“Come on, brother. Pull your ass together. Let’s go home.”
I patted the center of his chest and couldn’t make my words not slur. “I tore her heart out, man.”
“Uh huh. Get your ass in the car.” Juvante shook his head. “I warned you about Tana. I knew the way you looked at her was different.”
“Yeah. Different.” My head lolled back against the seat and the movement of the car jarred my stomach. “I never thought it would happen to me. I feel...I feel too much, man. But I can’t be with her. Look at what I did to her.”
“Uh huh.”
“I gotta go back in. Keep her safe. That’s the only way. It’s what Chanos wants.”
Sorrow wafted my way from the expression on Juvante’s face. “I know,” he said quietly.
“He owns me.” My stomach lurched again. “Chanos owns me because she owns this.” I thumped my fist across my heart. My stomach decided it didn’t want the vodka. I scrambled up straight and yanked open the door, nearly falling out as I vomited.
Juvante gripped my arm and eased the car over to the shoulder. “You can’t go back in.”
There were no options left. Wiping my mouth, I shook my head but quickly stopped when that rattled my brain. “My life for hers, man. It’s the only way I can protect her.”
Juvante pulled back onto the road. He was my ride or die and I knew he’d give it to me straight whether I wanted to hear it or not. “That reputation you have, I know you’re not proud of that.”
“Yeah.”
“The bare knuckle shut downs, man, you broke a lot of bones. You ruled the streets, man. You even stole a fucking cop car. Could barely see over the damn wheel.” Juvante laughed.
I grinned at the memory of the cop chasing me down the road and then gaping when he’d realized how old I was.
“The first time I saw you I remember thinking skinny ass kid ain’t got nothing but then you kicked so much ass that people were afraid to even say your name. You could make guys shit themselves with just a look. Through all that, man, I always knew you weren’t fighting the world. You were trapped, trying to fight your way out of what you’d become.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “And you did. I’ve watched you lay that darkness down. Going back in doesn’t mean you stay in.”
“This time it does.”
“For Tana.”
I clenched my teeth together. “All the shit in my life, nothing hurts as much as the thought of her hurting. I drove her away because I had to and it took me to my knees.” I swallowed, not wanting to think about this, but knowing I had to make sure there was a backup plan. “If I go down, you do whatever you have to do to get Tana and her family away from Chanos.”
Juvante nodded. “I promise.”
***
My concentration was screwed. I’d busted my hand, hit my head on the hood of a car, and nearly blown a simple brake job on a Honda Civic. A zombie had more life than I did. A week had passed since the shooting and the guilt of what I’d done to Tana was eating me alive. She’d asked me again to stay away and I’d respected her space, hoping that she’d eventually relent and want me around again. I’d have to keep her at arm’s length but if I was with her, it meant she was safe and that’s all I wanted.
Tana didn’t know it was my fault what happened to her mom and if I told her, she’d never want to see me again. Once it was official and I was part of Chanos’ crew, I could never be near her, could never love her, couldn’t allow her to love me, but until then, I wanted to steal enough scraps to keep me from starving with hunger for her. I wanted to memorize her face. Commit her scent to memory. It would have to be enough. I would make it be enough.
My cell phone buzzed, the vibration scooting it across the work bench. I wiped my grease stained hands on a rag and looked at the screen. Tana.
“Hey,” I said when I answered.
It wasn’t her. “Ryan,” her brother’s voice whispered.
“Is something wrong?”
“I...um...I think so.”
My heart nearly stopped. “Alright, buddy. I’m on my way. Hang on. Keep talking.” I jogged past a car waiting for an oil change and knocked on the office before opening the door. “I’m leaving, Abraham. I need to take care of something.”
He nodded and waved me away. We’d talk about it later, but Abraham trusted when I said I had to go, it was important. I fumbled with my car keys and then the engine fired to life. “Alright, Creature, I’m on my way. What’s going on?”
“It’s Tana.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s calling for me. I have to go.”
“Creature, wait. When you hear me at the door, you make sure it’s me and then let me in, okay?”
“Okay.” The call disconnected.
I blew off speed limits racing to her house. By the time I pulled onto her street, my adrenaline was in high gear. Afraid that Chanos might try some shit, I’d asked friends to keep a watch over Tana’s house when I was at work. I wondered if something had gone down but as soon as I saw the old Pontiac across the street, I relaxed. I gave a nod toward Cooper sitting in the car as I passed him. Once I parked, I took the porch steps two at a time and knocked on the door. After a few seconds, it eased open a little and then Mark reached his hand around it and unlatched the screen. I pulled the door open and saw the trouble immediately.
Tana lounged on the sofa, legs tucked under her, staring at the television. A sitcom played and canned laughter erupted every few seconds. Her unbrushed hair tangled in a mess of curls around her face. She had pale skin and bags under her eyes. She looked like she’d worn her sweatpants and grimy T-shirt several days in a row.
“Tana.” At the sound of my voice, she pulled her gaze away from the television to me. Before, her eyes always danced with an inner light. Today, they were dull, uncaring.
I glanced at Mark. “When’s the last time she showered or ate something?”
“She didn’t eat anything yesterday or today.” He plugged his nose. “No shower.”
“Alright. I’m gonna take care of this, but she might not be happy about it and she might yell at me. So I want you to go to your room, put your earbuds in and play a video game or something okay?”
“Okay.”
“Hey, did you eat?”
“She made me.” Head down, Mark shuffled off to his room.
People get hurt. That’s a fact of life, but I hated that Mark learned the lesson so young and he’d learned it because of me.
I went into the bathroom and started the shower, then searched for a clean towel and washcloth. The laundry hamper was piled full. Not taking care of stuff wasn’t Tana. Letting the water warm, I checked out the kitchen. It wasn’t bad, mostly cluttered with takeout boxes.
Back in the living room, I shut off the television and Tana shifted her gaze to me. Her voice was a monotone. “I was watching that.”
I pulled her up off the couch and she snapped out of it to smack my chest. For a slender girl, she could hit. “Stop. You’re going to take a shower.”
Tana cursed me with words I didn’t know she knew and flopped back down onto the cushion. “What’s the point? I can’t do this. I’m trying to be at the hospital for Mom and be here for Mark. I have to go back to work soon or my boss has to hire someone else. There’s no one left to watch Mark and he can’t stay here alone. He’s hurting and I can’t help him. I can’t help mom. I can’t save either of them. I’ve been trying to do the best I can but it’s all so overwhelming and I just want to be someplace quiet where I don’t have to think or feel.”
I knew the nothingness coursing through her. If she didn’t get off the road she was on, eventually, drugs and alcohol would show up willing to dull the pain and the fear. I’d caved in to it the night I’d revisited the alley and that was the first step. Thankfully, I hadn’t taken the second step into that familiar darkness.
Tana would become as lost as I once was and as willing to do anything if only the high would last long enough to get through the day. But, Tana had me. I would prevent her downward spiral whatever it took. “You’re getting in the shower and then we’ll talk. Now let’s go or I’m going to carry you.”