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He nodded and turned to go back into the shop, and I was off. I went to the library and I went to the local bookstore and I was back in half an hour. I rushed into the shop with six big books under each arm and yelled, “Hey, George! Rush job. I’ll set it.”

He was at the type bank at the moment, emptying the stick. I grabbed it out of his hand and sat down at the Linotype and put the stick back under the vise. He said frantically, “Hey, get out of—” and grabbed my shoulder.

I shook off his hand. “You offered me a job here, didn’t you? Well, I’m taking it. Listen, George, go home and get some sleep. Or wait in the outer office. I’ll call you when the job is over.”

Etaoin Shrdlu seemed to be making impatient noises down inside the motor housing, and I winked at George—with my head turned away from the machine—and shoved him away. He stood there looking at me irresolutely for a minute, and then said, “I hope you know what you’re doing, Walter.”

So did I, but I didn’t tell him that. I heard him walk into the outer office and sit down at his desk there to wait.

Meanwhile, I’d opened one of the books I’d bought, torn out the first page and put it on the clipboard of the machine. With a suddenness that made me jump, the mats started to fall, the elevator jerked up and Etaoin Shrdlu spat a slug into the stick. And another. And on.

I sat there and sweated.

A minute later, I turned the page; then tore out another one and put it on the clipboard. I replenished the metal pot. I emptied the stick. And on.

We finished the first book before ten thirty.

When the twelve-o’clock whistle blew, I saw George come and stand in the doorway, expecting me to get up and come to lunch with him. But Etaoin was clicking on—and I shook my head at George and kept on feeding copy. If the machine had got so interested in what it was setting that it forgot its own manifesto about hours and didn’t stop for lunch, that was swell by me. It meant that maybe my idea might work.

* * *

One o’clock and going strong. We started the fourth of my dozen books.

At five o’clock we’d finished six of them and were halfway through the seventh. The bank was hopelessly piled with type and I began pushing it off on the floor or back into the hopper to make room for more.

The five o’clock whistle, and we didn’t stop.

Again George looked in, his face hopeful but puzzled, and again I waved him back.

My fingers ached from tearing sheets of copy out of the book, my arms ached from shoveling metal, my legs from walking to the bank and back, and other parts of me ached from sitting down.

Eight o’clock. Nine. Ten volumes completed and only two more to go. But it ought—it was working. Etaoin Shrdlu was slowing down.

It seemed to be setting type more thoughtfully, more deliberately. Several times it stopped for seconds at the end of a sentence or a paragraph.

Then slower, slower.

And at ten o’clock it stopped completely and sat there, with only a faint hum coming from the motor housing, and that died down until one could hardly hear it.

I stood up, scarcely daring to breathe until I’d made certain. My legs trembled as I walked over to the tool bench and picked up a screwdriver. I crossed over and stood in front of Etaoin Shrdlu and slowly—keeping my muscles tensed to jump back if anything happened—I reached forward and took a screw out of the second elevator.

Nothing happened, and I took a deep breath and disassembled the vise-jaws. Then with triumph in my voice, I called out, “George!” and he came running.

“Get a screwdriver and a wrench,” I told him. “We’re going to take it apart and—well, there’s that big hole in the yard. We’ll put it in there and fill up the hole. Tomorrow you’ll have to get yourself a new Linotype, but I guess you can afford that.”

He looked at the couple of parts on the floor that I’d already taken off, and he said, “Thank God,” and went to the workbench for tools.

I walked over with him, and I suddenly discovered that I was so dog tired I’d have to rest a minute first, and I sank down into the chair and George came over and stood by me. He said, “And now, Walter, how did you do it?” There was awe and respect in his voice.

I grinned at him. “That pimple business gave me the idea, George. The pimple of Buddha. That and the fact that the Linotype reacted in a big way to what it learned. See, George? It was a virgin mind, except for what we fed it. It sets books on labor relations and it goes on strike. It sets love pulp mags, and it wants another Linotype put in—”

“So I fed it Buddhism, George. I got every damn book on Buddhism in the library and the bookstore.”

“Buddhism? Walter, what on earth has—”

I stood up and pointed at Etaoin Shrdlu. “See, George? It believes what it sets. So I fed it a religion that convinced it of the utter futility of all effort and action and the desirability of nothingness. Om Mani padme hum, George.

“Look—it doesn’t care what happens to it and it doesn’t even know we’re here. It’s achieved Nirvana, and it’s sitting there contemplating its cam stud!”

The End

Professor Jones had been working on time theory for many years.

“And I have found the key equation,” he told his daughter one day. “Time is a field. This machine I have made can manipulate, even reverse, that field.”

Pushing a button as he spoke, he said, “This should make time run backward run time make should this,” said he, spoke he as button a pushing.

“Field that, reverse even, manipulate can made have I machine this. Field a is time.” Day one daughter his told he, “Equation key the found have I and.”

Years many for theory time on working been had Jones Professor.

SPECIAL THANKS

Special thanks to Barry Malzberg, agent for the Fredric Brown estate, for fascilitating this edition; and to David Datta for assistance with locating and scanning some of Fredric Brown’s short stories. This volume could not exist without them.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

“Keep Out” originally appeared in Amazing Stories, March 1954.

“Happy Ending” originally appeared in Fantastic Universe, September 1957.

“Hall of Mirrors” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction, December 1953.

“Earthmen Bearing Gifts” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction, June 1960.