The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook
Dungeon Crawler Carl, Book III
Matt Dinniman
Dandy House
Copyright © 2021 by Matt Dinniman
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Permission will be granted in exchange for noodz or gift certificates to Panda Express.
Edited by Cheryl Dyson
Cover Illustration by Luciano Fleitas
https://www.artstation.com/lucianofleitas
Cover Design by Toby Dinniman
Interior Illustrations by Erik Wilson
http://www.erikwilsonartgallery.com/
Hey, book three! Thanks everyone for still hanging out with me on this crazy journey through the dungeon. Special thanks to all my Donut Holes over on Patreon. You guys rock.
Let what you do mean something.
King Kong Bundy
Contents
Preface
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Epilogue
Why do we keep meeting like this?
About the Author
Mailing List! Patreon!
Also by Matt Dinniman
The page where we tout Facebook groups so they let us spam them about this book
Preface
Hey, Matt the author guy here. A quick note about this particular book. The fourth floor of the dungeon is set up as a massive, deliberately-confusing puzzle. Carl, Donut, and the rest of the team have to work really hard to figure out the dungeon’s layout. You, the super awesome reader, do not need to understand the floor’s intricacies in order to understand or fully enjoy what is happening. Platform names and numbers and colors are gonna be flying by. It’s okay not to remember them. It only becomes important at the end.
There will be a map near the end of the book to help you understand the endgame. Until then, enjoy the ride and mind the gap.
And, yes, “zomp” is really a color.
1
Time to level Collapse: 10 Days.
Views: 43.1 Quadrillion
Followers: 677 Trillion
Favorites: 158.1 Trillion
Leaderboard rank: 6
Bounty: 100,000 gold
Red Line.
Welcome, Crawler to the fourth floor. “The Iron Tangle”
Your title has reverted to Royal Bodyguard.
Sponsorship bidding initiated on Crawler #4,122. Bidding ends in 45 hours.
The world rumbled. The ground shook. I stumbled backward the moment we appeared, but I was held upright by a metal wall. Lights flashed in a quick staccato, pulsing on either side of the long, thin room. I felt the thump, thump, thump under my feet. We were in a long, plastic and metal tube that vibrated and thundered. The lights in the room blinked out then turned back on.
Mongo screeched in anger and fear. Donut jumped to my shoulder, trembling. Katia clutched onto a metal pole rising from the floor to the ceiling.
New achievement! I’m on a train!
Choo Choo, Motherfucker.
Reward: You’ve received a Train Conductor’s Souvenir Hat! Wear it with pride!
“It’s a subway car,” I said. We hurtled through a tunnel, racing toward some unknown destination.
A double aisle of seats, facing inward, filled the train car. The seats were made of beige, molded plastic with brown cushions that were ripped and tagged with marker and spray paint. The words were in nonsensical letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. The floor was dingy and pocked. Scorch marks dotted the plastic walls. Poles rose to the ceiling at regular intervals and also ran the length of the car. The whole place smelled like a pile of dead rats.
The train car was empty except for our party.
“It’s a Metro car from Moscow,” Katia said. “But the ones I rode were in much better condition than this. And cleaner.” Her face had returned to the mostly-human, blond-haired form she’d held earlier. Her nose had been knocked halfway around her face the last time I’d seen her in her doppelganger form, but she’d willed it back into place.
At the end of the subway car was a closed door with no window. Above the door hung a small, electric sign with red words scrolling across the top.
Red Line, Car 20. Next stop: Sirin Station (81) in 12 minutes and 32 seconds.
“Everybody get dressed,” I said. I sat down in the chair and quickly began the process of putting my gear back on. I briefly examined the stupid train hat we’d received, and it was junk. It wasn’t magical. It was a simple, blue and white hat one would see on a toddler. It had the words “I rode the Iron Tangle” embroidered on it.
“Carl, it says I have to pick a new class because of my Character Actor skill. I only have six minutes to choose, or I will get a ‘random’ one,” Donut said. “The list is full of new stuff. Not the same as before.”
Carclass="underline" Mordecai. Help Donut pick a class. She’s going to read off some choices. We’re in a moving train car. I think it’s a subway system-themed floor.
Mordecai: Welcome back. Donut, hit me with the suggested list.
Donut: I DON’T LIKE THESE CHOICES, MORDECAI.
As Donut rattled off a list of options in the chat, including things like Alley Cat Brawler and Nec-Cat-Mancer, I moved to the window and peered outside.
We moved swiftly. The exterior wall of the tunnel was right there, barely inches from the window. It appeared to be made of dirt or rock. Lights flashed by occasionally, as if electrical lights were built into the tunnel walls at random intervals.
“Why does she always type in all caps?” Katia whispered as I peered out the window. “Is it because she’s four-legged?”
“No. It’s because she’s Donut.”
“She’s quite the handful, isn’t she?”
I remembered what Odette had said about Hekla wanting to steal Donut away.
“More than you know,” I said.
We had 10 days to complete this floor. Our first priority would be to find a stairwell. If we were constantly moving, that was going to provide a unique challenge. There were only 9,375 stairwells this time. If the level truly was subway or train-themed, and this wasn’t just taking us to some random location where the floor was really going to begin, we needed a map. Even if there was a stairwell at each and every stop, that suggested this system was beyond huge. Finding a stairwell wouldn’t be enough if we didn’t know how to circle back.