With Zane’s help, Ryan stood. His eyes were flat and hard. “How many ways do I have to show you? What are the right words that I need to say to you so that you’ll believe me? I don’t love you, Tana. And this,” He tapped his Southtown Brothers tattoo, “is who I am. It’s where my loyalty lies. So take Brooklyn and leave. You’re in the way.”
“Ryan, please. I’m about to leave for college. I won’t see you again. I don’t want to part like this. I deserve closure.”
“You want closure? Fine. Leave for college and don’t look back because if you’re looking back for me, you’re wasting your time. Trust me when I say there’s nothing here for you.”
“I don’t believe you. I think that you love me but for some reason you won’t say it.” I put my hand on the width of his chest. I didn’t care that Brooklyn and Zane were witnesses. “We’re good together.”
“You are just a fuck. Now go.”
Humiliation burned on my face. He wasn’t pretending. Wasn’t playing. Ryan really didn’t love me. I’d thought...I pulled myself together, gathering my pride and my heartache. “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone I knew. Goodbye, Ryan.”
I made it to Brooklyn’s car and fastened the seatbelt before the sobs tore through me. I doubled over, holding my stomach. How would I survive having loved and lost Ryan? I knew that I would go on, that eventually I’d think about him without feeling as if I was being crushed from the inside out but right now, at this moment all I could do was hurt.
I went with Brooklyn to her house because I didn’t want my mom to see me upset. Though she was doing well, she was still drained and I didn’t want to add to her burden by worrying about me.
At Brooklyn’s house, she took a couple of bottles of beer from the kitchen, then we went into her room and locked the door. She popped the cap. “Fuck boys. Who needs them?”
I took a long drink. “You’re right. Who needs them?” I cried harder, then shook my head. “I hurt so much.”
She got up from the desk chair and sat cross-legged on the bed beside me. “I know that it doesn’t feel okay right now, but it will. You might not be okay today or tomorrow, or even for a while to come. But you will get over him.”
“I don’t know.” I plucked at the blanket covering her bed. “Ryan’s my first love.”
“The hurt won’t last forever.” She drained her beer and stuck the bottle beneath her bed where it fell over and rolled and clinked against glass.
I leaned over the edge of her bed at the noise. There were dozens of beer bottles under there and a few vodka ones. I gave her a questioning look.
“Sometimes I can’t sleep.” She stretched out on the bed. “But I don’t want to talk about me. This is about you. You’ll go off to college and you’ll immerse yourself in classes and studying. After a while, Ryan will be a memory that doesn’t sting anymore.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ve been there. Hang on.” She sat up, left the room and returned with another beer. When she sat back down, she said, “When I was fifteen, I met my Ryan. First guy I ever loved, first guy I ever had sex with.”
“What happened to him?”
“He became a memory. I think about him from time to time but it doesn’t make my heart ache the way that it used to.” She held her beer next to mine. “So bottoms up.”
I knocked the bottle against hers. “You’re right.” I heard myself say it but my heart wasn’t buying it.
“You can call me any time when you’re still in the not yet before the memory quits hurting, okay?”
I reached out and hugged her. “I wish you were going to college with me.”
“I know, but the timing isn’t right.” She took another sip and tilted her head, her earrings flashing. “And you know what a believer I am in timing.”
“I know.” I laughed even though I really didn’t feel like it. “Do me a favor after I’m gone?”
“Anything.”
“I don’t want to hear a thing about Ryan. Good news, bad news. Nothing. Don’t pass any messages to me. I’ll get my number changed and I’ll tell Mom not to give it to him. The only way that I can move on is to not hear about him, not talk to him. Because if I hear the sound of his voice, it’ll be my undoing.”
“You won’t get anything out of me about him. It’ll be like he never existed,” Brooklyn agreed.
That wasn’t true. I would always know that Ryan existed. I carried the memory of his touch, the image of his face and he had my heart. I would always be a part of him and he would always be a part of me. But hopefully Brooklyn was right. Maybe one day it wouldn’t hurt so much.
*
RYAN
“Brooklyn’s right. We could die today. So if you want to drop me off and go, I understand,” I said as Zane drove toward the pool hall where Chanos hung out and where we suspected everyone was headed.
Zane’s jaw clenched but he ignored what I’d said and eased the car to a stop at a red light. “You were pretty harsh with Tana. I know why you're pushing her away, but you were an asshole.”
“Yeah. I was. I did what had to be done. I need her to be safe and that’s only going to happen if she stays away from me.”
“It’d be hard to walk away from a girl like that.”
“I don’t know that I walked away as much as I crawled.” I swallowed. “I feel like someone ripped my nuts out through my heart.”
“That’s what loving a girl does to you, man.” Zane swung the car into the parking lot of the pool hall. I didn’t see Juvante’s car anywhere. Zane let the car move forward until we circled around back out of view of the road. “Try not to hurt anyone by passing out on them, will you?”
“I can handle this,” I said.
“With one good eye right now, you can only see half a person coming at you.”
“Then I’ll hit that half.” I sucked in a breath as I pushed the car door open and got out. I had to put a hand on the roof of his car to steady myself, hating how weak I felt.
We walked in through the back door and gave it a few minutes for our eyes to adjust to the dimmer light. The air conditioning blasted us and was a welcome relief after the heat. Chanos laughed in the corner of the room and the sound grated on me, growing louder as Zane and I advanced toward the pool tables.
The light flooded the room again as the door opened and Ryker, Cooper and Juvante joined us. “Got Roman and Clarke outside on the lookout,” Juvante said.
We moved forward together and the laughter died down. Chanos straightened from the table where he’d been about to take a shot. He gripped the pool stick and his gaze went instantly wary, then darkened when he saw Cooper. There was plenty of bad blood between him and my brother. He swung his dark gaze my way. “Who told you it was okay for dogs to come into my house?”
“Your girlfriend told me I could come anywhere I wanted,” Cooper taunted.
Chanos curled his lip and let loose a string of venomous words in his language.
The muscle around the pool table shifted, edging toward us.
I tensed, ready to fight even though every cell in my body was calling out for me to sink to my knees and fade into oblivion.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Chanos demanded, with another cold stare my way. “Have you been away so long you’ve forgotten that you don’t bring others in unless I tell you it’s okay?”
I stared at Chanos, knowing what I had to do. “One of us is leaving in a body bag.”
He tossed aside the pool stick and it landed against the balls, scattering them across the table. “Say goodbye to your brothers, then.”
The back door flung open and Clarke rushed in, his arm extended. The gun I’d buried waved nervously in the air. His eyes were wide and reddened and it was easy to tell he was hopped up on something.
“I didn’t know he had it. I tried to stop him.” Roman reached for Clarke but Clarke stepped to the side and waved the gun around.