“Are you listening?” said Elaine, her voice interrupting the cascade of dark thoughts that had almost overwhelmed me.
My eyes narrowed as they focused on Elaine’s. Pushing aside the confusion of memories threatening my sanity, I drew upon anger to hide my weakness. “Are you accusing me of something, Elaine?” I responded, in a tone that radiated chilly animosity.
She hesitated then, as my sudden anger had caused her some uncertainty. Glancing toward the footman, as if seeking reassurance, she answered, “Perhaps we should talk about this another time… for the sake of discretion.”
“You require privacy?” I asked, and without waiting for an answer, I created dark grey shields around the two of us. They were opaque, blocking all sight, and the sudden hush around us gave testament to their sound deadening qualities. “You may speak freely now, no one will see or hear us.”
Unsettled, Elaine looked around before straightening her back and squaring her shoulders. “I want to know where your knowledge comes from,” she said with sudden boldness, even daring to step closer to me, as if to show that my angry demeanor had not frightened her.
“I have many secrets,” I admitted, “but I have hidden nothing concerning my knowledge of magic from you.” A half-truth is still a lie.
Elaine stared unwaveringly into my eyes and parted her lips as if to speak, but she closed them again without saying anything. There was defiance in her gaze.
“Spit it out, no one can hear us,” I said.
“I may speak freely?” she asked.
As she spoke I noted the dilation of her eyes and the increase in her breathing. She was afraid of me, either that or… I pushed the thought away. “I already told you that. Speak what is on your mind,” I told her.
“You’re lying,” she said abruptly.
“What?” I said, shocked at her brazenness. Absently I also noted that her cheeks were flushed. And she smells uncommonly good, observed the voice in the back of my head.
“You heard me. I called you a liar,” she said, stepping even closer and looking up into my eyes. Our faces were too close; she had invaded my personal space. Usually it made me uncomfortable, but despite my anger, or perhaps because of it, I did not step back.
“I’ve been watching you for years now,” she continued, “and I’ve learned to read your expressions. You’ve become an excellent liar. You lie to everyone; to Dorian, to my father, to your wife, and to me. I know you do it for good reason. You want to protect us, but it doesn’t have to be that way.”
Rather than dodge the accusation, I accepted it at face value. “That is my decision to make,” I stated calmly, though my temper was rising.
“You have other options, Mordecai. Everyone needs a confidant, someone they trust, someone to share their secrets. I want to help you,” she said, pressing even closer, her hand on my chest.
Her hand was hot, or so it seemed, for it seemed to burn where she had laid it against my chest. Such a casual gesture, and yet my senses told me that her heart was beating rapidly. Even worse, her perception would have already betrayed my own quickening heart rate. I took a deep breath, “Elaine, you’ve made a mistake, an understandable one, given the situation, but a mistake nonetheless. You don’t really want what you think you want. If…”
“No,” she interrupted, “you do need me.” For just a second her eyes darted downward.
Wicked girl! I knew then that she held no illusions about the nature of her actions. This was no innocent. She’s only four years younger than I am, my inner commentator reminded me. I have thought of her as a child since I first met her, but she’s a woman of twenty three now.
Her features softened as she looked up at me with sky blue eyes, eyes that were full of sorrow. “I’ve watched you, learned from you, studied you…, and loved you, Mordecai, since the day you saved me from Celior’s cruel grip. I know you have obligations, but I would give anything to help you. I am not a child.”
For a second I wavered as I looked at her. It would have been easy after all, and I need have no guilt over her innocence, for she had just proclaimed her clear intention. Of course, it would be a betrayal of my family, my wife, and her father, who trusted me. My hormones didn’t really give a damn about any of that though. The doorway that had opened in my mind held glimpses of similar situations: other men’s moments of weakness or strength, and in those memories I saw that many otherwise good men had made bad decisions. Better men than I had made this mistake, often with few consequences.
Some of them had tragic results, my inner monitor reminded me, but my lower regions were shouting something entirely different at me. I closed my eyes for a moment while, with my magesight, I saw Elaine leaning in, her arms rising to circle my waist. Her own senses had surely alerted her to my body’s physical reaction, so she had little reason to doubt how I would answer her.
Her face registered shock for a moment. I had caught her wrists in my hands to prevent her embrace. “No,” I said softly, looking down at her with what I hoped were firm and compassionate eyes.
“What?”
“No,” I repeated. “This is never going to happen.”
“I don’t understand,” she began, a look of confusion in her features, “I can feel your true response. Why are you…?”
“This would do nothing but bring harm to both of us. I love my wife, and your father is my friend. I have many flaws, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I will not add this to them,” I explained carefully.
Elaine frowned, “That isn’t what you want.” Again her eyes flashed downward, in a not so subtle hint.
My temper returned quickly. “You think that is an indicator of a man’s true desires?” I rebuked her, “That it’s an sign of love perhaps?”
Her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment, and she stepped back from me, providing me with some welcome space. “I never thought you would love me,” she replied, “I am not a fool. I was simply offering my confidence, my trust, and any comfort that you might want of me, but I already knew I could not claim your heart. Is that so wrong of me?”
I had to give her credit. She made adultery sound almost noble. Even worse, I was pretty sure she truly meant what she said. She was willing to give me whatever I wanted, and she expected nothing in return. It was a tortured form of love. It was also self-deceit.
I ignored her question and answered with one of my own, “Do you know what separates humans from the beasts?” The question was rhetorical, and after a brief pause I went on, “The distinction between love and lust, the ability to occasionally overcome our impulses for self-gratification, and instead do what is best for our loved ones. We frequently fail at this, but once in a while we succeed.”
She flinched as though I had slapped her. Opening her mouth to reply, no words came out, while instead tears were already falling from her cheeks. My remarks had definitely produced the intended result. Now if I can calm her down. Getting on a moral soapbox may not have been the best method. She’s not likely to be very rational for a while, I observed mentally.
Whirling about she ran headlong into the grey shield I had put around us. “Let me out!” she cried at me through her tears.
“Not yet,” I answered calmly. “I have a few things to tell you first.”
She met my gaze for a moment, and I was shocked at the transformation. In less than a minute, she had gone from lovely young woman to puffy-eyed, snotty-nosed, and thoroughly disheveled. She also seemed to be acutely aware of it, for she hid her face. “Just let me go, I don’t want to be here anymore. Please!” she sobbed.