‘I suffer now, Minikin. Every day.’
‘Your suffering is of the heart, child. I’m talking about suffering of the body. Have you forgotten the pain you were in before Sarlvarian?’
‘How could I?’
Minikin left the question open-ended. ‘You want to leave here, don’t you?’
Meriel nodded.
‘Is that what you want from me? My blessing to leave Grimhold?’
‘I wish it were so simple, Minikin. But no, I want something more.’
‘Remove your cowl,’ bid Minikin gently. ‘You have no need to hide from me.’
It had always been her custom to hide her face from everyone but Lukien. Only he had insisted that she never shy away, and she loved him for that. But Minikin’s mild words coaxed Meriel’s cowl down, revealing her horribly scarred face.
‘It is well that you should see me as I truly am,’ said Meriel, ‘because I do not wish to be this way any longer. Look at me, Minikin. Look at my ugliness and tell me that you cannot understand this wish.’
‘I understand,’ said Minikin. ‘It is hard for you, I know.’
‘No, you don’t understand. You don’t know what I’m asking, do you?’
‘Here in Grimhold your thoughts are your own. I have the tools to pry them open if that’s what you want. Or can you find the words to tell me yourself?’
Suddenly Meriel was afraid. The courage she had cultivated throughout the day fled as she looked at Minikin across the night gloom. ‘Minikin, I wish to leave here, but not as I am. I want to change,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to return to the world as a monster. I want to change the way I look.’ She steeled herself before concluding, ‘I want to change my Akari.’
It was rare to see Minikin stunned, but she was so now. Her eyes blinked in disbelief, and for a moment she made no sound at all. Meriel hurried to fill the silence.
‘I have thought about this hard. It’s all I’ve thought about, really. I want to look normal, Minikin, like I did before the fire. I want an Akari that can do that for me, change my appearance the way Ghost does.’
‘But Sarlvarian. .’
‘I know,’ said Meriel, ‘and I’m sorry to even be saying this. If it weren’t so important I would never ask such a thing. But it is possible, yes? If Ghost can make himself appear to vanish, cannot another Akari make me look normal again?’
It was a struggle for Minikin to reply. ‘Yes,’ she said finally. ‘It is possible. But what you ask has never been done before, child. No Inhuman has ever shunned her Akari.’ She glanced down at the amulet around her neck, the one that held the essence of Lariniza. It began to pulse, not angrily but sadly. Minikin’s face grew troubled. ‘The others — Amaraz and his sister — they will not be pleased.’
‘But you can make them allow it,’ Meriel begged. ‘They’ll listen to you. If you tell them how important this is to me, they will let you do this for me. And you can find another host for Sarlvarian. The boy you brought from Jador, perhaps.’
‘Carlan? You seem to have thought of everything.’
‘Minikin, this is not easy for me. But look at me!’ She put her face closer to the fire, held out her hands for Minikin to inspect. Even in the weak light the scars were unmistakable. ‘I can’t go on like this, being alone. Being unloved. I want to be whole again. If there’s a way you must help me find it.’
‘But you are not unloved, Meriel. I love you. The other Inhumans love you.’
Meriel leaned back and tried to mask her thoughts. ‘That’s not what I mean.’
‘No. I see that now. You mean the love of a man. You want Lukien to love you.’
Hotness flushed Meriel’s face. ‘It’s not so simple.’
‘He never will, Meriel.’
‘Minikin, you’re presuming too much. .’
‘He never will,’ repeated the mistress firmly. ‘He’s in love with another. A memory, perhaps, but another just the same. Mark me, child — I could have the Akari change you into a goddess, and Lukien would still not have eyes for you.’
Minikin’s frankness made Meriel bristle. ‘He cares for me, Minikin. I know he does. He’s kind and good to me and he spends time with me. He would love me were I not so hideous.’
‘He already loves you, as a brother loves a sister. But as a man loves a woman? No. Never. Not while Cassandra still haunts him.’
‘Minikin, please,’ begged Meriel. ‘I was pretty before the burning. In time I can make him forget Cassandra.’
‘No,’ said Minikin. ‘I can’t let you believe that. It’s a lie, and if you live a lie you will always be unhappy.’
‘But I am unhappy! Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see what living like a monster is like for me?’
Hurt flashed through Minikin’s face. Never before had Meriel raised her voice to her. It made something in the little woman shift. Minikin took a mournful breath.
‘I have failed you,’ she said finally. ‘I tried so hard to make you one of us, but you’ve never been one of us. Like a peg I’ve tried to make you fit but you just don’t. Perhaps you cannot, I don’t know. But I have tried, Meriel. I never forced you to stay here. I never made you take an Inhuman name.’
Meriel nodded, for that was one thing she had always appreciated. Unlike the other Inhumans, she had not taken on a name to match her appearance or strange gifts. Doing so had always seemed too final for her, too much like giving up.
‘You have been kind, and if I’ve been ungrateful I am sorry. But now the time has come for me to go, and I have to ask this thing of you.’ She smiled at Minikin, and in that moment truly loved her benefactor. ‘Please, won’t you do this thing for me? If it’s in your power, can’t you make me whole again?’
‘But you are not broken, child,’ said Minikin sadly. ‘How can I make you see that?’
‘All that I see when I look at a mirror is this,’ said Meriel, holding out her scarred hands. ‘I don’t just hide from others. I hide from myself. I wear my cloak because passing a looking glass is like a dagger in my heart. That’s not why you brought me here. I know it’s not. You brought me here to help me. Please. . won’t you help me now?’
Minikin’s eyes were full of sadness, the kind Meriel had seen only once in the mistress, a year ago when White-Eye’s father had died. It surprised the young woman that sadness had been the reaction, and not anger. She had expected a storm from the little woman.
‘What you’re asking is a great task, Meriel,’ she said. ‘And even if I grant you this thing, it won’t make you happy. This is not something I need magic to see. Your search for Lukien’s love will lead you to oblivion.’
‘Then another man’s love,’ said Meriel desperately. ‘If not Lukien, then someone else. How can you know that another man won’t love me? There’s always that chance, but not like this, not while I’m a horror to behold.’
‘Are you so sure? It seems to me that there are those who love you even with your skin burned.’
Meriel sighed. ‘You mean Thorin. He is too old for me, Minikin.’
‘But he is a man, and he cares for you in a way that Lukien does not. Oh, you may mistake Lukien’s kindness for man-woman love, but it is not. At least Thorin’s love is the kind you crave.’
‘From a younger man,’ said Meriel.
‘From Lukien,’ countered Minikin.
‘Shall we go around like this all night? It was torment for me to choose this decision, Minikin. Please, do not prolong my pain. Tell me what you will do. Will you help me?’
‘If I don’t you will leave here and blame me for every misery you face. Every time a man shuns you or a child stares, you will think of Grimhold and hate us. What choice have you given me, Meriel? I do not want to be hated by you.’
‘Then you’ll help me? You’ll give me a new Akari?’
‘The Akari is not mine to give or take. It will be up to Amaraz to decide. But yes, if he has no objections, I will help you.’
Meriel’s heart leapt. She had not expected Minikin to acquiesce to her request. Truly, she didn’t know what she had expected. To hear her acceptance was overwhelming.