*
RYAN
The stinging cold of the shower did nothing to take away the raging desire I felt for Tana. I hated pretending, hated acting like being with her had meant nothing to me, but it was for the best. The hurt on her face had nearly undone me. I’d almost reached for her and told her that she was the one girl I’d do anything for. But if I did that, if I let myself have her in my life and she got hurt because of me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Letting her hate me was easier even if I did feel like my heart was being crushed into liquid.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew she cared as more than a friend. It was obvious in the way she looked at me and in the way she reacted when I touched her. I thought about her, dreamed about her and longed for her but that’s all I’d ever have and for her safety, I would make it be enough. She needed a guy she could be proud of. One who didn’t have a history that might blow back on her.
Leaning forward, I held my head under the spray of water and let it wash away the day, wishing that I could wash away the pain just as easily. I thought of Mrs. Shaw’s tired smile. The way her eyes shone with love whenever she’d talked about her kids. I pounded my fist against the side of the surround. There was something I needed to do. I finished the shower and quickly dressed in a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt I’d left at Tana’s house before. Grabbing my cell phone, I called Juvante and asked him to watch over Tana’s house for a little while. He instantly agreed.
When I left the bathroom, Tana was standing in the doorway of Mark’s room, watching her brother sleep.
“I’m going out. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
She didn’t even bother to turn around. “Whether you come or go is your business. There’s an extra house key in the bowl on the table by the door. Take it so you can let yourself in when you get back.”
“You hate me.”
At that, she did turn around. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair, wanted to see it spread out on a pillow while I looked down into her eyes. I wanted to slide into her and watch her eyes darken and feel her hands gripping my back. I wanted to hear her cry out my name. I forced the images away.
“I don’t hate you.” Her expression was bland, like I was a stranger she was talking to about the weather.
The disappointment radiating from her followed me out. As soon as I set foot on the porch, the door shut behind me and she locked up. I hung around outside until Juvante showed up. For once, his usual humor was missing. He jerked his head toward the house. “How are they?”
“A mess.”
Juvante glanced at me. “Where are you heading?”
“To the hospital.”
“Oh, man.” Juvante sighed. He thumped my shoulder. “You’re not going to find what you’re looking for. She can’t give you absolution for the things you did in the past that led to her shooting.”
“I need to do this.”
He nodded. “Alright, man. I’ll keep watch.”
I walked around the Charger and opened the door. “When I get back we need to talk about setting up a few matches.”
Juvante’s eyes widened. “Thought you were done with those once you went to work at the garage.”
Bare knuckle boxing was a good way to break the bones in your hand if you landed a jab wrong against an opponent’s head. I hadn’t wanted to risk injuring my hands because I’d wanted to work on cars. I’d wanted to leave any kind of violence behind. Too late for any of that now. “I have to do it,” I said. “And I need big draws.”
“Chanos put you up to this?”
“No. This is for Tana.”
He nodded. “I’ll talk to Brooklyn’s brother. We can probably get a few thousand dollar ones right away. You’ve been missed in the cock fights, man.”
I grinned at that. Everyone knew the fights were about two things. The money and who was the baddest ass. “See ya.” I eased from the driveway and let the night swallow up the car.
Chapter Eighteen
TANA
I rolled over in bed and punched the pillow, then flopped onto my back and stared at the ceiling. It was hot in the house and the air conditioner wasn’t working well. The heat combined with thinking about Ryan made it hard to sleep. Where had he gone? To another girl? I’m done with him, remember? So what if he went out to screw some other girl? It wasn’t my business and it didn’t matter to me. My heart lurched, making me a liar.
Oh, who the hell was I kidding? Tossing aside the sheet, I reached for my robe and froze. There was a noise at the front of the house. Oh my God. I crept from the room and when I reached the living room, I crawled to the door and peeked through the window beside it. Juvante? What the hell? Standing up, I yanked open the door. “Juvante!”
He jumped and spun around. “Damn, girl. Give me a heart attack.”
“What are you doing here?”
He looked uncertain and I knew it had something to do with Ryan. The two of them were as thick as thieves. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on. Can’t a guy stop by to see his brother?”
“It’s after midnight. What couldn’t wait?”
“He used to read me bedtime stories. I miss that.” Juvante made a show of fake sobbing and wiping away tears.
I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Seriously.”
Juvante sat on the porch steps. “He has some business, alright?”
“Whatever.” I sat next to him, trying to find the courage to ask the question I hoped had a good answer. After a few minutes of silence, I asked, “Is he with another girl?”
“Another...no, no. Nothing like that.” He smirked. “So that’s your issue? You and my boy, huh? I knew he was hitting that.”
Irritated, I said, “We’re nothing more than friends and I’m not even sure we’re that now.”
He slid away from me. Looking up at the stars, he said, “If there’s any lightning, I don’t want to sit anywhere near your lying ass.”
Twisting my fingers together, I said, “Ryan’s not interested.”
“Is that right?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t know why I’m talking to you.”
“Because you secretly want me?”
“You know it. How are things with Alexa?”
He lifted his shoulders. “She got mad when she found out I was joining the Marines instead of sticking around to play house with her. She dumped me.”
“I’m sorry. You want to talk about it?”
“Nah. I beat somebody up and felt better.”
I laughed. “You’re crazy.” He put his arm across my shoulders and grinned at me but his smile faded when I said, “Now tell me why you’re really here.”
*
RYAN
I had to make a stop before I went to the hospital. It was probably a stupid idea and I sure as hell wasn’t a religious guy, but I’d try any avenue to fix what had happened. As I pulled into the driveway of Mama Leena’s house, I shut off the engine and let the Charger coast to a stop. Then I tried to be as quiet as I could getting into the house.
Roman was asleep on the couch, his mouth open, his snores filling the room. Destiny was at the kitchen table flipping through a magazine and drinking a Coke. She shut the magazine when I walked in. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself.” I went into my bedroom and she followed. I didn’t want her to know my real mission tonight, didn’t want anyone to know, so I grabbed a duffel bag and started throwing some clothes into it.