—The Bumper Book of Berkshire Records, 2004 edition
Jack and Mary drove into the car park at SommeWorld a half hour later and parked in front of the theme park’s buildings. Most of the visitors’ center was finished, but the roof had yet to go on to the auditorium, and the canteen hadn’t even been started. Builders were toiling around the clock in order for the construction to be over by Christmas. That was four months away, but there was still a lot to do. Two years behind schedule and ten years in the planning, the bizarre theme park was the longtime personal dream of the Quangle-Wangle, the reclusive industrialist, computer and shipping billionaire whose own experiences on the Somme had been the basis of what he called “the only safe real-life war experience in the world.”
They parked the car, entered the impressive dome-roofed visitors’ center and were directed up the stairs to the park operations center. They walked along the partially finished corridors until they found the correct door, and Mary pressed the entry buzzer. She stuck an index finger in her ear and waggled it.
“I don’t know how those explosions work, but the concussion is for real. One went off a couple of yards from me, and I felt my ears pop like a champagne cork.”
The door opened to reveal a young man of about twenty with a goatee and matching SommeWorld T-shirt and baseball cap. He looked at them both in turn.
“Can I help you guys?”
“Police,” said Mary. “We want to see whoever’s in charge.”
“Sure,” said the young man, leading them into the spacious control room perched on the upper floors of the visitors’ center.
“What’s this all about? Someone complaining about the noise again?”
Inside the room were a dozen or so Quang-6000 computers with technicians hunched over them, doubtless trying to debug whatever problems with which SommeWorld was beset. In front of the consoles, a large window assured the operators an unimpaired view across the battlefield. As they watched, a flight of low-flying Sopwith Camels buzzed across the smoking battlefield and three separate explosions went off near the ruined church.
“No, no, no,” said the supervisor into a microphone. “We can’t get away with a simulated bombing run unless we actually drop something. Land and we’ll try something else.”
“Mr. Haig?” said Jack and Mary’s guide quite timidly. “The police would like a word.”
Haig looked up and strode over. His manner was abrupt but helpful.
“Good afternoon, Officers.” He caught sight of Mary’s tattered state. “My goodness! What happened to you?”
“I’m DS Mary Mary, head of Reading’s NCD, and this is Inspector Spratt. I want you to shut down the park.”
Haig knew better than to ask why. The park was a legal nightmare over public liability, and everyone had been told to cooperate fully with authority. He turned to the operators. “Code-red shutdown, disarm all air mortars.”
Within a couple of moments, the operators were leaning back from their terminals and stretching. To them this was a welcome break from a long and tiresome day.
“As simple as that,” said Haig, the impromptu emergency procedure a deft display of safety. “My name is Stuart Haig, overall supreme commander of control operations. We’re in the middle of a test firing. Is there a problem?”
“I need to search your park where it borders Andersen’s Wood.” Mary walked over to a large map that was hanging on the wall and tapped it where she’d found Goldy’s laptop. “Just about here.”
Haig did not display any emotion one way or the other. “Can I ask why?”
“We believe,” said Jack slowly, “that someone might have wandered into the park last Saturday morning.”
Haig frowned and tapped a few keys on a nearby keyboard. “Saturday?” he echoed, staring at the screen. “There was a test firing that morning at nine. An hour’s barrage at one hundred percent efficiency. I’d not like to think what might happen to someone caught in that.”
“We were caught in one ourselves over there not more than an hour ago.”
Haig scowled angrily, seemingly more concerned about the future of the park than their safety. “Didn’t you see the signs? How did you get in?”
“The fence has been breached. We were looking for someone when the barrage began.”
His manner abruptly changed. “I’m sorry about that, Officer. Thank heavens you’re unharmed. I can see we are going to have to increase perimeter security. I’ll take you out there, and we’ll have a look around.”
He picked a Motorola radio out of a rack, handed them each what looked like a large wristwatch and a hard hat, then led them out of the control room, back down the corridor and out through the turnstiles, which led them through a farmhouse, ingeniously built to look half shelled and with a camouflage net over the badly damaged roof. On the dusty road outside was the debris of battle. Old guns, shell cases, rolls of barbed wire, scrap dumps, wood, cart wheels, everything. The whole park had been dressed with meticulous care and the smallest attention to detail. Even the road signs had been made out of wooden shell crates. Haig jumped into a mud-spattered Daimler and invited them up. The car started easily, and they were soon driving along the bumpy road toward the bombed-out church.
“Kind of an odd idea for a theme park, isn’t it?” asked Jack.
“‘Unusual’ is more the word I would choose, Inspector,” replied Haig. “It’s been a personal dream of the Quangle-Wangle for quite some time now. As you probably know, he served with the Kent Fusiliers on the Somme, and the experience never really left him. ‘If this facility allows people to really understand what war was about,’ the Quangle-Wangle once told me, ‘then we are one step closer to a peaceful planet.’"
“Very noble words,” commented Jack, “but won’t a theme park dedicated to the Battle of the Somme just attract those wanting to glamorize war?”
“Those are precisely the people we want to attract, Inspector,” replied Haig with a smile. “It will be a sobering experience. All of our visitors are dressed in uncomfortable and badly fitting standard-issue British uniforms and sent up to the front with a full pack of supplies and an Enfield rifle. They are accompanied by a regimental sergeant major and two officers. We shell their position for two hours and then send them over the top. Nobody ever comes back wanting to glamorize that.”
“I see your point. What does the Quangle-Wangle say about it?”
“As far as I know, he’s pleased. We often send him videotapes of the progress here, but to my knowledge he has never visited. The Quangle-Wangle is an intensely private man. The joke goes that a group of recluses start to talk and one of them says, ‘Hey, has anyone seen the Quangle-Wangle recently?’" Haig laughed at his own joke and then added, “I’ve been working for him for fifteen years and only seen him once.”