“That’s not possible,” Zephyr says. “I mean, it shouldn’t be.”
“Everyone here is sick,” I tell him. “You’ve seen them. My brother, Saxon, the people in the Rock. I think the Initiative’s diseases are actually doing something. Weakening the Cure in our bodies.”
“They’re sick, yes. But no one’s dying,” Zephyr says, running a hand through his dark hair. “The Cure keeps us alive. Even with whatever new diseases the Leeches have made.”
“I’m dying,” I whisper.
He puts his head in his hands. “Don’t believe that. It’s just more Leech lies, Meadow.”
“It’s not,” I say. “You’ve seen it, Zephyr. Every time the switch makes me weak, the number gets higher and higher. It’s going to reach a hundred sometime. And then I’ll be gone.”
He lifts his head, glares at me. “Would you stop?”
“I’m only speaking the truth,” I say. “Accept it.”
He’s silent, unmoving. I think back to the conversation my father and I had, hours ago, when my tears dried up, and reality took their place. His eyes dripped a stream of crimson, and he wiped it away, smearing a streak across his face. If I die, Meadow . . . You have to save Peri for me.
You won’t die, I said. My mother’s Cure will never be broken.
What if it already is? he asked. What if this is really the end?
Our eyes met, and I knew.
“My father is dying, too. But it’s from something here, something they did to him.”
“Meadow, it’s not possible,” Zephyr says. “Years of this, and no one’s dropped yet.”
“It is possible,” I say. “Somehow, he’s the one who’s finally going to give them their stupid Death Code, and then they’ll use his blood, and his body, to experiment and find a way to kill the rest of us. And if we find Peri soon, and give the signal and get my father out of here, back to the New Militia, maybe the Surgeon can fix him.” I sigh, and touch the small lump on my inner wrist. “My mother could have.”
“Whoa, whoa, hold on.” Zephyr laughs, but it is more of a bark laced with anger. “She wouldn’t have saved him. She would have rejoiced with the rest of the Leeches and talked about the beauty of the science or something crazy like that. She was a murderer, Meadow. A monster.”
“So am I,” I say, and I glare up at him with gritted teeth. “And so are you.”
“No. You’re not the same as her, and neither am I. We’ve both done things. We’ve both killed. I did it because I had to, and you did it to survive. But she did it because she believed it was the only answer. Because she wanted it to be, without anyone controlling her. Because she wasn’t human.”
“Don’t talk about her like you knew her,” I say.
He looks into my eyes, and I see flames of anger.
Pain.
“I knew her better than you ever did,” he whispers.
The words hit right to my heart.
He keeps going, fueling off of the hurt on my face, throwing the truth like punches. It’s like he has held all of his anger from me, and now it’s exploding forth, and he can’t quit.
“Stop trying to imagine her as the woman you used to know, the woman who never was, and you’ll be happy she’s dead for real this time.” He clenches and unclenches his fists. “I wouldn’t change things, you know. If I could go back, I’d shoot her through the heart a million times over, and I’d love it. And if you’re still the Meadow I know you are, you’ll understand exactly what I’m saying. I think you’re mad because deep down, you didn’t get to be the one to kill her.”
I swing out my knife, hold it to his throat. “You might have known my mother, but you don’t know me.”
“I do know you, Meadow,” Zephyr says. He leans in, so that the knife breaks his skin. A trickle of blood runs down his neck, bright crimson in the fading firelight. “You disagreed with her, and when we found her in that cell, you saw the truth of who she really was. You’re just using her death as an excuse to push me away from you.”
He is quiet for a time. When he speaks, his voice cracks.
“You’ll never love me, will you, Meadow?”
I am hurting him. I have always hurt him, been the one piece of his world that doesn’t quite fit. Pushing him away would shatter him, tear the fullness of his heart to shreds.
“I don’t even know why I care,” he says. “Each morning I open my heart to you, and you stomp all over it. You’re selfish, and you don’t care.”
I put my head in my hands, but I don’t cry.
I have no tears left.
“After all of that, I still want you. But not this you. I want the Meadow I know is still stuck in there, somewhere. The Meadow who is fearless, even when it comes to love.”
“I can’t,” I whisper. “You need to stop this. You need to pull yourself away, and forget about me, because all I’m capable of is hurting people. I kill and I lose the ones I care about, and it’s all because of me. You don’t think I saw the expression on your face, after we found my brother? I can’t have them and you. It’s too much. I can’t keep you all safe.”
My voice breaks.
Zephyr takes a deep breath, shakes his head. “You blame yourself for what the Leeches did to your family. The only one you should be blaming is your mother.” Zephyr reaches out, takes my hand. He twines our fingers together, and squeezes them tight. “The world can change us,” he says. “But it can’t tear us apart. Not if we don’t let it. And I won’t, Meadow. I just need to know that you’re in this, too.”
“I don’t know what will happen tomorrow,” I say. “I can only give you today. When I need you, you’re there for me. You’re always there, Zephyr, and I’m not. I can’t take all of you and give you just a part of me in return. It’s not right.”
“No,” he says, letting go of my hand, and I’m afraid this is it.
The end.
I don’t want it to be over.
“No, it’s not right, Meadow. At all.” Zephyr’s eyes are so green right now. So full of memories of the past, and I want to go back to the beginning of it all. Before we discovered what he was, what my mother had done, what secrets the Initiative was hiding. Before we kissed, and killed together, and ran for our lives.
But that would mean living in darkness.
Together, we were the sparks that set the world of the Shallows on fire.
Together, we created the light.
Zephyr sighs, his resolve crumbling. “If a part of you is all you can offer, I’ll take it.” He leans in, kisses my forehead. “I’ll take anything you have to give. Because I love you. Every broken piece of you.”
Love.
Such a foolish word.
“I can’t love anyone but my family,” I say. “That’s how it has to be.”
He nods. “If we get out of this place alive, we’ll put each other back together. And slowly, you’ll start to see. There’s room in your heart for more than just your family. You can add me, too, Meadow. I can fit in.”
“I hope you’re right,” I whisper.
“My moonlit girl,” he says. “The first time I saw you in my dreams, I knew I had to have you.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous,” I say. “No one will ever have me.”