“I am losing my damned mind,” I said aloud, hoping the sound of my own voice would help to ground me again. “The first thing I need to do is reassure the people. They will want to see that I am alive and still protecting them. Until I do that, I can do nothing else.”
Clenching my jaw I shuttered away the unwelcome thoughts and penned a short letter to Marc. I kept it brief, congratulating him on his find and promising that I would try to find the time to visit soon. I deliberately left out the most recent events. It would have taken too long to write them out. That could wait for another day.
After I had finished, I rose and left. It was time and past for me to return to Castle Cameron. The people were back and they needed my reassurance. Taking a deep breath, I kept my steps firm as I walked down the hall. Confidence was the key.
Chapter 33
Two days passed relatively uneventfully. I kept Penny and the children hidden away in our private home while I continued to supervise the beginnings of the reconstruction. I still didn’t feel that things were safe enough to expose my family, but there was no sign of any return by the gods.
Karenth still moaned and lamented his fate deep below, in the Ironheart Chamber. His power had been drained away and now was stored in the heavy iron surrounding him, forming an impenetrable prison cell. Later I would need to decide how the power should be used. While the structure and shape of his prison was very different than the God-Stone, the functional purpose was the same. It held his power, and if I didn’t find a way to make regular use of it, he would eventually overload the capacity of the iron, resulting in an explosion of untold proportions.
My best estimation gave me several years before that was a risk however.
I met with Walter, Elaine and George, assigning George to help with the reconstruction of the damaged parts of the Castle. Walter and Elaine I tasked with taking turns keeping watch over the castle and Washbrook. I wanted someone there at all times, ready to reactivate the barrier if the worst should happen and Doron or Millicenth decided to pay a visit.
As they were leaving Elaine paused and looked back, “May I have a private word with you?”
“Certainly,” I agreed, hoping the conversation wouldn’t be too awkward.
Once her father and brother had gone, I shut the door and motioned to her to return to her chair. We had been sitting in one of the small meeting rooms of Castle Cameron. Resuming our seats, I waited to see what she would say.
An uncomfortable silence ensued while she gathered her courage. “I wanted to thank you,” she said finally, “and to apologize.”
I waved my hands as if to deny her words, “No. You have no need to apologize, especially after what you did for my family. Penny saw your acts in the hall. You defended my children as if they were your own.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I stepped across boundaries that were not mine to cross. I let my own selfishness blind me to the fact that what I was doing would harm your family,” she explained. “After what you did, when you healed me, I understood how wrong I was.”
We hadn’t actually spoken yet about the events of that day, so I still had many questions regarding what had occurred after I had lost consciousness. “About that,” I began, “could you describe what happened for me?”
“You gave me what I had always wanted,” she said with a wistful smile.
Myself?
She saw the look on my face and spoke before I could interrupt, “Don’t be egotistical. I meant your gift, for a little while I could hear the voices of the world.”
“If I went that far… why am I still here? You had everything,” I suggested.
Elaine frowned, “Do I seem so shallow, so selfish? I have seen through your eyes now, and I understand better what drives you. I know that my… feelings, may have been wrong, but I am not evil. I cared for Penny, for your family, before… but once I had seen them through your eyes… how could I deny them their father? While you were with me, I didn’t just possess your gift. I also saw them, your wife and family, in the light of your love. I had no other choice than to return you, to restore you, as you had done for me.”
“I should have thought before I said that,” I said, backtracking. “I knew you better than that, or I wouldn’t have gone as far as I did.”
She looked down, “Don’t. Your kindness doesn’t help, and that isn’t what I came to tell you.”
I was puzzled. “So what was it?”
“Before it was over, before I finished, I felt something in your heart, something that was part of you, but was also separate. But when I tried to look at it, to see it more clearly, I could feel it looking back at me, as if it were measuring me,” she said. “It frightened me.”
The only thing she could be relating was the hidden part of myself, the piece that held the secrets I dared not examine. I had never seen it quite as she described, but I knew it immediately. You bear Illeniel’s Doom. The words echoed in my mind, though I wasn’t sure where I had heard them.
“I asked you about this before, and you wouldn’t answer me, but I understand now. That’s where your secrets come from, isn’t it?” she said without beating about the bush.
“Some things,” I agreed. “Not everything, I think, but it’s hard for me to know sometimes. I don’t think it is quite as separate as you suggest. I think it’s just a dark corner of my own mind. I just don’t know how it came to know everything that it does.”
“It knows,” she replied darkly. “It knows how it got there.”
I suppressed the urge to shudder. “Did you learn something from it?”
“No!” she said sharply, “It’s just a feeling, but I’m certain that it knows.”
“You keep saying that as if we were talking about something foreign. I think it’s just another part of my ‘self’. Some sort of bloodline memory perhaps, passed down from my father, but still a part of ‘me’,” I explained.
“You may be right,” answered Elaine, “but I think you should be wary.”
That’s all well and good, but how, do you propose that I be wary of myself, I thought wryly. “I’ll try,” I said placatingly.
That evening I reread Marc’s letter. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I was to see him. Things seemed to have stabilized at home, and I began to worry that if I waited very long it would be too late. I sat down in my study to pen a response letter to him.
Marcus,
My last letter was too short. I omitted most of the recent events here, mostly because I didn’t want to worry you about things you couldn’t fix. Things have calmed down, and I’ve decided to make a trip to Agraden. I’ll catch you up when I see you. It really is too much to write.
Expect me in two or three days.
Mordecai
I folded the small sheet and put it into the box, and then I leaned back and tried to think about how I would explain my reasons to Penny. The more I examined my motives, the more selfish they seemed.
Fifteen minutes later I had given up and I was about to leave my study when I noticed the light flashing on the message box. It was unusual to get such a quick reply. Opening the box I found a small torn piece of parchment, hastily scribbled with a message. It wasn’t in Marcus’ handwriting.
Dear Mordecai,
Please forgive the condition of this note. I had not the time to find a more suitable medium to write upon. My husband is no longer able to respond. His illness has worsened and he is now confined to his bed. He drifts in and out of consciousness, but I will endeavor to make him understand you are on your way.