“I know. I asked him about the personal injury policy he had on Mom because he never cancelled it. He said not to look forward to getting any financial support from that. The policy would pay out fifteen thousand dollars. It’s not like he doesn’t have the money to help. I know he still has money in hidden accounts.” Even part of that would help keep me and Mark afloat until like Ryan said, I got my shit together.
“He can be forced to be financially responsible for Mark.”
I shook my head at Ryan’s suggestion. “I don’t have the energy to deal with it or the money for a lawyer or a court case. What if he decides to take Mark and not let me see my brother just to get even? ’Cause he’s like that. Then my brother would be stuck with the jackass father of the year and his anti-kid wife.”
“Who said anything about involving lawyers or the court?”
“You said he could be forced—oh.” Finished with the shower, I shut the water off. “Street justice.”
“It’s pretty effective.”
My mood marginally improved now that I was clean, I took the towel from Ryan and started drying off, pleased with the desire I saw in his eyes. He might have said that our being together was a mistake but he couldn’t hide that he wanted me. I wrapped the towel around me and tucked the end across my breasts. “Thanks for coming over.”
He nodded, looking so far out of reach emotionally that it made me want to cry all over again. “I don’t know how to talk to you now, since everything.” I couldn’t afford to lean on Ryan, to feel more for him than I already suspected was miles past friendship. I had to make sure I didn’t fall for him. The brink of love was a dangerous slope to be on when the other person didn’t intend to be anything other than a friend and maybe not even that. “Everything’s changed.” I almost held my breath waiting for him to lie to me, to tell me I was wrong.
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“I know.” I took a deep breath and forced a smile, a bright, phony one that I’d used often in the past when my parents had given lavish parties filled with people who were too important to give a shit about anyone who wasn’t as rich as they were.
I clenched my hand to keep from reaching for Ryan. Seeing him, being this close to him made me feel stupid and girly and want nothing more than to fling myself into his arms. I wanted him to hold me against his chest and keep my new, ugly world at bay. But unless I wanted to be a masochist, it was best that I didn’t do that.
Shivering, I pulled my robe down from the back of the bathroom door and slid it on. I couldn’t prevent the wide yawn.
“Trouble sleeping?”
I tied the sash around the robe. “I don’t sleep much because I worry that whoever shot Mom will come back. I stay awake and listen to the sounds outside.”
Ryan’s eyes turned into glaciers. “You can sleep. You don’t have to worry about someone hurting you or Mark.”
“What? Are you going to be my guard dog?”
“I won’t let him hurt you.”
The ferociousness of his response hovered, fat with unspoken meaning, between us and I scowled, sensing an undercurrent, a meaning I wasn’t privy to. “You’re sure that it’s a he?”
Ryan blinked. “Most drive-by shootings are done by guys. That’s not hard to figure out.”
He took a step back into the hallway. “If you’re okay, I’ve got to get back to work. Lock up behind me.”
“Okay.” I followed him into the living room and kept my hand on the door after I’d closed it. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Ryan was keeping something from me, something even worse than what had happened to my mom.
*
RYAN
I don’t scare easily. That was a by-product of all the shit I’ve seen but Tana talking about making someone pay scared the hell out of me. She didn’t have any idea the kind of evil that lurked in the world I was going back into. You didn’t hunt for justice without having shit blow back on you. A life for a life, that was the way of the street. For Tana to start asking questions and hunting for the person who hurt her mom would put her in the crosshairs.
I left her house, jogging over to Cooper’s car. He lowered the window and extended his fist. We bumped and I went around to get into the passenger side. “You see anything?”
“Nah. I got here and talked to Ryker. He said a couple cars came by slow but the drivers weren't Chanos’ boys.” He pulled his sunglasses off and leaned across me to pop open the glove box. “Your old sidekick.”
The familiar gun lying there took me back to Donny’s side and all the sounds and smells of that day rushed at me. My hands pressing on his chest, pumping CPR compressions with every ounce of strength I had while blood oozed between my fingers. His broken voice telling me he was scared and pleading with me not to let him die. I slammed the glove box closed, wishing I could shut off the memory the same way. “I don’t carry any more.”
“I know that, but no matter how good you are with your fists, you’re no match for Chanos’ bullets.”
“Every time I look at a gun, I think of Donny,” I said.
Cooper nodded. “He was my friend too.”
Like me, Cooper had chosen to get jumped out of the gang. He’d fought demons far worse than mine and had come closer than I had to ending up in prison. He put his sunglasses back on. “Now picture if that was Tana you had to bury instead of Donny.”
The thought made me break out in a sweat. I couldn’t let anything happen to her no matter what bad shit I had to do and I didn’t doubt there was bad shit on the horizon. The demons I’d tried to outrun were reaching for me. I could almost hear their triumph. “I’m not carrying when I’m back in again.”
“Back in?” Cooper laughed, a hard, dry sound. “You never really left.” He smacked the tattoo on his arm. A replica of the one on mine. “Southtown Brothers for life, man.”
I’d promised Donny I’d never go back. But that was before Tana, before I knew there’d even be a Tana. Before I ripped my heart out of my chest and handed it over to her. I might not be in prison but Southtown Brothers was my life sentence. I knew that now.
“If you need me when the shit hits the fan, you know I’m there,” Cooper said.
I glanced toward Tana’s house. “Yeah.” I left the car, shutting the door in my wake.
“Here.” Cooper tossed the gun out onto the grass at my feet and revved the engine when I stared at him. “That dark side of you—the one that’s trying to figure out a way to beat Chanos until he’s a bloody stain—that’s a part of you that still exists. Might as well face facts. You can clean yourself up, you can think you’ve moved on, but you’re owned by the streets same as me. Juvante’s due to take the next watch. He’s on his way. See you.” He did a U-turn in the middle of the road and drove away.
I looked at the steel demon on the grass, waiting for the opportunity for me to give it life. The things I thought I’d escaped from taunted me, dancing in my memory, screenshot after screenshot of the things I’d done. My record was filled with events of vandalism, reckless driving, discharging a firearm in city limits, simple possession, grand theft for jacking cars, aggravated assault for beating the foster dad who was hurting his daughter and...I clenched my hands into fists. Regardless of the man I’d tried to become, how could I for one second have thought it was okay to have who I’d used to be around Tana?
A movement caught my eye and I turned my head to see. A black SUV rolled down the street, slowing, then stopping in front of Tana’s house. The driver focused on the front door of the house too long to be idle curiosity. I bent over, picked up the gun and jogged toward the SUV.
I knew the guy. Everyone called him Slam. Fat high school kid. A foot soldier for Chanos. Probably no idea what he was getting into. He was so busy looking the other direction, he never saw me coming until I had my hand at the side of his neck. I pushed my thumb against his windpipe hard enough for it to be uncomfortable and squeezed. “Five seconds before I beat your ass, bitch.”