“I’d like that,” she heard herself answer.
His smile became broader.
“Thanks.”
Before he could say any more, the others joined them. They said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.
“So, you’ve agreed to go out with him?” Sally asked, later in the car.
“I suppose so. Shit! This is so complicated!”
“You do like him though, don’t you?”
“I think so. I never had these feelings before, what’s going on?”
“Well, if you always have been a girl, but believed you were a boy, your feelings would have been clamped down tight. You were fucked up, Kayla, really fucked up! You were so worried about your gender, you never thought about sex. You were not a gay boy, you were a girl, but couldn’t get excited about either boys or girls. I should know, I tried my best to get you interested in me.”
“So I’m not a lesbian, that’s a relief!”
Both laughed.
“Seriously, Kayla, I’m sorry if I upset you. I just wanted you to take control of your life.”
“You keep doing that,” Kayla observed.
“Yeah, but it hasn’t done you too much harm, has it?”
“Not yet, but it is early days.”
Sally drove on, in silence.
She pulled to a stop outside Ingrid’s house.
Kayla sat there for a moment, picking at her fingernails. Sally turned towards her.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, Sal, I am. I just seem to be on a merry-go-round, and there doesn’t appear to be any way off.”
“Well, think about it, is it better than before?”
Kayla looked forwards, into the distance. Then she smiled.
“Oh yes, there’s no comparison. But I feel so insecure and as if I’m about to be exposed for the fraud I really am.”
“The only fraudulent thing is the Swedish bit, and that’s nothing.”
“No Sally, I’m not that stupid. Everything about me is false.”
“Do you really think so?”
Kayla nodded.
“Oh, Kay, please don’t. I don’t see you as anything other than my best friend, and a girl!”
Kayla looked at her.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“I suppose it’ll be better when the doctor’s have done whatever they need to. I still feel sort of in the middle somewhere.”
Sally smiled, not fully appreciating Kayla’s situation, but nonetheless sympathetic.
“Hey, you’ll be fine.”
“Yeah,” she replied, not exactly convinced.
She got out of the car.
“See you tomorrow.”
Sally drove off and Kayla went inside.
“Hur går det?” Ingrid asked, almost before the door closed. (How did it go? Pronounced ‘hoo go deh’)
“It was fine, Gran. We had a nice time.”
“You didn’t drink too much?”
“No.”
“Were there any boys there?”
“A couple, don’t panic, nothing happened.”
“Hmm.”
Before she knew what was happening, she was pouring out all her worries and concerns to her grandmother. Ingrid held her hands and calmed her down.
“You are so like your mother!”
“Mama, why?”
“She was just like this whenever she met a new boy. When she met your father, she was in a spin for weeks.”
Kayla smiled.
“Just go slowly. If he likes you as much as you think, he will respect you and won’t try any funny stuff. If he does, dump him!”
Somehow, hearing her grandmother saying such things made her laugh. She went to bed slightly happier. Pete’s smile haunted her until she slipped away to sleep.
The next few days at school passed without incident. The teachers found the Swedish girl bright and very able. Mr Simmonds, in particular, found her artistic style fully of grace and colour. Whereas her cousin, Kyle, had been a fine artist, his sombre pieces lacked the vibrant colours and life that she produced.
Likewise, in French, her accent was strange at first, but she proved to be well able to keep up with other class members, and participated fully in all aspects of the lessons. In addition, her skill with the acoustic guitar was of a high standard, pleasing both her teacher and her parents, as they placed the electric guitar firmly in the cupboard until term was over.
However, on the social front, her life really took off. Two days after the incident at the pub, Pete met her just outside the dining hall. They had not seen each other since saying goodbye in the pub car park.
She was talking with a couple of girls and Pete walked round the corner. They stood very close, simply staring at each other, then they both smiled at the same time.
Both experienced that strange lurch of innards and a knot of excitement.
“Hi Kayla, how are you?”
“Hej! Fine, you?” (Hej = Hi, pronounced ‘hey’)
“Good. Better now I’ve seen you.”
She had no idea what made her do it, but she stretched up and kissed his cheek. In response, he put an arm around her shoulders. They walked into the hall like that. The two girls, to whom Kayla had been talking, giggled and followed them in. It was as if a declaration had been announced, and no one was very surprised. Sally had been right; the other girls treated her differently once they saw that she and Pete were an item.
That first weekend, after the public declaration of attachment, he asked her out on their first date, just the pair of them. It wasn’t anything fancy, just to see a film and have a meal in a Thai restaurant. Kayla was in a nervous panic.
She was feeling frustrated that she still wore the breast forms. Her own breasts were budding, but were too small to allow her the freedom to do away with them. Down below, she was sufficiently smooth and lacked any bulges, despite the equipment being neither one nor t’other.
She just wanted to be a normal girl, and she expressed her frustration through tears.
Sally came over and tried to calm her down. She managed to get her dressed, helping her with her makeup. They agreed on a skirt and a pretty top with short sleeves, but kept her cleavage hidden and out of harm’s way.
“What if he grabs my boobs!” she asked.
“They’re realistic enough; just pretend you’re enjoying it!”
“Sally!”
“Just tell him not to. Same with down below - If he starts any wandering hand trouble, slap him!”
“Shit! He won’t, will he?”
“He might. It depends on you,” Sally said, brushing out her friend’s hair.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you must be careful not to send him any messages that he might confuse with, ‘I want to fool around.’ Do you understand?”
Kayla looked horrified.
“Shit, you don’t. I keep forgetting how new you are to all this. Look, hold his hand, let him put his arm around you, but just don’t allow him to fiddle with your tits or slide his hand up your skirt. Let him kiss you if you feel like it, but don’t get too heavy. Boys are like steamrollers. Some take ages to get the idea, but once started, they are a nightmare to stop!”
“Kiss me?” Kayla repeated.
“Yes, kiss you. Have you never kissed anyone, properly, with tongues?”
Kayla shook her head.
“Okay, look, if I show you, don’t get any ideas, okay?”
Kayla nodded, uncertainly.
Sally held Kayla’s face and kissed her. Before Kayla could react, Sally’s tongue darted into her mouth, touching Kay’s tongue. Sally held her strongly enough to prevent her backing away. The kiss lingered, and the tongues danced a while. Then Sally broke off, smiling at her friend.
“I always wanted to kiss Kyle, so I at last managed it. Don’t worry, it did nothing for me either. Get the idea?”
Kayla, slightly breathless, nodded.