I didn’t want to get in another argument with her. This girl meant more to me than anyone in the world other than my father, and I had basically thrown her out of my house and told her she was worthless. Me. The woman who was supposed to be her guardian angel.
“What are you doing out here, Anna?”
“Nothing. I’m not doing anything.”
“No Bible reading tonight?”
“Why bother? God’s not here. He left Jeremiah to die in this place.”
“We don’t know what happened to him yet.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Who owns the Escalade outside?”
“It’s Will’s. So what?”
“I still need to talk to him.”
“I dropped him at the Witch’s Brew. You can find him there. I told him I’d pick him up later. I wanted to come out here and be by myself for a while.”
“Why? Why come here?”
She didn’t answer. She closed her eyes and focused on her yoga position, as if ignoring me would make me go away. I thought about leaving, but I couldn’t do that. Instead, I took a seat next to her on the old mattress. The smoke of her cigarette burned my throat. The cabin around us was filled with shadows and snow. I saw a dead, frozen robin in the corner.
“Anna, I want to apologize. I said harsh things that I didn’t mean. I was upset about my father. It was wrong of me to take it out on you.”
She was in a pose made for relaxation, but she wasn’t relaxed at all. She was coiled like a spring. When her eyes opened, they were bloodshot and hurt. “Will says people apologize when they accidentally tell you what they really think.”
“That’s not true.”
“You don’t have to lie to me, Shelby. I heard what you said. I got your message loud and clear. You think I’m a worthless little bitch. At least you had the guts to finally admit it. I’m sorry my mom foisted me on you and told you to look after me. The good news is, you’re done. You told me to get lost, and I did. I’m not your problem anymore, so don’t worry about me.”
I had no idea what to say. None. If anyone in that cabin felt like a worthless bitch, it was me.
“Anna, tell me why you came out here. Please.”
“Go away, Shelby. Don’t pretend you care.”
“I’m not pretending. I do care. Talk to me. You can hate me if you want, but I need you to talk to me.”
“Why? What difference does it make?”
“Because I love you. And you’re hurting. I want to help.”
“You can’t help. I wish you’d just go.”
“Well, sorry, I’m not going to do that. Look, Anna, we both know why you’re here. Why can’t you just admit that you’re upset about what happened to Jeremiah? Why is that so hard for you?”
The girl scrambled off the mattress as if I’d set it on fire. She shoved her feet back into her boots and paced back and forth in the cabin. She kicked at the snow with each step.
“Can’t you feel him?”
“Jeremiah?”
“Yes, of course, Jeremiah! He was here. He’s all over this place.”
I tried to feel what she felt, but I didn’t. To me, there were no ghosts here, just the sleeping chill of winter. But I had never been connected to Jeremiah the way Anna was.
“Did you come out here to talk to him?”
“I came out here to tell him to leave me alone.”
“Leave you alone? What do you mean?” And then I realized what she was saying. “You still dream about him, don’t you?”
Anna pushed her blond hair out of her face. She was close to tears. “I have the same dream over and over. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t make it stop.”
“Tell me about it.”
“He keeps telling me he’s okay. He says that he doesn’t blame me, that it’s not my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
The girl picked up an empty, dirty beer bottle from the debris on the floor and heaved it at the wall, where it exploded into a shower of glass. “Of course, it is! Jeremiah! My mom! It’s all my fault!”
I got up from the mattress and took her by the shoulders. “Anna, you didn’t make those things happen. Your mom had cancer. And Jeremiah’s disappearance had absolutely nothing to do with you. If he keeps coming back in your dreams, maybe it’s because you’re not listening to him.”
I hoped that the wall between us might crumble. I hoped that she’d put her arms around me. I was praying that I’d finally be able to reach her. I was looking for anything, any kind of glimmer, even the smallest crack in the shell. But she was as lost as Jeremiah. She shrugged off my hands and backed away from me.
“You don’t know anything. You don’t know who I am. Will does. He knows I’m a bad person.”
“Will is wrong.”
“Yeah? Tell me one good thing I’ve done in my whole life, Shelby. Just one.”
“Are you kidding? Your best friend disappeared ten years ago, and you still miss him. Would a bad person feel that way?”
Anna reached into her pocket and found another cigarette to light. Her fingers trembled. “Shelby, please just go now.”
“I’m not going to leave you here. Let me take you home. My home. That’s where you belong.”
“No. I get it, you feel sorry for me, but I want to be alone right now. Okay? Let me be alone with him.”
Maybe I should have forced her to go with me, but it felt like the wrong thing to do. I couldn’t help her until she wanted my help.
“Okay. If that’s what you want, I’ll go.”
“Thank you.”
I headed for the cabin doorway. I was outside, under the falling snow, when Anna called to me. There was something different in her voice that reminded me of the little girl she once was. “Hey, Shelby?”
I turned around. “Yes?”
“Just so you know, you’re in the dream, too.”
“Your dream about Jeremiah?”
“Yeah. It used to be that I was alone, but lately you’ve been there, too. You’re standing on this dirt road, and when I pass you, you tell me you’re looking for someone, but you can’t find him. And you ask me if I’ve seen him.”
“Who am I looking for? Jeremiah?”
“No. Not him.”
I was puzzled. “Then who?”
“You always say the same thing,” Anna replied. “‘A well-meaning traveler.’ That’s who you’re trying to find.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Even late on a snow-filled Wednesday night, the Witch’s Brew was packed shoulder to shoulder with people. When I came inside out of the cold, I immediately felt warm with so many bodies pressed together around cocktail tables. The entire bar was paneled in walnut, making the place dark. Sconce lights flickered like fake candles. The heads of deer, elk, bears, and moose scowled at me from the walls. I looked around at the faces, but I didn’t see Will Gruder.
People tend to notice the uniform in places like this. They figure it’s never good when a cop arrives, so they gave me space. I heard fragments of conversation as I pushed through the crowd, and everybody was talking about Breezy being dead. I made my way to the bar. I was about to ask the bartender about Will when I noticed a familiar face near the back door.
It was Dennis Sloan, standing off by himself and staring into his beer as if he were alone on the planet.
“Hello, Mr. Sloan.”
Dennis looked up from his drink and eyed me with an anxious stare. That’s the thing about being a parent with a missing child. Whenever a police officer shows up, you think, this is it. This is the moment I find out.
“Mr. Sloan? That’s pretty formal, Shelby. Is this an official visit? Do you have news?”
“No news, but actually, I do have a couple of questions for you. Could we go outside where it’s a little more private?”