“Could you stop the pissing contest for one second and think? If he doesn’t feel like he accomplished running away, he’ll try again and next time he might succeed. Without someone to watch over him.”
Mark reached the side of the Charger and opened the passenger door. He put his bag in, then followed it, fastening his seatbelt and staring through the windshield.
I nodded and leaned in. “I love you, Creature.”
Mark jutted out his chin and wouldn’t answer.
Ryan rolled the window up and backed from the driveway. I watched as the two guys I loved most in the world drove away.
*
RYAN
“Why didn’t you answer Tana when she said she loved you?”
Mark gave me a sideways glance. “Because I’m mad at her.”
“A man never misses a chance to tell his family he loves them even if he’s mad at them.”
“Oh. Is that in the health book, too?”
“What?” I shook my head, wondering what the hell he was talking about. “Why are you mad at her?”
“Because she kicked you out.”
“That’s not Tana’s fault. I had to leave. We needed to make room for your Mom to come back.”
“You could stay until she came home.”
“Tell you what. Why don’t we go see your mom right now and you can talk to her about all this.”
“Cool.” Mark bounced in the seat.
When we arrived at the hospital, Mama Leena was standing beside the hospital bed. Tana’s mom was awake and talking but still tired and a little groggy. The second she saw me, Mama Leena motioned me from the room.
“Stay in the room with your mom,” I told Mark.
Mama Leena led the way to the waiting room. She searched my face. “Abraham called. He told me what’s going on in your life.”
“Yeah.”
“I love you, Ryan. I love you as much as if I’d given birth to you and you will always be my son. Don’t do what you’re about to do. Please. For me.”
“It’s already done.”
She put a pleading hand on my arm. “You know my rules. You can’t stay in my house and be part of that world. It’s dangerous for you. I will not watch you self-destruct.”
“I already know that.”
Tears welled up in her eyes as she searched my face. “Where are you going to stay?”
Like Abraham had said, I knew what I had to do. Push the people that I cared about away from me to keep them safe. I put a sneer on my lips. “Hell, if you’re kicking me out, what the fuck does it matter where I stay? I’ll get Juvante to pack up my stuff.”
I expected her to stiffen up and get mad but instead, she asked softly, “Why’d you give Ms. Shaw your mother’s necklace?”
“It doesn’t mean anything to me.”
Mama Leena’s eyes saw past the smokescreen. “I don’t believe you.”
I shrugged. “You’re good at believing in lost causes so that doesn’t surprise me.”
“Does she know you were the one who gave it to her?”
“No.”
The tears slipped down her face. “Okay, Ryan. If you change your mind about the direction that you’re heading in, come home.”
I forced a laugh, hating myself for what I had to do “I’ve never had a fucking home. I’m not your son and you sure as hell aren’t my mother.”
Her face paled and her lips trembled before she tightened them. “Okay, Ryan.”
I had to work to keep from hitting my knees at the ripped apart expression on her face. I had to fight to keep from telling her that I was sorry and hadn’t meant what I’d said.
“Goodbye, son.”
She left me standing in the waiting room. One down. I blinked a few times and then went back to Mark. Pulling a few dollars from my wallet, I handed them to him and told him to get a drink and a snack. He took the money and ran off toward the vending machines.
“Ryan,” Ms. Shaw smiled weakly at me. “Mark told me you’ve been helping.”
I pulled the chair up close to her bed. “I have to tell you something before he returns. Tana spent her college money to pay the hospital. I’m getting it back for her but she won’t take it from me so I’m going to pay it directly to the college for her tuition. That’ll cover her first year. If you’re well enough by then, I need you to make sure she goes in September like she planned. I’ll make sure there’s enough to pay her second year, too.”
“Oh, Ryan.”
She was looking at me like I was a savior. “It was my fault you were shot. Someone from my past was sending a message to me. Don’t worry. I’m going to stay away from all of you and I’ll make sure it never happens again.”
Mark came back into the room with a soda and a pack of candy before Ms. Shaw could respond to that. He offered me some and when I shook my head, he said, “Mom says I’m not allowed to run away until I’m an adult.”
“I’m afraid that’s true,” I said.
“That sucks.”
“Your mom needs to rest, so tell her goodnight and I’ll take you home.”
Mark climbed up on the bed and kissed his mom on the cheek, then scrambled down.
Ms. Shaw looked at me a little less friendly now but I’d expected that. “Thank you, Ryan.”
“See ya.”
Mark’s step was lighter as he walked along beside me. “Mom said when she comes home we’ll make a tent in the living room and camp out.”
“That’ll be fun,” I said.
“Can you come too?”
“My life is going to be crazy, so probably not. But tell you what, you can call me or text me any time you want to.”
“Yeah. Cause we’re buddies,” Mark said as he hopped back into the Charger.
He chatted all the way back to his house about all the fun things he was going to do once his mom came home and how he was going to keep his room clean before she even asked.
I pulled into the driveway and Mark wrested his bag up. “Are you coming in?”
“No, I need to go.”
Tana was waiting on the porch. She hurried to the Charger and opened the passenger door.
“Mom says I can’t run away until I’m adult,” Mark announced. He rooted through his pack and offered me a Spiderman figurine. “It’s my favorite.”
“It’s nice.” I tried to hand it back to him, but he wouldn’t take it.
“You can play with it,” he said.
Tana ruffled his hair. “Go inside and eat. Brooklyn fixed hamburgers.”
She slid into the spot on the front seat that Mark had vacated before I could stop her. “I’ve gone over and over it in my head what happened with my Mom. I’m really upset that you didn’t tell me but—”
“Tana?”
“What?”
Needing to make her hate me, I said, “I’m done with this fucking soap opera. Get out of my car.”
Her mouth dropped open.
“Everything is too hard with you. I like my girls easy and drama free.”
“But...the other night...was so nice...and in the laundry room you said that when I was at college you wanted me to remember that you wished things could be different when I thought of you.”
“I was probably tired and it was hard to think straight with you in your bra and panties. Guys will say anything when they’ve got a boner.”
“But...”
It was taking every bit of strength I had to push her away, to hurt her the way that I was doing. But if I didn’t, if I stuck around and she ended caught in a web Chanos spun, if she got hurt or worse, I couldn’t take it. I had to get her out of my life. I loved her and I wanted to protect her, but I would do that from a distance. When she called my name in a pleading whisper, I said, “Jesus, Tana. Do I have to spell it out for you? There’s someone else.”
“I don’t believe you. I thought...”
“You thought because we screwed a few times that we had a relationship. And let me guess. You’re in love with me even after I told you not to let that happen.” I rubbed my hand on the steering wheel.
“I am in love with you.”