'You off to a funeral?' said Ted.
'Sssh!' said Israel.
'Sorry?' said the man.
'Can we have a look inside?' said Israel.
'Sorry, gentlemen,' said the man, blocking the doorway to the van, 'No dogs, I'm afraid.'
Ted picked up Muhammad, tucked him under his arm and uncermoniously pushed past the man and into the van.
'Well,' said the salesman, hurrying in after Ted, 'I suppose that's okay.'
'Sorry,' said Israel, following the salesman inside the van. 'It's been a long day.'
'So, gentlemen,' said the salesman, recovering his equilibrium and warming to his sales pitch, 'this model we call the Grande.' He pronounced the word Grand-A.
'The Grand-A?' repeated Israel.
'As in the Starbucks coffee size,' said the salesman, self-amused.
'Right,' said Israel.
'And then we have the SuperGrande, and the Mega-Grande.'
'Okay,' said Israel.
'And as you can see, we take our inspiration very much from top-of-the-range touring vehicles-American Winnebagos and such like.'
'And American high-street coffee shops?' said Israel.
'Right,' said the salesman. 'This is basically a luxury range of vehicles, which we regard very much as the S class of the mobile world.'
'Super?' said Israel.
'What's all this?' said Ted, pointing towards the driver's seat.
'Well, here,' said the salesman, 'in your light and airy cab area, you have two separate heated leather bucket seats, but depending on your requirements, gentlemen, we can also provide crew cab seating with a full second row, or jump seats.'
'Jump seats,' mused Israel.
'What are these?' said Ted, pulling at something above the windows.
'Don't touch!' yelled the salesman. 'Thank you! That's your electric blinds, for privacy.'
'For privacy?'
'And then there's the tinted glass, of course, and the electric sun roof.' The salesman demonstrated.
'Wow!' said Israel.
'Woof!' said Muhammad.
'There's also ambient lighting here in the cab and around the issue desk, for when you want to create a different sort of atmosphere.'
'A different sort of atmosphere,' said Ted, trying to comprehend what he seemed to be hearing. 'A different sort of atmosphere. In a mobile library.'
The salesman continued, regardless of Ted's mumbled provocations.
'Electronic mirrors and storage area above. Transmission control in the driver's arm rest, as you can see. Sat nav…' He talked on.
'Ted, what do you think, though, really?' whispered Israel. 'Isn't it fantastic?'
Ted just stared at him, Ted-like.
'Muhammad, then?' said Israel, looking at the dog. 'Isn't it good, eh?'
Muhammad just stared at him, dog-like.
'That's great,' said Israel, when the seemingly never-ending mini-tour of the van was completed. 'Thanks very much for showing us round.'
'My pleasure, gentlemen,' said the salesman. 'My name's Paul. If you have any queries, do give me a ring. Here's my card.'
'Thanks,' said Israel.
Ted had already walked away.
'Ted!' said Israel, catching up with him. 'Can't you show a bit more enthusiasm?'
'No,' said Ted. 'I can't.'
They arrived at the next demonstration vehicle.
'Hello,' said the saleswoman, from the top of the steps. She seemed to be wearing a uniform designed for an air stewardess. 'Welcome aboard!' she said, as Ted and Israel climbed the steps and entered in. She wore a light blue jacket with a cinched waist and a figure-hugging skirt, with a red silk scarf knotted around her neck and bright red lipstick. 'So!' She sounded German; all she needed was a uniform hat and Ted and Israel might have been stepping aboard a Lufthansa flight preparing for take-off sometime in the early 1970s rather than on a luxury mobile library in a field in the middle of nowhere. 'My name is Alina. Anything I can help you with, please let me know.' Israel felt himself blushing. 'Brochure,' continued Alina, thrusting one into Israel's hands.
'Thanks,' said Israel.
'So, gentlemen, we call this the Mother Ship.'
'Right,' said Israel.
'Ach, Jesus,' moaned Ted.
'Excuse my friend,' said Israel.
'Of course,' said Alina.
'Are you German?' said Israel.
'Polish,' said the woman.
'Right.'
'Cze015Bć,' said Ted.
'You speak Polish?' said the woman.
'You speak Polish?!' said Israel.
'Not really,' said Ted. 'Sure, there's loads of Poles now over in the north. Mrs Onions has a Polish son-in-law.'
'When did you teach yourself Polish?' said Israel, astonished.
'I haven't taught myself Polish, ye eejit. If you just listened a bit more rather than bletherin' on the whole time ye'd pick up things like that as well.'
'Polish!' said Israel. 'I'd pick up Polish?'
'Lovely dog!' enthused Alina, attempting to change the subject, tickling Muhammad under the chin. 'Anyway, on this vehicle, gentlemen, we are taking our inspiration very much from the glory days of travel and the cutting edge of technology.'
'Right,' said Israel, sceptically.
'You will see on entering,' said the woman, 'our light and airy cab area-'
'Another light and airy cab area!' said Israel.
'Sorry?' said Alina.
'Nothing,' said Israel.
'This light and airy cab area is fitted with all the latest technology. Wraparound dash-'
'Has it got sat nav?' said Israel.
'Sat nav obviously comes as standard.'
'Great,' said Israel. 'It's got sat nav, Ted.'
'I've never got lost,' said Ted.
'So we also have full wi-fi connectivity,' continued the woman.
'Great,' said Israel.
'So that customers wishing to use their own laptops can connect wirelessly. And also up front here, gents,' continued Alina, 'we have new very exciting peer-to-peer capability. This has been developed by us, and by Siemens, and BMW, and Deutsche-Telekom, and allows you to pass data on to other motorists, informing them of road traffic problems.'
'In Tumdrum?' said Ted.
'Where is this?' said the woman.
'In Ireland,' said Israel.
'Northern Ireland,' corrected Ted.
'Ah, I'm not sure if this technology is available yet in Ireland,' said the saleswoman. 'I shall check for you.'
'No, it's fine,' said Israel.
'We've seen enough,' said Ted.
'But the interior?' said the woman, gesturing towards the deep recesses of the van.
'Has it got shelves?' said Ted.
'Yes-'
'Good, that'll do then. Do widzenia,' said Ted.
'Na razie,' said the woman.
'Come on,' said Ted.
Israel hurried after Ted as he strode away from the vehicle.
'Ted! Ted! Hold up!'
'Lot of nonsense,' Ted was muttering. 'Peer collectivity.'
'Connectivity,' said Israel. 'Peer-to-peer. It's all Web 2.0 and…stuff. Anyway, I didn't know you spoke Polish. That's amazing.'
'Aye, well,' said Ted.
'You're full of surprises.'
'And ye're full of-'
'Right. Thank you. But seriously, what do you think of them so far?'
'Of what?'
'Of the new vehicles, of course.'
'Not a lot,' said Ted. 'They're not a patch on our van.'
'Oh, come on, Ted. There's no comparsion. And we're going to have to choose a new vehicle.'
'Not if we win the Concourse of Elégance.'
'Ted, we're not going to win the Concours D'Elégance. Certainly not in the state the van's in now.'
'Well…' Ted huffed.
'So you're just going to get used to the fact that we're going to have to choose a new vehicle.'
'I'll look at one more,' said Ted, 'but then that's it. I've had enough.'
'Fine,' said Israel.
They walked on to the next demonstration vehicle.
'Good afternoon, gentlemen,' intoned the salesman standing in the light and airy cab area. He was a man fat and bald enough to be described not unfairly as a fat and bald man. Israel and Ted automatically reached out for and were automatically given the obligatory thick glossy brochures.