“Shut up!”
His fist shoots out fast, right through my chin, and my body collapses back down into the pit of the trunk.
“You’d be just the same as everybody else if I knew you in different circumstances. Do you think YOU wouldn’t look down your nose at me? Don’t try and play games, talk about how you could help me. If I weren’t going to kill you, you’d never talk to me at all… …look, I’m sorry I hit you, I lose my temper sometimes, let me help you back up.”
“No! No, this is better. It really hurts my legs to sit up like that, just let me lie back here like this.”
“Suit yourself.”
“Look, Pat, I know it’s none of my business … but this is your life you’re talking about here. You only get one life, and if it’s a bad one, and you know it’s not what you want, how can you just let it keep going like that and do nothing to change it? Don’t you see that you’re wasting your life? Because one day, it’s gonna’ be all over, and that’s it. That will have been it.”
I’ve always been a smooth talker; it’s gotten me out of trouble many times. And into trouble just as many. I’m sharp, and this guy is dumb, and that’s my chance.
“Yeah, well…” he says.
“Look at me! I’m in a position where I know a little of what I’m talking about here. I mean, I’m a dead man, that’s what you said. I know what it feels like to know what the rest of your life looks like. And you can see the whole rest of your life as easily as I can. Only yours isn’t limited in time like mine. Yours is limited because you won’t let yourself out of this trap, and you can see yourself in it forever. But if this isn’t the life you want, and you know that as much as you know anything, you have to just leave it! Now! No option is worse than continuing with what you already know is a failure. Just leave Toronto. Never go home. What have you got to go home to, Pat? Just go, and start a new life.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. This IS my life… I’ve lived here all my life, every… everyone I know is here, all my –”
“For God’s sake, Pat, what kind of life is it? You feel sorry for yourself every day. You tell yourself this stupid idea that you took one wrong turn, and that’s it, you’re on the dirty side now and it can’t be helped. Well I’ve got news for you, you can retake your life anytime you want. There’s a right turn waiting for you to take it every single day. You said before that it was just your situation; I’d be just as dirty if I was in your place. But you can change your place, change who you are, and then this won’t be you. You can prove it’s not you. It’s always scary to change, but it’s so important. You can take that right turn like pulling off a band-aid, you just do it – don’t be afraid, don’t think about it, just have the balls and do it. Change everything, just like that.”
“Look, do you think I’m gonna do something just because you say I don’t have the balls to do it?”
“You don’t have the balls! You’re a pussy! You can leave anytime you want and you know it. It’s just easier to feel sorry for yourself, to blame all your problems and your loneliness on this idea that you got dirty. Because then you don’t have to make any effort, you can ride out your life being miserable without trying. Imagine how hard life would be if you were clean. To talk to people as equals, clean people, and enjoy life as much as they do. That’s what you’re afraid of. You’re afraid of still being lonely and miserable and people not liking you and not having any excuse for it.”
He steps away from the car and I can hear him shuffle his feet in the dirt as he leaves my field of vision. All I can see is the sky, and the sun, which is setting further by the minute, and the treetops, which lean over into the circle of my vision.
“Where could I go?”
Oh my God. He’s listening.
“I don’t know, Pat. There’s a whole world out there that you’ve never explored. Once you make that decision to leave this miserable life behind, you can have just about any new life you want. You can shape it, choose ANY-thing. You could go east, and become a lumberer or fisherman. You could go west and become a, umm, become a… a ski instructor,” why the hell did I say that? Ski instructor? Jesus. “If you earned some money, you could – you could go to Cuba and live there. Do you know how far a dollar goes in Cuba, Pat? There’s no reason that life can’t be yours. Who could stop it from happening if you just left right now? What would you do, if you could start your life now with a blank slate?”
“Yeah... …Yeah… …Yeah, you’re right! I could just go. I could just… take another turn today and start everything fresh.”
His voice is different somehow. It really sounds like another person.
“Leave everything,” I say, “Just go.”
He keeps talking like he doesn’t hear me.
“I can leave everything. I’m strong, I’m smart, I can survive anywhere I go. And if I just go and survive, none of this will matter – it was just the way it was here. Eventually, I’ll be so far from all this that it won’t even be real anymore. It won’t even be me anymore. I could make a completely new start and really be clean.”
“That’s right… that’s right, Pat.”
He’s quiet for a moment, standing off on the side out of view.
“I’m gonna' do it.”
Oh God, why am I getting even more terrified now? Why is it scarier when you have a chance?
“I’m gonna' do it... But I can’t just leave you, buddy.”
I stop suddenly. I forget to even breathe until my chest starts to burn. I don’t say anything, he doesn’t say anything for a moment, and I still can’t see him.
“Pat, please, just… just leave me here, you know? Throw me out of the trunk, and just take the car and go. Do it now.”
“I’m not taking the car. I’m not taking anything. The car is too dangerous. Who knows who’ll be looking for it? And I don’t want it. I want to do this right; I don’t need it, not anymore. I’m starting everything over. And you’re too dangerous too.”
“Oh God, please Pat, I don’t even know where you’re going. I don’t even know who brought me to you.”
“Yeah, but somebody out there does, and if you’re back, they’ll come after me. You might go to the police, too. No, there’s way too many ways you can fuck me. There’s a million reasons I can’t let you go, and there’s only one reason against that. Because you changed my life. But I was gonna' kill you before, so why should any of this change it? You were dead when I found you. And even if there weren’t a million ways you could be dangerous to me alive, this was the job I took, and I’ve got to finish it. I can finally finish this job. I’ve got to walk away clean.”
I see him then above me and he looks down at me. His face is actually calm, placid.
“Goodbye.”
The trunk slams shut above me.
“Oh God, Pat! Pat, don’t do this to me!”
I hear his feet shuffle and twigs snap around his body. Then I feel a clunk. The car starts moving, but no engine.
No, Pat. No, Pat. Please, don’t do this. I can feel the car rolling down the hill. Pat, I can feel the car lurch with each of your clumsy footsteps.
Oh God, the car is in the water now. I can hear the bubbling all around me, I’m falling to the back of the trunk, it’s sinking lower. Let me out! Oh God, don’t let me watch my life drip away so slowly, with nothing but my own screams, I can’t take it! Please, the water is coming in now. Let me out! LET ME OUT!
The End
Look for other stories in this series at my author’s page on Amazon .