoun all summer anyway.
“What about family?” I asked him. “Wouldn’t Ruby be better with someone she knows today? I’m really not that good with children.”
“Mum never came to my wedding,” he said. “Why should she rally round now?”
“Your dad?”
“Wouldn’t know me if we passed on the street.” The kettle was boiling, and I got up to make the coffee and watch the milk in the pan
“What about your brother?” I asked. “Where’s he?” Silence. I turned round. Gus was staring at me.
“Who told you about my brother?” he said. Dillon had gone very still, with his hand spread like star, a Cheerio on every finger.