…but they wouldn’t make love—they would fuck. Rut. Luke was certain of it. Fall upon each other like wolves, tearing and ripping and biting; there wouldn’t be an ounce of tenderness or concern for each other’s body or needs; it would be a brutal release, a letting go of the pressure they’d existed under for too long, no different than two swollen clouds splitting open with rain. The Trieste would warp the act, making it loveless and mocking—afterward they would be sweaty and bloody in places, ashamed for reasons they couldn’t pinpoint, weaker, mistrustful and less unified than before.
“I’d do the honorable thing and sleep on the floor,” Luke finally said. “I’m real gallant that way.”
The spark that had been kindling in Al’s eyes was snuffed. She gave him a strained smile and offered an awkward curtsy.
“Thank you, m’lord, for keeping me safe from predation.”
Luke smiled. “Think nothing of it, milady. Your virtue must remain untrammeled until you are given away at the grand cotillion ball six months hence.”
The awkwardness passed. Luke’s gaze fell on the stack of Westlake’s journals under the cot. Hadn’t Westlake commented during that final audio file that he’d continued to update his research in those very journals?
“I’d like to leaf through Westlake’s papers,” Luke said. “I may find something.”
Al nodded. “The genny should be just down this tunnel, through another hatch. I’ll check it out while you’re in here.”
Al’s footsteps echoed down the tunnel—she still sounded close by, but sound had a funny way of traveling in the station. Luke did hear a hatch hiss open, and next Al was banging around inside.
“You find it?” he called.
“Yeah,” came her reply. “It’ll need some work. Gimme a holler every so often, okay? It’ll keep us both alert.”
“Ten-four,” said Luke. He sat on the cot. His eyes itched with exhaustion; he screwed his palms into his sockets and blinked to clear the fuzziness. LB hopped up beside him. He rummaged through Westlake’s gear and located a bag of beef jerky. Saliva squirted into his mouth. He was ravenous. He split it with the dog; LB bolted down the tough rags of beef and licked the salt off Luke’s fingers. She tried to stuff her nose inside the bag but Luke snatched it away.
“Where are your manners, girl?”
LB hung her head and watched him indirectly, like a clumsy spy.
Luke reached for Westlake’s journals. Al was still banging away at a comforting cadence. Luke flipped through the first few journals. Scientific jargon, formulas, stuff Luke couldn’t comprehend. He set them aside.
He unzipped his duffel bag and pulled out the journal he’d found in the storage tunneclass="underline" Psych Report. The cover was smeared with that weird ooze.
He flipped it open. The first page and many pages thereafter were filled with Westlake’s neat and careful handwriting.
17.
Wednesday, June 18
Let me say first off, the idea of keeping a journal strikes me as foolish. But I’ve been asked to keep a record of my… FEELINGS? As my old mentor memorably said: “Scientists don’t have feelings, they have agendas!”
But a little about myself, since you’ve insisted. Cooper Westlake. Forty-five years old. Computational biologist. A wife—my third. A daughter, Hannah, seven years old.
On a more serious note, I’m grateful to have been selected for this mission. Like most everyone on earth, I’ve lost loved ones to the Disease (which I refuse to call by its more popular sobriquet). The Disease is curable, I’m sure of it. My surety is shared by Drs. Nelson and Toy.
That will be all for today. Toodleoo.
Friday, June 20
I’ve been onboard the Hesperus three weeks now. The seasickness is gone, but bad dreams are commonplace. Yet a mood of optimism prevails. Having seen Dr. Eva Parks’ footage of the lantern fish and the results of Clayton’s preliminary research, excitement is running high.
I have been suffering nightmares. No—a specific, recurring nightmare. There is some background to it.
I had my daughter, Hannah, with my second wife. She was born in Belmont, Massachusetts; I was on a grant from MIT. Our neighborhood had wide streets, big lawns, rows of well-kept colonial homes.
When Hannah learned to walk, we reorganized our living quarters. We were fastidious in creating a safe environment.
But the basement door kept opening.
The basement held the detritus of past renters, stored in dusty boxes. The steps were shallow… except one step was bigger than the rest; you’d hit that big bastardly step and just about go ass over teakettle every damn time.
The basement ceiling was so low that I’d have to stoop like a crone. There was a sick, fruity odor that thankfully didn’t waft up to the next floor—it smelled a little like death. As if a cat or dog had died of starvation down there, or maybe of fright.
There were spiders, too, big amber-bellied bastards—spiders and the odd skittering movement that may have been rats. I laid down traps but never caught anything. Still, every time I went down I’d hear something pattering through that warren of old boxes.
So yes, the basement door kept opening. And it attracted my daughter.
The first time it happened, my wife alertly swept Hannah into her arms and shut the door. She gave me a recriminatory look, as if I’d left it open.
The next time it happened I was alone, keeping an eye on Hannah without keeping a direct eye on her—as a parent, you develop a sixth sense. When my eyes ticked up, the door was open. Hannah was perched a few feet from the basement stairs.
I shot up and gathered her in my arms. She shrieked. Most worryingly, her arms reached toward the basement—as if she’d wanted to fall. As if she believed something down there would catch her.
Afterward I found a wedge of scrap wood and pounded it under the door until the clockwork of veins at my temples thudded with blood.
The last time it happened a blizzard was raging, snow slicing so heavily that we could barely see our neighbor’s porch lights. I was distracted. My grant was in jeopardy, the car needed a new muffler… off in my own little world. I wondered afterward if it had sensed that, and taken advantage.
IT?
How had the wedge popped loose? I’d pounded it in hard, driven by rage and fear: the wood had cracked, pressure holding it in place.
Hannah stood at the lip of the stairs. The darkness was such as I’ve never known.
My daughter said one word.
Nanna.
Nanna was her grandmother on my ex’s side. A narrow-shouldered, birdlike thing. But Hannah loved her, and fairly so: the woman doted on her.
Nanna.
One word, spoken clear as a bell. Hannah’s arms stretched toward the darkness.
I saw it then: some ineffably old thing dressed in the skin of Hannah’s grandmother, the bones showing through in spots, staring up at my daughter and smiling through a mouth of rotted teeth.
Come then, honeybug. Come hug your darling Nanna.
I caught Hannah at the last instant—my index finger slipped inside her diaper, between the cleft of her buttocks. I felt the terrible weight of her body straining against the diaper clips. She would have fallen headlong…
That, or something may have caught her.
My eyes fled down the steps, even though every muscle and nerve ending in my body fought it.
I saw nothing. Just the steps trailing into that twitching darkness.
But I felt something howling up the staircase as loud and clear as if a banshee had shrieked at me.