A spoon ricocheted off the back of Jack’s head and hit a plant pot on the windowsill.
“Was that you, monster?”
Stevie opened his eyes wide and shrieked with laughter.
Madeleine smiled, untangled herself from the embrace and stacked the tea things.
“So aside from losing a prime case that is clearly yours, being knocked from the top job at the division and the prospect of having to convince a complete stranger that you’re not a drooling lunatic, how else was your day?”
“Peachy. I bought an Allegro Sports Equipe. Do you want to see it?”
“Maybe later.” She handed him a stack of plates to put in the dishwasher. “Would you have a word with Jerome? I heard his pet sniggering to itself again this morning.”
Jerome was eight, and he wanted to be a vet. To get into practice, he had taken to bringing strays home with him. First it was fleas with kittens attached, then puppies with fleas attached, then fleas with fleas attached. All of this could be vaguely tolerated, until he brought something home that deftly escaped into the void within the interior walls, and no one had seen it since.
Jack walked into the living room and bent down to listen at the baseboard. There was a sound a bit like someone blowing a raspberry, and he frowned, got up and walked into the hall. He opened the door to the closet under the stairs and heard a faint rustling. He quietly turned on the light and peered into the musty gloom.
“He doesn’t mean any harm,” said a voice behind him. It was Jerome, his face a picture of angelic innocence.
“You know your mother wants it out, my lad.”
“I asked him to go into the garden shed, but he said his rheumatism was troubling him again.”
“It can speak English?”
“And Italian, but his German is a bit rusty.”
Jack looked around the small closet and chanced upon a little pile of glittery objects.
“What are my spare keys doing in here?” he asked, sorting through the heap of shiny items. He also found a pair of cuff links that had been missing for a couple of days, a brooch, a couple of coins and the Waterman pen that he’d thought he’d lost at work.
Jerome winced. “He likes to collect shiny things. I try to get them back before you notice. He must have been around the house last night.”
Jack started to rummage some more. There was a rustle, and something small and misshapen popped its head out of a cardboard box, stared at Jack for a moment and then vanished through a hole that had been gnawed in the plasterboard. Jack backed out of the cupboard as fast as he could.
“Did you see it?” asked Jerome after Jack had not spoken for some moments.
“Ye-e-es,” said Jack slowly, unsure of what he had seen but not liking it one bit. The creature was an ugly little monkeylike brute with hair that looked like that of a black pig with psoriasis. What was worse was that it had a chillingly humanoid face, and it had given Jack an impish grin and a wink before vanishing.
“Jerome?”
“Yes, Jack?”
“What was that?”
“His name’s Caliban, and he’s my friend.”
“Well, you can tell him from me he’s got to live somewhere else.”
“But—”
“No buts. He’s got to go.”
Jack left Jerome in the closet and rejoined Madeleine.
“The brooch you thought you’d lost,” he said, placing the jewelry on the table.
“Where was it?”
“Jerome’s pet is something of a magpie. Have you seen it?”
“No.”
“It’s a bit… odd. If anything else goes missing, you’ll probably find it in the closet under the stairs.” He thought for a moment. “Do we have to go out tonight? I’m a bit pooped.”
“I’d like you to accompany me,” she replied with a smile, “but I can go on my own and flirt outrageously and in a totally undignified manner with young single men of a morally casual demeanor.”
“You know, I don’t feel quite so pooped anymore.”
“Good. We should be out the door by seven-thirty.”
9. The Déjà Vu
Most unreadable modern author: Of all the pseudointellectual rubbish that hits the literary world every year, few authors can hope to compete in terms of quasi-highbrow unreadability than the accepted master in the field, Otis ChufftY. With unread copies of his books gracing every bookshelf in the fashionable areas of London, ChufftY’s prodigious output in terms of pointless, long-winded claptrap has few equals and brings forth gasps of admiration from his competitors. Even after several million in book sales and frequent appearances on late-night artsy-fartsy chat shows, ChufftY’s work remains as fashionably unreadable as ever. “It’s the bipolarity of human sufferance,” Mr. ChufftY explained when asked the secret of his success, “and the forbearance of wisdom in the light of the ultimate ignorance of nothing.”
—The Bumper Book of Berkshire Records, 2004 edition
“Remind me what we’re doing here,” asked Jack. “You’re a photographer, not an author.”
“The Armitage Shanks Literary Awards are sponsored by both the Quangle-Wangle and my publishers, the Crumpetty Tree Press,” she replied as they lined up outside the Déjà Vu Hotel with an assortment of other guests, “and I’m married to DCI Jack Spratt, who quite apart from being tall and ruggedly handsome also happens to be the officer who cracked the Humpty case.”
They shuffled forward a few steps. “I get it,” said Jack, sliding his hand around her waist, “I’m your trophy husband and you’re showing me off.”
“In one,” replied Madeleine, pushing his hand lower so it met the smooth curve of her bottom, “and Crumpetty Tree looks on me favorably when I drag you along, as it makes the event seem vaguely important and not a collection of pseudointellectual farts patting one another on the back.”
“I always suspected that. Are you going to raffle me at the end of the evening?”
She laughed. “Only if I can buy all the tickets. Now, listen: Try not to be rude to the writers this year.”
“As if I would!”
The previous year’s event had not been without incident. Jack didn’t much care for what he called “the Modern Novel” and had told the previous year’s winner precisely that. It hadn’t gone down very well.
The Déjà Vu Hotel was a popular venue in Reading for awards ceremonies. It was big enough to service a good-size crowd, had excellent catering facilities and coupled a congenial atmosphere with a fine opportunity for a few daft jokes.
“Have you ever been to the Déjà Vu before?” asked Madeleine as they entered the main doors.
Jack looked around the entrance lobby. “I don’t think so,” he answered, “but it does look sort of familiar.”
They joined the line at the entrance to the ballroom. A liveried footman was reading the invitations and announcing the guests in a loud voice.