| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #9 N. U. Rhesus™ |
| Newton Ulysses? Or Naomi Ursula? Nobody seems to know. Rhesus is a monkylike critter, dressed in a nightshirt and a diaper. Toilet training was too tough a subject for little N. U. He or she still doesn't have it right. In simple terms, a bed wetter. |
| Sparky sez: Incontinence ain't a sin, you know. Let he who is without fear throw the first wet Pamper. Reesey is a stand-up guy, er, whatever. |
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| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #16 Klepto Maine™ |
| When you shake hands with this guy, count your fingers after! Klepto figures he's just borrowing things you're not using. Maybe so. |
| Sparky sez: He who steals my purse steals trash. It was mine, now it's his, and has been the slave of thousands. But he that filches from me my good name robs me of that which doesn't enrich him, and makes me a poor man. |
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| KIDS AT RISK® OFFICIAL TRADING CARD "SPARKY AND HIS GANG" |
| #7 The Sexy Six: Rae Jean Hormonz™ Master Bates™ S.Trojan™ Tess Tosterone™ Min Arkey™ Seaman Plenty™ |
| You reached puberty yet? No? Hah! You think you got troubles now! These six can't seem to get it off their minds. On the other side is a typical group grope. For more about them, get the individual cards! |
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From the Grievance Committee
Writers' Guild of Luna
To: Gideon Peppy, President, Peppiprod, Inc.
Dear Sir:
It has come to the attention of this committee that you may be in violation of the WGL Minimum Basic Agreement. It has been alleged that you have appropriated characters and story lines developed and created by Writers' Guild member, Kenneth C. Valentine. It is further alleged that you did cause to be registered as trademarks these same characters, in violation of several Luna laws and interplanetary conventions. Attached please find a twenty-four-hour Cease and Desist Order. You are ordered to post this order prominently in the offices of Peppiprod, Inc., and upon the doors to any sets currently in use in the production of the television series Sparky and His Gang. This will serve to notify members of all the Crafts Unions that they may not work in your employ until this matter is resolved. A fact-finding hearing will convene at the Writers' Guild headquarters, 2100 The Alameda, King City, at 1000 hours tomorrow. You may feel free to bring legal representation and any documents, witnesses, or recordings that would substantiate your position in re ownership of these disputed characters and plot lines (see attached list). Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.
Trevor Jones
Chairman, Grievance Committee
of the Writers' Guild of Luna
CC:
Kenneth C. Valentine
Kaspara Polichinelli
D. Mentua Precox
Summerfall Winterspring
Melina Polichinelli
Ambrose Wolfinger, M.S.W.
Sam Mohammed
Debbie Corlet
Velma Crow, representing Actors' Equity
John B. Valentine (Triton, via LaserNet)
from TRANSCRIPT, WGL HEARING
Investigation of certain claims involving Gideon Peppy, and Peppiprod, a corporate entity chartered in the Republic of Luna.
Meeting resumes after lunch and deliberations:
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Peppy, it is the unanimous conclusion of this panel that you are in violation of the Minimum Basic Agreement.
PEPPY: Violation, my fucking lollipop. This is a kangaroo court.
CHAIR: When you signed the MBA, you agreed to abide by certain rules and accept the authority of this committee. You have a right to an appeal, of course, and one will be held in one week's time, right here.
PEPPY: And I'll get sandbagged again. Oh, yeah, I know the drill. Sam! Debbie! You're a fucking Judas, Sam! And Debbie, you're a... a Judette! You thought you figured out which way the wind was blowing, you fucking jerks. Well, let me tell you, I ain't down yet. It ain't gonna be this easy to pick my fucking pocket.
CHAIR: Mr. Peppy, these are informal proceedings, but we would appreciate it if you'd control your temper a little better.
PEPPY: And fuck you, too!
CHAIR: Is there something else you have to add?
PEPPY: You fucking right I do. I was blindsided, that's what I was. I didn't even know the little prick was a member of the WGL!
CHAIR: I fail to see how that changes anything. You were using his creative output. It was your responsibility to see that he was a member.
PEPPY: You all think this is just a fucking coincidence. He joined up two days after I hired him! Now, why would he do that, do you think? Sure, I had him join Screen Actors, I was paying the stinkin' little turd to act! It's his goddamn father, that's who's behind this. They planned it! I spent two fucking million dollars to get rid of his sorry ass. Two million dollars just so I wouldn't have to look at his fucking face at the other end of the table, listen to his fucking voice.
VALENTINE: You be careful what you say about my father.
PEPPY: Oh, now we hear from the fucking peanut gallery. Oh, man! Sam, Debbie, you gonna work with this little shit, you watch your fucking back, you hear me? He can reach around you and stab you while he's shaking your fucking hand. Who do you think suggested we send daddy-o to Neptune?
VALENTINE: That was his idea, Your Honor.
PEPPY: Oh, yeah, I thought so, too, at first. He does that, you know. Then you think it over and you realize he's been leading you around the ring like a prize Pomeranian.
CHAIR: You don't have to call me Your Honor, son.
PEPPY: Is anybody listening to me?
VALENTINE: I didn't know.
PEPPY: He didn't know, he didn't know, he didn't fucking know! I think I'm gonna puke if I hear him say that again. C'mon, people, get me out of here before I start slugging him.
VALENTINE: I really didn't know.
CHAIR: That's all right, Sparky. We understand what happened.
VALENTINE: No, this really bothers me. If I understand you right, I should have been reporting my writing work to you. I was just happy to have my characters on the show, I didn't realize I was doing wrong.
PEPPY: Oh, my god, he's gonna cry. I'm gonna pound the shit out of him!
CHAIR: Mr. Peppy! Grab him... don't let him...
PEPPY: You little fuck! I been railroaded! I been screwed! You think it ends here, well, it don't end here, you're gonna see more of me...
CHAIR: That's right, lock that door. I think somebody should call the police, too, in case he's still out there when we leave.