I couldn’t ask them at that point to please wait a minute. I made up my mind to go through with it.
Two days later, we were wed at my home. Kae and I hadn’t been able to speak privately since the night of the banquet. By the time the ceremony was over and we were alone, it was very late.
“Please take good care of me,” Kae said, giving me a deep bow.
“I ask the same of you,” I replied, meekly lowering my head. I was nervous. I had never been so nervous, not even in the midst of battle. But I mustered up my resolve and said, “There’s something I need to tell you, Kae-san.”
“Yes.”
“Imperial HQ says that Japan is winning the war, but in fact, we’re losing.”
Kae simply nodded. Her reaction made me realize that the village folk did not, in fact, believe the official announcements. Even without suffering air raids, they had sensed the worsening military situation.
“I return to my unit tomorrow. I don’t know where they’ll send me next. But if I’m sent back to the front, there’s a chance I won’t make it back alive.”
“Yes.”
“It’s wrong of me to say this after we’ve gotten married, but I’m afraid I’ve done something unforgivable to you, all because I made a careless comment to the mayor. If I die in battle, you’ll become a widow. If that happens, don’t worry about my family and find yourself a new man.”
“Won’t you come home to me?”
“I can’t make such a promise. So I don’t want to take your virginity. That would be better for you in case I don’t return and you have to remarry.”
Kae listened carefully to every word. After a long while she said, “Why did you say that you wanted me?”
“Because I like you.”
“Do you know why I agreed to marry you, Masao-san?”
“Why?”
“Because I like you too.”
When she said this, I thought I’d happily die for Kae’s sake.
I made love to her that night.
Now, what a bore I am to speak of this. Forgive me.
The next day, seen off by a crowd, I left Kae and my village. Three days after that, I left Japan once again.
The Americans’ next target was Leyte Island in the Philippines. The Combined Fleet developed a plan for striking at the American forces trying to land on Leyte. It was codenamed Shou-ichi-go: Operation Victory One.
I was stationed at Mabalacat Base on Luzon.
Mabalacat, what a hateful sounding name. Well, the place’s name itself shouldn’t be faulted. But even now, just uttering the name of that town casts a dark shadow over my heart.
One evening sometime after I had arrived there, all aircrew from NCOs on down were assembled in front of the command center. The executive officer addressed us.
“There is only one reason we’ve gathered you all here. Japan is currently facing an unprecedented crisis. I am forced to admit that the current military situation is extremely severe. For that reason, we have decided to deal the Americans a death blow using special attacks.”
I knew immediately what he was referring to. He was going to make us hurl ourselves at the enemy.
“However, as these attacks mean certain death, we have decided to only use volunteers for these units.”
Tension filled the air. A heavy, stifling silence settled over the command center’s environs.
“Volunteers, step forward!” barked an officer standing beside the XO.
Nobody moved. It wasn’t that kind of proposal. The officer had said in effect, Those who wish to die, speak up right now! No one could possibly give an immediate reply. No matter how prepared we were to die in battle, this was an entirely different matter.
“Will you or will you not volunteer?!” another officer bellowed.
Several men stepped forward at that moment. Immediately, everyone else stepped forward, too, as if to keep pace. Before I’d even realized it, I, too, had conformed.
After the war, I read a book that had an account of this moment. It stated that when the officer asked for volunteers, we advanced one and all, begging to become a kamikaze. That stuff is all lies!
The truth was that it was an order made to sound like it wasn’t an order. They didn’t give us a chance to think about it at all. Out of habit from years of conditioning in the military, we reflexively submitted to our superior officers, more or less.
It was only after we returned to our barracks that the gravity of it sank into us. My first thoughts were of Kae. I thought I was going to be less than true to her. Kae’s face came to me, not covered in tears, but hardened in anger. I remembered her face as she’d hit me when we were kids. I silently apologized to her over and over again.
I wrote my very first will then. I’d never bothered before. I don’t remember what I wrote, except for the salutation: “To my beloved Kae-sama.”
To be totally honest, I wasn’t afraid of dying. No, I’m not putting on a front. Ever since Pearl Harbor, I’d thought of myself as a dead man walking. Many pilots far better than I had died already. I had participated in over a hundred air battles by that point, and the fuselage of my fighter had been scarred by enemy fire countless times. None of the shots had proven fatal, but in several cases, a couple dozen centimeters the wrong way would have sent me plunging down. Luck alone was the reason I was still alive. I had always thought that sooner or later I would follow my fallen comrades to the other side…
But being prepared to die on a mission and sortieing with death as the foregone conclusion are two very different things. Until then, even if the odds were very slim, I had gone into battle with a thin ray of hope that I’d live to tell the tale. Meanwhile, a special attack meant that not even luck could save you. Any effort to try and survive would prove useless. Taking off equaled death.
Yet, I had volunteered, so I had to keep my word and die like a man. The only thing that troubled me was thoughts of Kae. I bitterly regretted marrying her. At the same time, I didn’t mind dying if it was to protect her.
In my recollection, it was after we’d volunteered that the First Air Fleet Commander Takijiro Onishi arrived at Mabalacat.
According to the history books, Fleet Commander Onishi came up with the idea of special attacks after arriving in Mabalacat, naming Lieutenant Yukio Seki captain of the first unit. But that can’t be right. NCOs and airmen had been forced to volunteer beforehand. The decision to employ special attacks must have been made prior to the fleet commander’s arrival on scene.
Soon thereafter, the names of the aircrew assigned to the special attack force were announced. Twenty-four men, with Lieutenant Seki their captain.
Frankly, I was very relieved to learn that my name wasn’t on it. Of course, I was well aware that since I had volunteered, sooner or later I would become a kamikaze, but I was relieved all the same. And I hated myself for it.
I found myself at a loss for what to say to those who had been selected. I couldn’t see them as pitiful or unfortunate, understand?
Not one of them grew pale. They were true samurai. I asked myself if I would be able to conduct myself so admirably if I were in their shoes. I’m sure many of us who weren’t chosen wondered the same thing.
Fleet Commander Onishi delivered a speech to the members of the special attack force:
“Japan is in grave danger. Neither cabinet ministers, nor generals, nor the Chief of the General Staff can save her from this danger. Of course, neither can fleet commanders like myself. Only pure-hearted young men brimming with vitality such as you are able to undertake this task. I am making this request of you on behalf of one hundred million Japanese. I pray for your success. As you are all already gods who have given up your lives, you must be unburdened by desire. Your only regret must be that you can never know what gains you achieved by throwing yourself bodily at the enemy. I assure you that I will confirm them and that your accomplishments will be reported to the Emperor himself.”