I played for a while, picking out tunes and singing. That’s the way I unwind. I did a Simon and Garfunkel song, “Keep the Customer Satisfied,” and then I played “Hotel California” until I had this vision of Don Henley with a sorry look on his face, shaking his head at me. So I quit. I worked on the chords of a song I’d been writing, but it wasn’t coming together yet. By the time I’d played for half an hour, the space heater wasn’t enough to keep me warm. I was freezing and my fingers were numb, so I went back inside.
The music shook the house. I couldn’t take any more of it. I went upstairs and pounded on Anna’s door, and when she didn’t answer, I opened it anyway, despite the warning to keep out. The volume inside made me cover my ears. Anna lay on her bed, wearing a purple T-shirt and shorts and white athletic socks. I was relieved that she was alone in the bedroom. She was reading the Bible, and I couldn’t remember when I’d ever seen her doing that. I went over to the speakers on her dresser and yanked out the plug. The sudden silence was blissful, but the music left a ringing in my ears.
“I think we’ve had enough of that for tonight.”
“Tom didn’t mind,” she replied in an irritated voice.
“He’s a kinder soul than me. Where is he?”
“In his room.”
“Did the two of you eat?”
“Yeah, we had eggs. I can cook, remember? You’re the one who can’t.”
I couldn’t argue with that. “I’m going to crash early. It was a long day. Keep the music off, okay?”
“Whatever.”
I nodded at the Bible in her hands. “Light reading?”
“Will said I should see what’s in it.”
“And what have you found?”
“It’s pretty grim. ‘Everything is purified with blood. Without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness.’”
“Try some other passages,” I suggested.
Anna shrugged. “So did you find him?”
“Who?”
“Jeremiah.”
“We found evidence at the resort, but we don’t know what happened.”
“Oh.”
She began reading the Bible again, ignoring me. I felt dismissed. I left and closed the door behind me. I went to my father’s room and tapped my knuckles gently on his door. It was still early, but if he’d fallen asleep, I didn’t want to wake him. Although I didn’t know how anyone could have slept through the music Anna was playing.
There was no answer. I opened the door a crack and peered into the room. The bed was neatly made. The recliner near the window where he usually sat was empty. “Dad? Are you still up? It’s Shelby.”
I checked the bathroom, but that was empty, too. When I glanced at the dresser, I saw his cell phone. Wherever he was, he didn’t have it with him.
I went back downstairs. There was no sign of him in the great space. I knew he wasn’t in the backyard, because I’d just been there. I checked the basement, because he still liked to putter in his work room, even though I’d had to take away the power tools for fear he would injure himself. But the basement was dark. No one was there.
My heart began to accelerate. Anxiety tightened around my chest.
“Dad? Dad? Where are you?”
He didn’t answer. He wasn’t in the house.
I ran upstairs again and threw open Anna’s door without knocking. She had headphones on, but I could still hear the blast of music between her ears. She didn’t notice me until I went and grabbed the headphones off her head and threw them on the floor.
“Hey!” she shouted at me. “What the hell?”
“Where’s my father?”
“I told you, he’s in his room.”
“No, he’s not. He’s not in his room. He’s not downstairs. He’s not anywhere.”
“Well, the last time I saw him, he was in his room.”
“And I just told you, he’s not there. Now march your ass downstairs and help me find him.”
Anna groaned loudly and followed me back to the ground floor. I rechecked all of the rooms, but I was wasting my time, because I knew he wasn’t there. I could feel a huge, sick weight taking shape in my stomach. I went out onto the front porch and shouted into the darkness.
“Dad? Are you out there? It’s Shelby. Are you there?”
The winter night was perfectly still. All of the animals and the dead in the cemetery must have heard me, but not my father.
I was shaking from head to toe as I went back inside. Anna stood in the foyer, watching me with her thumbs hooked in the belt loops of her shorts. Her blond hair was messy.
“Where is he?” I demanded.
“I don’t know.”
“Anna, I told you to watch him. I was counting on you.”
“I did watch him. I spent the whole day with him. I made him dinner. He went to his room. I figured he was in for the night.”
I clenched my fists and unclenched them. I swallowed down my rage, but it rose back up like a boat on a turbulent sea.
“Did he say anything?” I asked, struggling to keep my voice calm. “Did he talk about going somewhere?”
“No.”
“Did anyone come by? Did anyone call?”
“No.”
I glanced at the hallway leading past the laundry room to the garage. I had a terrible premonition of what I would find. I ran down there and pushed through the heavy door. The garage was empty, and the door to the outside was open, letting in the cold wind. The Ford Explorer we kept in there was gone. Dad’s truck.
“Oh, my God.”
He hadn’t driven in two years. We’d taken away his license and keys. But I’d been letting Anna drive the truck since she’d been staying with us.
“Where are your keys?”
“What?”
“Your keys, your car keys, where are they?”
I was losing it. Sweat made a film on my skin, and I felt acid in my throat.
“On the kitchen counter,” Anna replied. “Chill. I needed to run out and get eggs, remember? You don’t keep anything in the fridge.”
“Chill? Did you just tell me to chill? Don’t you understand what’s going on here? The truck is gone. My father is gone. Your keys aren’t in the kitchen, because he took them. How many times have I told you that you can’t leave your keys lying around?”
“I forgot. I was busy making dinner. What the hell do you want from me, Shelby?”
“What do I want from you?”
I could feel blood pulsing into my face. I stared at the empty garage, and I thought about Dad out on the roads, with no idea where he was or where he was going, driving off in the middle of a January night. He could be alive or dead by now. He could be hurt. He could be bleeding. He could have pulled off the road and walked into the woods alone and be freezing to death on a trail somewhere. My father. I’d failed him. I’d lost him.
What did I want from Anna?
What did I want from this girl?
I thought about what Trina would do and what Trina would say, but Trina was gone. I wasn’t her. I could never be her. I didn’t have the patience of Job. I wasn’t a mother. I had no idea what to do with Anna. All I knew is that I had never been so furious at anyone in my entire life. All the emotion I’d bottled up and forced down for months exploded from me like a bomb.
I screamed.
“What do I want, Anna? What do I want? I want you for one single second of your life to think about someone else. I want you to stop being a little bitch and realize that what you do affects other people in this world. I want you to be a human being and find something in that empty heart of yours. Got it? I want you to grow up, Anna! Grow the hell up! And I want you out of my house. I want you to pack your bags and go. Go now. Get away from me. Do you hear me? Do you understand me? I don’t want you anywhere near me or my father or this house. Call Will Gruder and have him pick you up, and live with him for all I care, because I am done with you, Anna Helvik. Done. Finished. We are over. Get out of my sight!”