The Devils Punchbowl

This is the unspoken heart of our conversation.

“Well…you know my decision to run for mayor was probably the main reason that Caitlin and I broke up.”

“Uh-huh.”

That'’s why I'm asking this now, dummy,

her eyes seem to say. “But I don'’t think she really wanted to leave us.”

“I don'’t either.”

“She kept her house here.”

“Yes. And I think that house was sort of a symbol. A reminder that she was still out there, hoping I would come to her. But this town is too small for Caitlin. If we were all going to be together, I think it would have to be somewhere else. And I'm not sure that’s what you want, since you’d have to leave behind the friends you'’ve made here.”

Annie’s face can be difficult to read, but in this moment her mother’s eyes shine out at me with certainty. “I don'’t care where we live, Daddy. As long as we’re together.”

“By ‘we,’ do you mean you and me?”

Annie shakes her head. “I mean the three of us. I want Caitlin to be my mom. I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

When the tears swell in the corners of my eyes, I turn and look toward the door.

Annie rises up and puts her arms around my neck. “It’s okay, Dad. I think even Mom would want that. She’d want us to be happy. She’d want you to have someone to take care of you.”

“And you,” I choke out.

“You’ve taken good care of me. But I think you’re right. I think it’s time to let Mr. Paul take care of the town, and us take care of each other.”

I lean down and hug her as tight as I dare. When I rise back up, she says, “I think Caitlin needs us too.”

This brings a wave of warmth into my chest. “I think you’re right. Now, you need to get some sleep.”

“I will. I'm glad to be in my own bed again.”

I smile, kiss her once more, then turn out the light and leave the room.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I see Kelly walking through the front door. He’s moving more slowly than usual, and his eyes look bleary. Then I see the Styrofoam cup in his hand. The smell of alcohol hits me with his first words.

“Hey, Penn, how’s everybody doing?”

“It’s all good. We’re glad to be back together. How about you? You okay?”

“I'm good.”

I reach out and squeeze his shoulder. “You look pretty out of it.”

“Well…I haven'’t done much sleeping since I got here. I don'’t need much, but I need some.”

“Well tonight you can finally get some.”

He gives an exaggerated nod. “Yep. I finally took me a drink too. I didn't want to buy one on the

Queen.

That fucking Quinn would love to get me that way. I'’ll bet he was watching me on the CCTVs the whole time.”

“Where’d you go?”

“Stopped at a little bar on the way back here, down on the corner of Canal Street. It’s called the Corner Bar, fittingly enough.” Kelly almost giggles, which makes me laugh.

“Dude, you need some serious sleep.”

“Yeah. I'm going to sit on the couch in the den for a while. Zone out and watch a movie. Will that bother Annie?”

“Nah. I do it all the time.”

“Hey,” Kelly says, as though just remembering something important. “I just saw Caitlin pull into her driveway.”

Something stirs in my chest. “Really?”

“Yeah. She didn't look too happy. I think you ought to go talk to her.”

“I don'’t think she wants that right now.”

“Bullshit. When you think they don'’t want to talk to you…that’s

exactly

when they want you to talk to them. Take it from me.”

The truth is, I very much want to talk to Caitlin. Before doubt can

stop me, I dial her cell and am surprised when she doesn’'t let it go to voice mail.

“Penn?” she says.

“Yes.”

“Is anything wrong?”

“No. I was wondering if I could come over and talk to you.”

“I'm pretty wiped out, actually. Is it important?”

Kelly motions for me to push it. “I think it is. It won'’t take long.”

There’s a long silence. Then she says, “All right, I'’ll be on the porch.”

“Thanks. I'm on my way.”

“Way to go!” Kelly says, slapping my back. “I told you.”

As I smile back at him, I see that he must have had quite a few drinks at the Corner Bar. His eyes are bloodshot slits. But if anybody’s earned a few drinks, Kelly has.

“I'’ll see you, bro,” I say.

“I hope not. You need to stay over there tonight.”

“Is Carl there?”

“Yeah. But I'’ll text him to put some Kleenex in his ears. Go on, man. She’s waiting for you.”

I wave him off and hurry out.

CHAPTER

44

Caitlin waits on her porch with her arms folded, her hair down around her neck. She’s wearing a blue cashmere sweater and jeans, and from her expression I get the feeling she’s not planning on being out here long. I walk up the steps and stop a few feet short of her.

“Long day?” I ask.

She shrugs. “Yes and no. Lots to think about. No big epiphanies. What about you?”

“I did a lot of thinking during Tim’s funeral. About Annie, about the town. But about us, mostly.”

Caitlin doesn’'t prompt me to continue, but there’s no point backing away from it now. “I realized today that I lost you the first time because I was too idealistic, which you told me at the time. I wanted to do something that you thought was impossible, and I didn't really listen to your objections. I thought you didn't see the situation as deeply as I did, so I went on and did it anyway. And you left.”

She’s watching me with interest now. She doesn’'t often get abject admissions of fault from me.

“I really thought you were never coming back,” I go on. “But you did. And I think you were open to us when you came back. And the irony is, now I'm losing you again, only this time it’s because you want me to do something

I

think is impossible, at least for the time being. Now it’s your idealism that’s separating us.”

Her mouth opens in amazement. “So it’s

my

fault? That'’s what you’re saying?”

“No. I'm saying that you were right the first time. I was wrong to think I could save this town by myself. It was hubris. And though my parents raised me never to quit anything, I think that for a lot of reasons, the time has come for me to step down and focus on what the people I care about really need.”

She looks steadily back at me, but I can’t read her expression. Whatever she feels, it’s clearly not what I’d hoped for.

“I spoke to Paul Labry today about running for mayor after I resign.”

“Resign?” She draws back as though she can’t quite believe this. “And what do you plan to do after that?”

“Move somewhere that you can be happy working in your job, and where Annie can go to a top-flight school.”

Caitlin blinks several times, then looks curiously at me. “And you?”

“I can write anywhere.”

She turns toward the street and leans on her porch rail. “I don'’t know what to say.”

“I thought you’d be happy to hear that. More than happy, actually.”

A sad smile touches her mouth. “I would have thought so too. I’'ve waited a long time to hear it. A very long time. But now that I have, what it sounds like is…you’re running away.”

“Running away? From what? The job?”

“I don'’t know.” She turns to me with anger in her eyes. “From Tim’s death, from Sands, this whole dirty mess. And, yes, the job too. What about the noble work that meant so much to you two years ago? I don'’t get it. It’s like for the first time in your life, you’re trying to take the easy road. And I don'’t—that’s not the man I fell in love with.”