“It seems to me you are omniscient,” I said.
“It is well for you to see me as such.” He smiled and when that smile was tender it transformed his face and moved me deeply.
“I have to talk to you seriously now as it may be some time before we see each other again. I am going to Paris for the meeting of the States-General. We must look at this clearly. At any time … the people could rise. We might subdue them … I do not know. But we are living on a razor’s edge, Minelle. That is why I am speaking to you now. You must know the depth of my feelings for you.” , “No,” I replied, ‘that is exactly what I do not know. I i know that you have been attracted by me, which has surprised me. I know that you brought me here for that reason. I know that you have been similarly attracted to many women. It is precisely the depth of your feelings that I do not know. “
“And you attach great importance to that?”
“It is surely of the greatest importance.”
“I could not talk to you of this while my wife was alive.”
I felt sick with fear. Doubts and suspicions crowded into my mind. I tried to fight off this overwhelming fascination. I was sure that my mother was warning me.
“It is such a short time since she died,” I heard myself say.
“Perhaps you should wait…”
“Wait? Wait for what? Until I am dead? By God, Minelle, do you realize that I might never see you again? You are aware of the mood of the people. You have seen the stones thrown through our windows. Do you realize that if this had happened fifty years ago the culprit would have been discovered, flogged and sent to prison where he would have remained for years.”
“It is not surprising that the people want change.”
“Of course it is not surprising. There should have been justice … compassion … unselfishness … care for the poor. We know that now. But they are not clamouring for those things only. They want revenge. If they succeed there will not be justice. It will simply be a turning of the tables. They will murder us and demand retribution. But you know all this. The country’s affairs weary us.
They are dreary, depressing, hopeless and tragic. Minelle, I want to talk of ourselves . you and me. Whatever happens, know this. My feelings go deep. At first I thought it was a lighthearted desire . such as I have felt throughout my life for many. While you were in Paris, I feared for you. I knew that if I lost you I should never know a moment’s real happiness again. I am going to ask you to marry me.”
“You must realize that is not possible.”
“Why not? Are we not both free now?”
“You have been free such a short time. And the circumstances of your wife’s death…”
“Do you believe what they are saying of me? Dearest Minelle, any black deed they can pin on us, they do, and make a great noise about it.
They accuse me of murdering my wife. “
I looked at him pleadingly.
“You too?” he went on.
“You believe I killed her! You think I slipped up to her bedroom, that I took NouNou’s concoctions and filled her glass. Is that what you believe?”
I could not speak. It was almost as though my mother was beside me.
There, she was saying, as I who had known her so well knew how she would reason, if you believe he could be a murderer, how can you be in love with him?
But she would never have understood this wild emotion. One did not have to have an ideal to love. One could love no matter what the loved one had done, and whatever he did in the future one would go on loving. Perhaps my kind of love was different from that which my mother had known with my father. He had been an honest upright man, a brave sea captain who cared only for his family and that he should conduct his life honourably. All men were not like that.
The Comte was watching me quizzically.
“So you do believe it,” he said. T know that I want to marry you, and I want it before it is too late. I am no longer very young. The world which I have always known is crumbling about me. I feel a need, an urgency . “
“You are telling me that you killed your wife,” I said.
“No, I am not. But I will be honest and say that I wanted her out of the way. I despised her. At times I hated her, but never so much as when she stood between you and me. Vaguely before I had hoped for remarriage that I might get a son. Now that you are here I want it for other reasons too. I have dreamed often of a peaceful existence here in the chateau … our children growing up around us … the pleasant life going on and on. I knew that with you it would have to be marriage. Oddly enough it was what I wanted. Then she died. She took an overdose of that sleeping draught because she knew she was suffering from the disease which killed her mother. It was lingering and painful. Do you believe me now?”
I could not meet his eyes because I knew he would read my doubts there and that I might see the lies in his. I thought of his riding through the village and a small lively boy playing in his path . and the Comte, passing on, leaving nothing but a mangled body. That boy died to suit the Comte’s whim. It was true he had taken the boy’s brother and tried to recompense his family . but what recompense was there for death?
I said slowly: “I understand you well. Your way of life has been that those who are not of your class are of a lesser breed. When I consider that, I feel that change is due.”
“You are right. But do not believe all that you hear of me. Rumour attaches to those who arouse the envy of others. You yourself are not immune.”
“Who should envy me?”
“Many people. There are some who know of my feelings for you. Strange is it not, they envy you for that. There are whispers about me and they include you.”
“I am more convinced than ever that I should return to England.”
“What! Runaway! Leave the sinking ship?”
“It is not really my ship.”
“Let me tell you what they are saying. It is known in some places that there has been a child. I have heard the rumour that it is mine and that you are its mother.”
I flushed scarlet and he went on almost mockingly: “There, you see! It is not wise to believe all the rumours you hear.”
“But such a wicked story …”
Most rumour is wicked. Rumourmongers take an element of truth and build round it and because they have that Foundation of fact, the rumour remains firm. But wise people lever believe all they hear. I waste my time. What does it matter what they say? I have to go to Paris. I have to leave you here. Minelle, take care of yourself. Do not act rashly. Be ready to do whatever I say you must. You know it will be Eor your good. “
“Thank you,” I said.
Then he drew me to him and kissed me as I had never seen kissed before and I wanted to stay in his arms for sver.
“Oh Minelle,” he said, ‘why do you deny your heart? ” Then lie released me.
“Perhaps I would not have it otherwise,” he went on.
“For then it would not be you. Moreover, it is a challenge, you know. One day you will cast aside all wisdom and come to me because nothing simply nothing-will be strong enough to withstand it. That’s what I want.
Whatever I am, whatever my sins of the past, you will not care. You will love me . me . not for my virtues, which are nonexistent-but for myself alone. I must leave you. I have much to do for I must go tomorrow. I shall be gone at dawn before you rise . but one day, Minelle . one day . “
Then he kissed me again, holding me as though he would never let me go. I knew he was right. I was fast reaching that stage when whatever he had done, whatever he was guilty of would seem insignificant beside my great need of him.
I turned and left him hastily, afraid of those emotions which such a short time ago I should have believed I could never experience.