Sydney seemed touched by the concern. “It’s nothing, and Adrian’s right. They didn’t do anything. He scared them off. Besides, it’s not like they could’ve talked me into doing it.”
I was feeling ill. I glanced around the room. “Hey, where’s Honest Abe? Wasn’t he supposed to get Sydney’s goods?”
Rose didn’t even hear me. Her gaze was fixed firmly on Sydney. “Do you know what dabbling is?”
“Yeah,” said Sydney uncertainly. “It’s when they try to convince you to be a feeder.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘convince’ is the right word,” growled Rose. “It’s when Moroi go out and drug a random human so that they can drink from him or her. Usually her, since it’s usually guys behind it. The human’s kind of out of it from the drug and doesn’t remember anything later, just that they somehow ended up with bruises on their neck. It’s essentially date rape for blood drinking.”
Sydney looked so pale, she could’ve been one of the Moroi. “What . . .”
Rose seemed to realize just how traumatizing that might be to an Alchemist and tried to backpedal. “It doesn’t happen very often,” she said quickly. “And it’d never happen here–especially if you’ve got Adrian as your noble defender. And me.”
Sydney couldn’t formulate a response.
Someone called for Rose, and she bit her lip, glancing worriedly between Sydney and me. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Don’t freak out. There’s nothing to worry about.” She gently touched Sydney’s arm. Sydney flinched and pulled back. Rose heard her name again and glanced up at me. “Talk to her. I’ll be back.”
She scurried away, and I took a step closer to Sydney, who thankfully didn’t jerk away. “She’s right, it’s–”
Sydney’s eyes sharpened. “Why did you lie to me?”
I pointed at her. “Exactly because of this. I didn’t want to scare you.”
“You shouldn’t have sugarcoated it,” she said. “I’m tough enough to handle it.”
“I know you are,” I said softly. “I’m just not tough enough to tell you ugly things. I figured the point was the same: It’s a bunch of bastards taking advantage of someone.”
She nodded, and I held my breath, hoping we were done with this. Then, that cursed memory of hers came into play. “One of them said you used to not mind. Did you go along with it?” Her breath suddenly caught. “Did you ever do it?”
The world swayed around me. I wished to God I had my spirit back so that I could compel her into discussing The Great Gatsby. Instead, I manned up and answered as concisely as I could: “Sort of.”
CHAPTER 16
SYDNEY
“SORT OF?” I DEMANDED. “How can you sort of do . . . something like that?”
I couldn’t bring myself to go into detail. What Rose had just described was horrible. It was the kind of thing Alchemists had nightmares about, the kind of thing that confirmed every allegation of dark, twisted creatures.
Adrian glanced around, but everyone else was preoccupied with their own conversations. “It wasn’t like that. I never drugged anyone. It was a long time ago, just one time, when I was a lot younger and a lot stupider. We were out at a club, and we ended up hanging out with some human girls. They were all drinking a lot–we all were–and there was one who liked me. She got pretty wasted, one thing led to another . . .”
“And you drank from her,” I finished. “When she really didn’t know what was going on.”
“I didn’t drink very much.” I could tell from his expression that even he knew it was a lame excuse. “And technically, she drugged herself.”
I swallowed and tried to address it in an objective Alchemist way. “That was beyond careless. You could’ve exposed the vampire world! Our whole job is covering you guys up, and then you just show everyone.”
“I don’t think she remembered.”
“That almost makes it worse.” My objectivity crumbled. “What you did . . . how could you? It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t a drug! No, it was. Alcohol’s as bad as anything you could’ve slipped her. You took advantage of someone who wasn’t in control of herself. It was a violation.”
Pain crossed his features. “Hell, Sydney. I wasn’t in control of myself.”
“You think that justifies it?” I hissed. “And even if it was ‘just one time,’ how many other times did you look the other way while those friends of yours did a lot worse things?”
“They aren’t my friends anymore. And do you think I could’ve really stopped them?”
“Did you even try?” I demanded.
“I was a different person then!” Realizing how loud he’d gotten, Adrian stepped forward and lowered his voice. “You of all people should understand that. Not even a year ago, you were making the sign against evil around us and wouldn’t shake hands because you thought we were the spawn of Satan.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I was right. And don’t even try to compare superstition to . . . to . . . blood rape.”
He winced. “I’m not saying it’s in the same class. I’m saying people change. We grow up, we learn. You know the kind of person I am. You know I wouldn’t even dream of something like that now.”
“Do I?” I tried to summon up as much outrage as I could because if I didn’t, I might start crying. No way would I crack in a room full of Moroi. “Are you saying you wouldn’t drink my blood if you had the chance? That you don’t think about it?”
“No.” He spoke with such certainty that I almost believed him. “The only thing I want from your body is–well, it’s not that. And you should know that.”
I didn’t know that I did. I turned away, trying to come to terms with something that had just knocked my world off‑kilter. I had long ago accepted that he had an extensive romantic past. Surprisingly, it didn’t bother me so much anymore. It was before my time. Those girls were gone. He didn’t love them. He’d been free, and if he’d wanted to fool around with girls who wanted to as well, then that was his right.
And yet . . . here he was, admitting to fooling around with a girl who hadn’t wanted to. “Fooling around” was being kind, considering what he’d done. Drinking blood was probably the biggest sin Moroi committed, in Alchemist eyes. I’d made my peace with it, that it was their way of life, but it still made me squeamish. It was nothing I could watch, and I was always relieved when Jill and Adrian finished at Clarence’s. Now, I couldn’t shake the image of him doing that terrible thing. He embodied every fear Alchemists had about monsters stalking unwitting victims.
“Sydney . . .”
The pain in his voice made my heart ache, but I had no words of comfort to offer. I couldn’t even comfort myself. He said he’d changed, but was that enough? Could that make up for something so horrific?
“Sorry I’m late.” Abe strolled in with a dhampir man I didn’t know, giving me something to look at besides Adrian’s grief‑stricken face. Abe was carrying a crate and wore a bright teal silk scarf. He probably loved that it was winter. “Some of these things aren’t so easy to get a hold of.”
“But you got everything?” asked Lissa eagerly.
“Of course.” Abe gestured grandly to the dhampir beside him. “Including our tattooist, Horace. We’re ready to start when you are.”
It wasn’t until all eyes in the room swiveled in my direction that I realized he was talking to me. For a moment, my mind was blank. Why on earth were they staring at me? What was I supposed to do? The only thing I could think about was Adrian and that dark confession. Then, slowly, the scientist in me stirred. Right. The ink. Measurements, chemicals. I could do that. There was no moral ambiguity there.
Throwing my shoulders back, I strode up to Abe and spoke in a cold voice I hadn’t used in a very long time. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”