Hmmmm, I said. What time is it, anyway? I asked Thebes. She’d been talking to the Ferris wheel operator about prime numbers.
Eleven twelve, she said. Shit. Hey, I said to the operator, you’ll be here for a while, right? It’s okay if she hangs out a little bit longer?
Totally, said the guy. I’m bored anyway.
I told Thebes I’d be back really soon, again, and that if Logan showed up, to stay there with him. I really didn’t want to do all the high-five stuff with her again.
I went to the parking lot and found him in the van with a girl. They were making out on one of the back seats and didn’t see me. I moved a few yards away and gently threw some bits of gravel at the side window. Logan popped his head up and then disappeared again. I waited for them to figure out what they’d do next. I looked at the sky, at the moon, at the position of the moon in the sky, at the formation of clouds surrounding the moon, back at the ground and up again.
Hey, I said, as they crawled out of the van.
Logan didn’t say anything, but the girl said hi, um, hi, sorry.
No, no, I said. I shrugged. We smiled.
They were both wearing black hoodies. Logan kind of pawed at the girl’s sleeve and gently pulled her over to a dark corner of the parking lot and said something to her and she had her hands in his front pockets and then he gave her a kiss and she walked away and he turned around and looked at me and then at the girl walking away and then for a second back at me, and then back at the girl again. I leaned against the van and lit a cigarette and told him Thebes was waiting all by herself with a guy at the Ferris wheel. He slowly walked over to me and I asked him if he wanted a cigarette.
I don’t smoke, he said.
I was kidding, I said.
Can we not talk? he said.
Yep, deal, I said. Do you want to stay here while I go get Thebes?
He said yeah.
I noticed that he had silver and gold glitter on his face and in his hair. Were you guys doing crafts in there? I asked.
He looked away, towards Saturn, or farther up, maybe towards some satellite that only he could see. I liked the silver and gold specks. They softened him up. He looked like a sweet, kind of gay, raver alien waiting for his crew to take him back to space, to some benevolent planet that partied hard but happily. I left him to pine and sparkle in the moonlight.
Thebes and the Ferris wheel operator were sitting cross-legged on the grass, talking. When she saw me coming she jumped up and said, What? No Logan? What fresh hell is this? She told me that was Dorothy Parker, yo, props to her.
Yeah, I know, I said. It was Min’s favourite combination of words. She said it all the time. I imagined she was still saying it.
I found him, I said, let’s go, he’s in the van.
What was he doing in the van? said Thebes.
Making out with a girl, I said.
We found a cheap motel and unloaded our paltry crap into the room. There was no pool, no free breakfast and no phones. Well, what do you have? I asked.
Beds, said the guy.
Who would just sit there and let someone suck on your throat for four hours or whatever it takes to create an entire hickey necklace? Thebes asked Logan. He was ignoring her, watching TV, and she was sitting next to his head and peering at his neck. That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my life, said Thebes. Would you have let Gandhi do that to your neck, Hattie? she asked.
I shook my head and held my finger to my lips. I was studying the map on the other bed, trying to figure out how to get to Twentynine Palms.
You’re lucky she didn’t give you an aneurism, said Thebes. She could have sucked your jugular vein right out of you through your skin and you would have bled to death all over my art supplies.
Logan turned the volume up on the TV.
Thebes, I said, just leave him alone, okay? Why don’t you see if you can find me some beer in the lobby or something. Or go get some ice. Get both.
Like, technically, said Thebes, that could be considered an assault. Look at these bruises! She moved her fingers gently over Logan’s throat. You were attacked by a girl. Are you traumatized? She started humming “No Woman No Cry.” She stopped humming. You were violated in there, she said, and now you’re all calm watching TV and—
Logan whipped the pillow out from under his head and hit Thebes hard in the face. She screamed and fell off the bed. Logan got up and left the room and Thebes ran to the door and put the chain on and then went into the bathroom and locked that door too, until I finally talked her out and calmed her down and tried to explain some stuff about Logan to her.
She asked me if I thought he was depressed. I said no. He needs to know he’s loved and safe and that he’ll be able to eat when he’s hungry and shoot hoops when he has to bust out and be attractive to girls and have friends to hang out with sometimes. Other than that, I said, there’s not much to do but wait it out. He’s fifteen. I compared Logan to a guy coming home to his apartment (our van/hotel room) to roommates he’s ambivalent about (us) and just wanting to chill out and not be quizzed about anything. I said if he could replace us with a giant-screen TV right now he probably would.
Do you think he thinks a lot about Cherkis? she asked.
He might, I said. He might a lot, or maybe hardly at all. We can’t really know. Maybe in five years he’ll talk about it all to a girlfriend or his buddies or a therapist or a stranger in a bar, who knows. Maybe he’ll blame Min, maybe Cherkis, maybe himself, maybe me. Maybe nobody. Maybe everybody. Maybe it’ll be this thing he carries like a fucking cross all through his life, his eternal destiny, or maybe it won’t really be a big deal at all.
You should have a talk with him, said Thebes.
I don’t know what to say, I said.
Well, she said, you could just start out with talking about how you felt when you were fifteen.
There was a soft knock. Thebes catapulted over to the door and flung it open and threw her arms around her brother. He stood there for a minute and let her hug him, and then he patted her back a couple of times and looked at me for help. He still had a few sparkles on his face, under his eye and on his nose. For one second he looked just like Min when she was younger. Maybe it was the glitter. Maybe it was that expression on his face that said, rescue me. I remembered Min coming home from a party, wasted and pale and skinny but really alive-looking, glowing, at the same time. It was her Bowie period. I said something like oh, it’s the thin white dude, and she’d said duke, Hattie, duke. Okay? Try to remember. She’d sounded so tired but she’d been sweet about it, patient, and had stayed up for a few minutes telling me about her party, about all the crazy things that had happened and how life was such a gas, a mustard gas.
So Thebes agreed to watch TV with the volume up high while Logan and I talked privately in the bathroom. She was watching the movie Run Lola Run and had decided to run with Lola, on the spot, in the gap between the beds, and see if she could keep up with her. Logan sat on the counter in the bathroom and played with the taps while I sat on the edge of the tub. I remembered Thebes’s advice.
I felt pretty fucked up when I was fifteen, I said. I had a lot of secrets, you know, not secrets but things I couldn’t tell anyone.
Yeah? said Logan.
And if you need to talk to someone, I’m here, you know, I’ll listen to you, I said.