He looked up again and gave Kirisin a quick smile. “But maybe you won’t have to live with as many of those regrets as I do. Not if you’re aware that they’re out there.”
They were silent for a moment, and then Kirisin said, “In a world like this one, where everything either has been destroyed or is in the process of being destroyed, maybe you have to be content with knowing that you’re doing the best you can. Maybe you shouldn’t spend too much time blaming yourself for what didn’t work out. You do the best you can, don’t you?”
Logan Tom nodded slowly. “Of course. And I’m sure you will, too. But that won’t change things. It won’t change the way the magic works or the effect it has on you. It won’t change the bad choices. It won’t absolve you of your guilt. In the end, you still have to live with yourself. But it might be easier to do so if you understand why sometimes you feel so terrible about who you are. I’m just telling you how it will be. I’m just doing what I can to pass along what I know.”
Kirisin nodded. “I guess I understand.”
“You make me remember what I was like at your age. I was a little older when I was given the magic, but I knew less about it than you do. I wasn’t raised in a culture where magic existed. I was bitter and angry about what had been done to me. All I wanted was revenge. Especially against that old man. He took everything from me. My family. My life. I haven’t forgiven or forgotten any of it. Every time I use the magic, I see his face. It’s not a good thing. I know this. Rationally, I can say I know it. But it doesn’t change how I feel. Even now.”
He took a deep breath. “But your sister …”
“Sim?” Kirisin prodded, when he failed to continue.
Logan Tom nodded. “When I look at her, I can see what I’ve given up by being a Knight of the Word. It seemed the right thing until now. But she made me realize that my whole life is going by, and I don’t have anything to show for it but the magic. And my promise to myself that I would hunt down and kill that demon.”
The boy stared. “You’re in love with her.”
It sounded so naive, so foolish, that he regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. But Logan
Tom just shrugged. “I don’t know anything about being in love. I just know she made me question what I wanted out of life, and I haven’t done enough of that. I was burned out when I came to find the gypsy morph, but I thought it was just because I needed something new, a change from what I’d been doing.” He hesitated, as if considering what that something was. “Now I’m not so sure. I think it’s more complicated.”
“I think she likes you,” Kirisin said impulsively, wanting to do something to help. “In fact, I’m sure she does.”
Logan shook his head. “Maybe she ought to think twice about it.” He rose abruptly. “Well, I’ve said what I wanted to say. That’s enough about it. Time to be going.”
They climbed back into the AV and set out once more. Kirisin sat in silence, mulling over what Logan Tom had told him. He found that he believed almost all of it. He had known from the first moment he had used the blue Elfstones and felt the power of the magic surging through him that nothing was ever going to be the same for him again. Nor did he dispute that use of the magic was dangerous–not just in a physical way, but in an emotional way, as well. He understood what the other was saying about the ways in which using power could subvert you. He understood that he would always be at risk, that he would always need to be cautious. That was the price you paid. And while he hadn’t asked for that use, he had willingly embraced it. He had wanted to help the Ellcrys as a member of the Chosen, and had pledged on more than one occasion to do whatever was needed to see that she was protected.
So he couldn’t very well complain now about the consequences of having made that commitment. He couldn’t complain about not having fully understood what that meant.
On the other hand, he had somehow convinced himself that the commitment was only temporary; that once the Elves and their city were safely delivered to their destination and released back into the world, it would all be over. Things would go back to the way they had been with his life. He would continue as a Chosen in service to the tree until his time was up, and then he would enter the ranks of the Home Guard.
How naive, he realized.
Because it wouldn’t be so simple. What was he going to do with the Elfstones? Not just the Loden, the use of which might be ended for his lifetime, at least, but the blue Elfstones, the seeking-Stones. What did he think he was going to do about them? Give them up? To whom? Who could he trust to see that they were used in the right way? He could give them to the King, but Arissen Belloruus wasn’t the most dependable person with whom to entrust such a powerful magic.
Changed or not, he was still a volatile personality. And if not to the King of the Elves, then to whom?
He couldn’t give them to anyone.
Because Pancea Rolt Gotrin had given them to him and sworn him to the task of finding a way to convince the Elves that the magic that was their heritage must be recovered and put to use. In the rushed frenzy of everything that had happened since her shade had bestowed the blue Elfstones on him, he had forgotten his promise. But it recalled itself now in chilling detail, and he realized that nothing of this matter would ever be over for him. He had committed himself to a lifetime of service to a cause, an undertaking he must somehow resurrect from its thousand–year dormancy, that he must breathe fresh life into, that he must fully embrace.
If he did not …
He brushed the rest of that thought aside. He did not care to speculate about what would happen if he did not. At best, he would be haunted for the remainder of his life by the breaking of the promise he had given. Some promises you could break and live with yourself after doing so, but not this one.
He was brooding on the consequences of having made that promise when Logan suddenly said, “You asked me why I didn’t take the staff with me when I came to rescue you, Kirisin. Do you still want to know?”
It caught the boy off guard. He looked over at Logan, but the Knight of the Word had his eyes fixed on the road, maneuvering the AV through the obstacle course of debris and potholes.
“If you want to tell me,” he said.
Logan nodded. “When I was living with Michael, after he saved me from the compound, we used to go hunting. We would strip down, paint ourselves with camouflage, arm ourselves with nothing but K-Bar Classics, and go after the militias that were always hunting us. Hunting the hunters, we called it. A game we played to scare them off. We’d go out, find a patrol, kill a few, and then disappear. Leave no footprints behind, no trace of who we were. Just the dead men. It was a warning to them. But it was something more to us.”
He paused. “That all stopped a dozen years ago, when Michael stopped being Michael and became someone else.”
He glanced over at Kirisin, and the boy found himself wondering–not for the first time–who Michael was. But Logan pressed on with no explanation. “Last night I found myself wanting to do that again. To strip down and go after those skrails with nothing but a hunting knife. It was a dangerous impulse, a foolish idea, and I knew it. It risked everything if I failed. It was selfish, too. I had been lucky enough to find you, to catch up to your captors, and now I was thinking about throwing it all away on a whim. I knew this. I recognized it right away.”
He shook his head. “But I did it anyway.” He went silent, eyes on the road. “I did it,” he continued finally, “because I needed to do something to save myself.”