‘You leave it to me, it’s going as we planned.’
‘Yeah... din’ tell me bro’, yo’ plan fo’ Dan-yell to be makin’ moon eyes.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, he be takin’ wit de bitch... he think she be foxy.’
‘I don’t believe this shit, is he riding her?’
‘Other way’s round, bro’.’
‘He’s giving it to her Greek?’
‘Naw, why fo’ yo’ no listen up, she be doin’ him.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yo’ all think they let me watch? I can smell it an’ he looks like de cat got dee cream.’
‘The dumb fuck.’
‘What yo’ gonna do now?’
‘Think, I’m going to think... Okay?’
But I didn’t. Leastways, not about that, not then. I was thinking about the Jeff-ster... about two tickets to Frisco... about... Screw Maupin... who needed him, anyhow?
I called Danny on the mobile.
Yeah, there was a spring in his voice, said, ‘That you, Tone?’
‘Yeah, how’s everything there, any problems?’
‘Naw, sweet as a nut, she’s a good kid, I’m finding I’ve a flair for this.’
‘What... babysittin’?’
‘Good one, Tone.’
This is where I should have given him a bollocking, told him to get his act in gear. Like that.
What I did was:
‘Danny, could I ask you a big favour?’
‘Sure.’
‘Would you do a double shift? Cover for me...? I...’
‘Hey, no need to explain, Tone. Glad to.’
‘I really appreciate it, Danny. I owe you, okay?’
‘My pleasure. You’d think this kid would be toffee-nosed what with Cambridge ’n’ all but she’s down to earth, a real ordinary person.’
I wanted to say ‘Like Crystal’, but I needed the favour more, said, ‘Thanks again, Danny.’
‘What are friends for... eh?’
And he rung off.
Then I called Jeff, arranged to meet him at eight. Jeez, I even loved his voice.
Splendid evening, the Gods smiled huge. Jeff had dressed for the occasion, white button-down shirt, dark chinos, imitation Gucci slip ons. Those I know cos we do a brisk business with Taiwan via Deptford. I didn’t look too bad, either. Farrah slacks (c’mon, I’m over fifty) light polo neck, sports jacket. It was leather patches on the sleeve, to give the studied — if not studious — look. Yeah, I was a comer.
We had a drink at the Cricketers first. Probationary conversation, checking each other out. Couple of drinks and then off to an Italian joint at the Elephant. They do a mozzarella to die for. Ordered some Asti Spimanti and got behind that. I knew what he did for a living, he asked:
‘What do you do? Good Lord, I don’t even know what to call you.’
‘Tony’s good. Not that I am... least not if I can help it.’
The depth of my humour.
I was in the mild horror-zone of wanting to impress. A completely new take for me. My brain was delivering some impressive conversation but bright nuggets of repartee were mutilated into banality. Worse. I knew but couldn’t stop.
‘I’m in the people business.’
‘PR, you mean?’
‘Sort of, I get people what they need. Now can I get you another drink?’ Scintillating.
He asked:
‘Have you always been out.’
‘More or less, it wasn’t so acceptable in my day.’
‘C’mon Tony, you’re not that old.’
Loved him all right.
‘What about you, Jeff?’
‘Oh, I went to a very minor public school, buggery was compulsory.’ I laughed out loud. Too loud. I didn’t even find it funny, said, ‘All that education to become a messenger.’
‘Did you ever hear of Saki?’
‘The Japanese drink?’
He laughed politely. Hell, we were having a high old time.
‘Saki was a short story writer. An early Roald Dahl... he said, If you truly want a boy to become vicious, you have to send him to a good school.’
‘And did you... become vicious?’
‘I became an actor, is that the same?’
‘I think so.’
We had a clever chuckle, just two guys chuckling away. He told me of bit parts in The Bill, Eastenders, and piece de résistance, the lead in a building society ad. He asked if I’d seen it, I gushed, ‘Jeez, is that you? I love that ad.’
‘Well, it got me noticed.’
‘I’d never laid an eye on it but to be fair, it was probably terrific.’
‘So now you are — what’s the term? — resting on a bike... or you were?’
‘Keeps the pecs in shape, I have to be ready for the call. I’m saving for America... if I could get to Los Angeles, I know I’d be big.’
I was fairly big myself. Had to hold back from saying about us going to San Francisco. Didn’t want to scare him off.
When we came out of the restaurant, I asked, ‘You wanna swing by my place? I’ll show you my video collection.’
He looked like he might but then:
‘Not tonight Tony, I’ve an early start, have to go and see if my bike’s ready, it’s in emergency repair.’
‘Plus, you don’t kiss on a first date, am I right?’
‘It’s not like that.’
‘Sorry, just kidding... I’m nervous here... Okay, cut me a little slack.’ He leant over, kissed me full on the mouth. Risky business at the Elephant Roundabout. The gay basheen prowl that area like the worst dose of disease. It got me hot again, the danger feeding the libido. Jeff hailed a taxi and as he got in, said, ‘See, you were wrong.’
‘Moi... wrong! You jest... surely?’
‘I do kiss on a first date, call me.’
And he was gone.
I muttered, ‘Call you...? I call you divine.’
15
Next day, I relieved Danny. He was full of bonhomie, if that’s the word. Full of crap.
Talk about a warm welcome:
‘Tone, good to see you, son.’
Like that.
Roz was sulking and jeez, I do love it when they do. She was wearing a fresh tracksuit and appeared... ready. Yeah, that’s how she looked.
She said, ‘Here’s the local queer.’
I said, ‘You’re educated... right? Well, if you knew yer Derek Jarman, you’d realise that the word is not as offensive as you hope.’
Her lip curled, said, ‘You’re offensive.’
Danny was reluctant to leave.
I said, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not going to hit her.’
He said, ‘Okay, then... bye, Rosaleen.’
Rosaleen!
He’d been gone maybe five minutes when I hit her. I said:
‘Surprised? After what I told yer paramour? The thing is, I lied. You ever call me names again, I’ll remove yer top teeth. Am I getting through to you, Rosaleen?’
I was.
Towards the end of my shift, I said, ‘See how time flies when you’re having fun?’
She’d spent her time reading and listening to a Walkman Danny had provided. Oh, and smoking, serial fashion. I could hardly see her through the smoke. Each time she hit a fresh pack, she’d carefully extract the coupon and meticulously shred it. Little piles of free offers surrounded her camp bed like sad heaps of confetti.
I suddenly jumped to my feet, slapped my forehead and went, ‘Oh no!’
I like a touch of theatricality as much as the next thespian.
She flinched back, so I added:
‘There was us, having a quiet day at home, having quality time together, and I clean forgot I got you a pressie.’
She said, ‘I don’t want a present.’
‘Course you do.’
And lobbed a parcel. It landed beside her and she moved away.