“And the Spirit Society is in on all this,” I said, because there was no other way Cooper could have known so much.
“Hard to believe, huh?”
I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. “Not really. They’re fanatics. If their damned ‘Higher Powers’ want their help creating superhuman vegetables, they’ll do it. Do you know what happened to my biological father?”
Adam shook his head. “Cooper had no idea. He was never found. And the reason Cooper was so terrified of Raphael is he saw what Raphael did to the director of the lab after your father escaped. Let’s just say he made me look like a soft touch.”
“Spare me the details,” I said, and was glad Adam listened to me for once.
The rest of the car ride passed in silence. I’d like to say I was thinking deep thoughts about the nature of fanaticism and the sanctity of human life, but really I was just brooding—having one of those “why me” moments. I figured I was entitled. Of course, if I wasn’t careful, the “why me” moment would turn into a “why me” week and then a “why me” month.
When he pulled up in front of my apartment building, Adam turned to me awkwardly. “Er, would you like me to come up? Do you need someone to talk to?”
The last thing I’d expected was a nice gesture from Adam. Strangely, his unaccustomed niceness brought a lump to my throat. I forced a smile, when usually I would have offered a snarky comment instead. “Thanks, but I think I need some time to myself just now.”
He nodded his understanding, and I got out of the car. I had to fight the urge to watch longingly as he pulled away.
I thought I’d had my share of strife and trauma for the day. I should have known better.
I’d been so distracted by the idea of questioning Cooper—and about how that questioning would go down—that I’d somehow miraculously managed to forget about Brian. While I was riding the elevator up to my apartment, I remembered I was supposed to have a conversation with him. Internally, I groaned. He was going to be pissed at me for waiting this long to call him. Not that he wasn’t pissed enough already, what with me having made him an accessory to murder and all. If there were a chance in hell I could have avoided our little chat, you can bet I would have. As it was, I spent the entire elevator ride chewing my lip, trying to anticipate what questions he was going to ask me. How would I answer them all? Did I dare give him complete honesty? Impossible to say, especially when I couldn’t seem to figure out what I wanted from him just now.
Lost in thought, I opened the door to my apartment and stepped in. I tossed my keys on a side table and turned toward the coat closet to stash the Taser I’d been carrying in my purse all day.
That’s when I noticed that the lights were on. I knew for a fact that I’d turned them off before I’d left. I reached for my Taser with a very different purpose, turning to face the living room.
It says something about how distracted I’d been that I hadn’t noticed Brian sitting there on my living room sofa as soon as I’d walked in the door. A little yelp escaped me when I saw him, and I put my hand to my chest to feel the frantic hammering of my heart.
“Jesus, you scared me,” I said, taking a deep breath to try to calm myself. And belatedly letting go of the Taser.
Brian leaned back into the cushions of the sofa and regarded me with an inscrutable lawyer look.
“How did you get in here?” I asked, still flustered beyond belief.
He shook his head at me, his usually warm eyes cold. “I kept waiting for you to call, and you didn’t. I got tired of waiting, so I came over. Andrew was here moving his stuff out, and he kindly let me in to wait for you.”
I would owe Andy a good kick in the ass for that. But thinking about giving my big brother hell wasn’t my top priority at the moment. Letting out a silent—I hoped—sigh, I dropped my purse on the dining room table and sat on the other end of the sofa from Brian.
“I’m sorry,” I told him, and I meant it. “My life is complete and utter chaos these days, and I can only handle one or two problems at a time. I was planning to call you as soon as I got home.”
“Uh-huh.” His voice dripped with skepticism.
“I was!” I insisted. No need to mention that I hadn’t come up with that plan until the elevator ride up. He didn’t look any less skeptical, and I guess I didn’t blame him. I scrubbed a hand through my hair and wished with all my heart that Raphael had chosen some other human/superhost hybrid to host his brother the king. My life hadn’t exactly been sugar and spice and everything nice beforehand, but I would happily trade the problems I had now for the ones I’d had then.
“What do you want from me?” I said, and I was almost whispering. “I’m possessed by the king of the demons, and there are all kinds of people out there who want to kill me. My love life can’t be my first priority.”
He snorted. “Like it ever was,” he muttered. “But this isn’t about your love life. This is about you owing me a lot of answers.”
Brian was far too self-aware to be fooling himself that much, but if he wanted to focus on something other than our mixed-up relationship, that was okay with me.
“Fine,” I said. “Ask me your questions.”
So he did. And I answered him, as honestly as I dared.
The cross-examination went on for about half an hour, and Brian was in full lawyer mode, meaning he revealed as little as possible about what he was feeling. As for myself, I was too worn out to feel much of anything.
When he ran out of questions, we both fell silent, lost in our own thoughts. I felt the rift that had opened between us like a physical pain, and I realized with a shock that my reasons for pushing him away might not have been as selfless as I’d told myself. Had I pushed him away for his own good? Or had it been because it was easier on me to push him away on my own terms than to have him leave me? As I watched him mull over everything I’d said, I couldn’t be sure, and something ached deep inside me.
“Do you still love me?” he asked out of the blue, and I almost jumped because he’d been silent so long.
The ache rose from my core and lodged in my throat. I clasped my hands in my lap and stared at them, because I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. If I wanted to keep protecting him—and protecting my own heart—I should tell him no. He probably wouldn’t believe me—after all, he hadn’t believed me up until now, and I saw no reason why anything I’d said would change that. But the words might shore up the fortress I’d built around my heart.
I tried to force myself to deny him. But I couldn’t.
“I never stopped loving you,” I said softly, still staring at my clasped hands. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t.” My eyes burned as though I were on the verge of tears, but I blinked rapidly until the burn faded. “Love doesn’t conquer all. There are just too many obstacles.” He started to object, but I held up my hand for silence. “I’ve had some truly miserable moments in my life,” I said, “but there’s nothing that compares to what I felt when Raphael kidnapped you.” I forced myself to look at him, making no attempt to hide my anguish. “Don’t you understand that it’s impossible for me to consider facing something like that again?”
To my dismay, he moved closer to me. If I could have moved away without falling over the arm of the couch, I would have done so. When I tried to turn my head to avoid his gaze, he put his hand on my face to hold me still. My whole body jolted in shock at the pleasure of that simple touch.
“Stop lying to yourself, Morgan,” he chided gently. “I know that was awful for you—it wasn’t exactly a bowl of cherries for me, either—but you were pushing me away long before that. I’ve managed to keep loving you anyway, even when you’re being a horse’s ass. What are you so afraid of?”
The easy answer, the answer I’d been giving myself ever since I realized my heart was in danger, was that I was a corrupting influence on him, that being with me was souring and changing him, destroying the man I once loved. But I knew now that wasn’t the truth. The truth was I was afraid that one day he’d wise up and realize what a pathetic specimen of humanity I was. My self-esteem wasn’t so hot to begin with. If I openly gave my heart to Brian, and he shoved it back in my face, I didn’t think I could bear it.