"I’m in big trouble, here!" Teela replied. "I need somebody with sense to tell me to run — and keep on running!"
"What ARE you talking about?" Sally growled, irritated. She’d been watching TV…
"You know Hunky Boy’s friend? The one with the dark, curly hair? Rick, something?"
"Yeah…" Sally started to get interested.
"Well, I ran into him at the cinema…"
"Literally?" Sally giggled.
"Well, okay, I saw him and went over to beat the crap out of him and get him to 'fess up that Hunky Boy is just jerking your chain…"
"How did that go?" Sally asked, mildly amused.
"Well, about like the first time, I guess…"
"He sat you on your butt?"
"No…" Teela sighed. "I was a little too blatant about it I guess, because this mall security guy comes up…"
"Why?"
"I was gonna hit him, I guess. I didn’t, but it was a threat, so the guy took one look at me and offers to toss me out…"
"Oops! Sounds ugly…"
"Yeah. Well, Rick tells him it’s this Goth vampire greeting — that I was just pretending. I go along with the gag, and we do this little mock fighting thing — and Rick ends up sucking my neck!"
Sally snorted laughter, "Oh, he’s GOOD!"
"Yeah." Teela grunted. "I had to sit still for it, or I was gone. Things went down hill from there…"
"Oh?"
"Well, the guy’s like a kung-fu master, or something — every time I go to attack him, he’s not there — and then when I retreat, he’s behind me or something. He pulled some kind of a fast one at the concession stand, and the next thing I know, we’re leaving the ticket taker and he’s got his hand around my waist! And I’m carrying a soda and popcorn, and don’t have any free hands…"
"You could have dumped popcorn on him…"
"Do you KNOW how much that stuff costs? It might as well be made of gold! I’m gonna waste it like that?" Teela ranted.
"Okay, so, it wasn’t that serious, then…" Sally prodded, chuckling.
"Well, it’s the principle of the thing! He … takes liberties…" Teela mused a moment, then continued, "So we go into the theater; he says we need to talk about you guys, so I put up with it — like I had a choice! I tried a couple of things, and he manages to not be there even in a row of seats! Anyway, he plops down next to me and we start talking about you guys — and suddenly, it’s like I’m talking to a different dude!"
"How so?"
"Well, I braced him about Hunky Boy and his nefarious plans to separate you from your cherry, and he’s like, I’m freaked, too! So I’m like, Yeah, sure, and he goes, 'I can’t figure it out… ' It turns out that he’s talked to Hunky Boy about you until he’s blue in the face, but Hunky Boy sees something in you…"
"Well, he could just have been bull shitting you," Sally offered.
"If he was, it was a totally slick job!" Teela shot back. "I mean, I’d have expected him to say nice things about you — but according to him, he wouldn’t be caught dead with you, and he can’t understand for the life of him why Hunky Boy is serious!"
"THAT’s not exactly a recommendation…" Sally grunted.
"Well, he was fairly nice about it, but you just do nothing for him — and he can’t figure out why Hunky Boy is all lit up…"
"Lon."
"What?"
"His name is Lon."
"Oh."
"So, did he convince you that Lon wasn’t after my cherry?"
"Well, no, he didn’t try, actually," Teela replied, thoughtfully. "What he said was like, 'Of course, he’s gonna want to fuck her, but that’s just part of the deal — he’s got this whole girlfriend deal he’s trying her out for… ' I was, like, nonplussed…"
"Really?"
"Really. I said, Like dating? Like, off to the Prom? and he’s like, Yeah, weird, huh? And he’s OBVIOUSLY not supporting it…"
"Well, you’re right, I guess," Sally hazarded, "either he’s really slick, or he’s telling the truth … Still, I’m insulted — what’s wrong with me?"
Teela sighed. "The usual thing. He can’t get around your size. Apparently, Hu-- I mean Lon — sees it as an advantage, though."
"Did he say why?"
"No — he doesn’t understand it. Well, he appears to — like, at one remove — but he can’t get his head into it…"
"Okay, so, you had your little talk, and it went different than you thought. I’m not seeing the excitement you called me about…" Sally sighed.
"Yeah…" Teela paused a moment. "That happened after. The conversation drifted to us — and the fact that you two seemed to think we might go together…"
"Yeah, like dynamite and matches!" Sally laughed.
"More like a bomb and the bomb squad," Teela replied. "He always seems to know what wire to cut…" She pulled herself together and got back on track, "Anyway, when the topic shifted, he froze up — just stopped talking altogether. He seemed really bothered. We went through the movie like that. At the end of it, I figured that I’d let him off the hook, so I started to tell him that just because you two made jokes, it didn’t mean we had to laugh — and suddenly, he’s like, Shut up! and I find myself up against the wall and he’s kissing me…"
"Holy Shit! Then what?"
"Are you kidding? I ran like a rabbit, that’s what!" Teela went silent, remembering. "I got about thirty feet … He’s slipperier than an eel and has more tentacles than an octopus. I couldn’t fight…"
"Did you want to?" Sally’s voice was amused.
"Fuck, no! That was half the problem! His lips would latch onto me and I’d be grabbing, not pushing … There has to be something supernatural about the guy — nothing I do works on him … I think he’s a succubus."
"I think you’ve met your match!" Sally giggled.
"That’s all right for YOU to say!" Teela erupted. "He … manipulates me — almost effortlessly! He started dragging me out to his car — and when I put on the brakes, he starts talking about how he doesn’t HAVE to do me to tell everybody ELSE he HAS, complete with bullshit details! So I took off after him — and we ended up at his car, of course…"
Sally could hardly breathe, she was laughing so hard! "He’s sure got YOUR number!" she gasped out.
"Very fucking funny!" Teela grated. "Some help YOU are!"
"So he got you into his car?"
"Yeah — manhandling me, mostly — and some tricks with the door locks. Then he gets in and starts riding me about how I’m fucking up by the numbers, so it MUST be deliberate. And I try to hit him, and we end up kissing … Every time I try to hit him, we end up kissing! Why is that?"
"One of you is a lover, I guess," Sally smirked. "So how was it?"
"It was fucking stupendous!" Teela cried. "And it was all rated G, basically — I don’t think he as much as cupped a tit! We were at it — I dunno — forty-five minutes? It was great, but when I look back at it, I’m scared to death!"
"Did he say anything about a re-match?"
"Well, he took my number — and he got it right, too, 'cause he tested it…"
"Okay, so, what’s so awful?" Sally asked.
"I can’t stop him! He just changes up and keeps coming! If he wants my cherry, he’ll get it — I can’t stop him! Hell, he COULD have gotten it right there in the mall parking lot!" Teela wailed.
"Why didn’t he?"
"I asked him, sort of. He said if he did that, it’d prove I was right about him, and about Lon, and so on, and so on. Basically, if he did, he’d be handing me something to defend myself with. This way, I got nothing — he was Mr. Clean."