Yeah, he said.
I love you, I said, and Thebes loves you, and so does Min. Like crazy. You know that, right? I thought about saying something like we’ve got to stick together, through good times and bad, blood is thicker than water, something, anything to convince him that he wasn’t alone in the world, but I knew he wouldn’t buy it.
Yeah, he said.
I said we all acted like jerks sometimes when we were overwhelmed. Logan said he wasn’t overwhelmed. I said, Okay, good, but we can see each other through stuff like that. Or even if we can’t, it’s just nice to know we want to, right?
Yeah, he said.
I told him he didn’t have to put on an act for anybody, though, he didn’t have to pretend he was in a great mood. Just that it might be good to talk about stuff sometimes.
Mmm-hmm, said Logan.
Hey, you know, I said, when I was fifteen I’d stay in my room for hours and hours at a time playing “A Whiter Shade of Pale” on my guitar and feeling completely misunderstood and unloved and stupid and ugly and fucked up and lonely. So phenomenally lonely. You know? I felt like the Little Prince. Totally, abjectly, alone on the planet. I mean, seriously, other people? Talking to them was like talking to a vapour or something. You know? I mean, there was no connection. There was…like, I was Robinson Freaking Crusoe. The Little Prince was totally alone on some planet, wasn’t he?
You played what? asked Logan.
“A Whiter Shade of Pale,” I said.
I think he had a flower, said Logan.
We were quiet for a while. Logan turned the taps on and off a few times. I checked out the ugly design on the shower curtain. Together we took big breaths.
And you know, I said, I’m probably the very last person in the world with the authority to talk about this stuff, but like, with girls and drugs and stuff like that? You’ll be careful, right? Like, you’ll be smart about that stuff, right?
Logan examined the ceiling tiles.
I mean, I know, you know, you’re fifteen and it’s sometimes, I don’t mean to sound patronizing, but it’s, at fifteen, a boy is, well girls too, I mean, you know, everyone…but they’re…they are soo…what the hell was I doing?…horny. Right? You don’t have to answer that. And it’s hard, like impossible really, to think before, you know, jumping into something that seems really great at the time…in that particular moment…um.
Please, dear God, make Thebes have something bizarre and urgent that she’s got to get off her chest right now. Bring her to this bathroom door, make her bang on it. Now, God, now!
Yeah, said Logan.
Can I ask you a question? I said.
Yeah.
How do you feel about this whole, you know, odyssey?
Odyssey?
Like, this trip we’re on. What are you thinking?
Um, I don’t know, he said. Fine?
Okay, but are you just saying that because you think that’s what I want to hear?
Uh, sort of…I guess…I don’t know.
So you’re sort of feeling fine and sort of feeling something other than fine?
Maybe.
And what is the thing other than fine that you’re feeling?
I don’t know.
Well, is it scared? Or nervous?
I don’t know.
Okay, but like right now if I had a gun to your head and you had to blurt out one thing you were feeling, like in order to save your life, or, say, Min’s life, what would that one thing be, that one word? Okay, super, so now I’m creating an imaginary scenario in which I hypothetically threaten his life and the life of his mother unless he speaks. Real cool. Real Barbara Coloroso.
Can it be two words? he said.
Yes! I said. It can be as many words as you want. Let’s talk all night!
Okay, um, let’s see, he said. Four words.
And they are…
Really, really, really angry, he said.
I tried to get more out of him, but he shook his head and said he was also really, really, really tired. He looked like he was going to cry. I said okay, I understood. I did. It all made sense. It was normal. It was. I started to leave, and then he said, But who would just do that?
Do what? I said.
Like, just leave. You know? Like, just disappear.
You mean Cherkis? I said.
Logan pulled his hoodie over his face.
I don’t know, I said. I really…you know…I just don’t know. If we find him you can ask him, right? Maybe he thought it was the best thing…I don’t know. Human beings…
Logan laughed for a second and sighed, then laughed again, just a gasp of air.
I know, I said. I’m an idiot. I don’t know why I said “human beings.” Lame. I’m just trying to—
Yeah, said Logan. No.
What, no? I said.
You’re not an idiot, he said.
Well, actually, yeah, I really am, I said. Certified.
Whenever the clock says it’s 11:11, said Logan, I automatically, without thinking, wish that Mom is happy.
Oh yeah. That 11:11 thing, I said, when stars crash into each other.
And then I always worry that I’m wasting another wish, he said.
Well, but, I said, it isn’t like—
Sometimes I comfort myself, he said.
Really? You do?
Yeah, he said.
How? I said.
Sometimes I comfort myself by saying that every day, for as long as I live, will be either a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday.
I smiled. Whatever gets you through the night, I said.
He smiled back.
See? I said. Isn’t this nice? This talking thing?
Yeah, he said. My tremendous people skills…Hey, why didn’t you tell me I have two huge zits on my right cheek? He stared at his reflection.
What do you mean? I asked. You do have people skills…
Yeah, whatever, he said, and then started making faces in the mirror and riffing about his skills. If it weren’t for these skills, he said, I don’t know where I’d be. Sometimes my skills are so good they just intimidate people into not talking to me. And then I get nervous about using my terrific skills in front of people, so I mainly just act like I’m from a different culture.
Hey, I said, you know, sorry, but those two zits are only half the story.
What? he said. He got up really close to the mirror and peered at his face. Fuck, man! he said. Can you give me a minute alone in here?
No, you should leave them alone, I said. Scars.
He sat down on the toilet and crossed his legs and his arms and looked at me. Like if there was something about scars I could tell him that he didn’t already know I could just go ahead and give it my best shot.
I didn’t know what else to say. I had wanted Logan to understand that Cherkis hadn’t decided one morning on a whim to leave his family, to blithely take off for something better and more exciting and leave his kids confused and angry and sad, but that in fact Min had forced him to leave. But I also didn’t want Logan to be angry with Min for making Cherkis go away. Cherkis had tried hard to ride the tsunami waves of Min’s moods and he’d managed for quite a long time, way longer than my parents and I had ever hoped for. Min resented his care, in the same way that she hated mine and anybody else’s. But what were the people who loved her supposed to do? Tell her to go right ahead and starve herself, no big whoop, whatever, we don’t care if you disintegrate right before our eyes. Yeah, polish off that giant bottle of sleeping pills all at once, do it, we can use the container for something else. How do you love someone who wants to be left alone to die? How do you stay? How do you walk away? My old Paris apartment is filled with psychology textbooks but I still haven’t found the answer. There were two things I wanted and they were entirely incompatible. I wanted Min never to lose her children, to always have them nearby. And also, I wanted to tell Logan to set himself free, to live his life, not to worry about Min, he couldn’t fix her, and he shouldn’t feel guilty. But I didn’t say any of that.