«Richard, this is real. You can't wish it away.»
«What, that you're some kind of sex-crazed demon? I don't believe that. It's more of Jean-Claude's power, or Belle Morte's, or even Marmee Noir. Jesus, Anita, you have had so many vampires running through your mind, you don't know what is you and what is them anymore.»
There was some truth to what he was saying, but… «Richard, I have forged a triumvirate of power with Nathaniel and Damian. That's me, not Jean-Claude. That's real.»
He shook his head again. «There's got to be a way to undo it.»
I just stared at him. This was not the talk I thought we'd be having. «Richard, I am a succubus, me, not Jean-Claude, not Belle Morte, not Mommie Dark, me.»
«Humans can't be succubi.»
«Maybe not, but then humans can't have a vampire servant or an animal to call, and I have both of those.»
«Because you're Jean-Claude's human servant.»
«Richard, you saw what happened when I tried to undo that connection. I would have died and taken Nathaniel and Damian with me.»
He settled back into the water, giving me angry eyes. «Jean-Claude told me the theory. That your version of the ardeur helps you see the deepest desire in someone's heart and grant it, and make them into what you most need. Micah needed his people safe; you killed Chimera for him. You needed what from Micah?»
«A helpmate, a partner, someone to help me run the furry coalition, and help me run the wereleopards that I'd inherited when I killed their old master.»
«I could have been your partner,» he said.
«You didn't want to be my partner. You want your own life, not to be just an adjunct to mine.»
«What does that mean? That I won't give up my job for you?»
«That I needed someone to do the coalition full time, and you have your career.»
«That can't be all Micah is to you.»
«He's there for me, Richard. He's there for me and the people I love. He doesn't fight me all the time. He says yes more than he says no.»
«And I just say no.»
«Sometimes.»
«Nathaniel needed to belong to someone; now he belongs to you. I get that. But what did he do for you?»
«I needed a wife,» I said.
«What?»
«I needed a 1950s wife to make my life run smooth. I needed someone to be my wife, and he's really good at it.»
«And I want you to be my wife, is that it?»
«Something like that, yeah.»
«Why didn't your ardeur look into my heart and see what I most needed, and make us into the perfect couple, too?»
«I thought Jean-Claude explained all this to you.»
«I asked him why not me, and he said the power was unpredictable. But that wasn't the truth, was it?»
«Not all of it,» I said, and cursed my vampire lover for being a chickenshit.
«Tell me all of it,» Richard said.
«Micah knew what he wanted: his people safe at any cost. He said from the moment he came to me that he'd do anything, be anything, to be in my life. The ardeur made that happen for him. Nathaniel wanted a home and to be loved for himself, not just for sex, and the ardeur made that happen. Both of those desires are very clear. Do you know what you want most, Richard? Do you have one single heart's desire?»
«I want you.»
I shook my head. «That's not your deepest darkest wish, Richard.»
«I should know what my deepest wish is, Anita.»
«Richard, if a genie appeared before you right now, what would you wish? Really, truly, if you could have anything, what would it be?»
«You.»
«Liar,» I said.
He sat up, and that otherworldly energy swirled through the room. «How dare you?»
«Richard, be honest with yourself. What would you have if you could have anything, no matter how impossible?»
He blinked at me, and the energy level in the room seeped away. He stared at me. «I don't want to be a werewolf.»
«That's your deepest wish, Richard, and the ardeur can't give you that. I can't be that for you, so the ardeur doesn't work between you and me, because what you want most doesn't have anything to do with sex and love.»
He stared at me and sat back in the water, almost like he was faint. «Oh, my, God.» He whispered it.
«We thought at first you were just too conflicted for the ardeur to pick and choose, but I was the one who figured it out.»
«You're right,» he said. A look of soft horror covered his face. He looked at me, and such pain filled his eyes. «I did this to myself.»
I shrugged.
«I was so afraid I'd become a monster that I took the inoculations against lycanthropy. That's how I caught it.»
«I know,» I said softly.
«And I lost you because I hate what I am more than I want you.»
«You haven't lost me, Richard.»
He looked at me, and I had to fight to keep meeting that look. «You'll never be just mine. We'll never have a life together.»
«We can be part of each other's lives, Richard.»
«Not in the way I want.»
«Maybe not, but, Richard, don't throw away what we have. Was it so bad last night, sleeping with all of us? Was that so awful?»
«No,» he said, «and if I hadn't been in bed with you, then Marmee Noir could have done something awful to you. You need me to protect you.»
«Sometimes, yes.»
«But I can't live with two other men, Anita. I can't share my bed with them every night. I just can't.»
My eyes felt hot, my throat was tight. Damn it, I would not cry. I managed to say, «I know.»
«Then where do I fit in your life?»
«Where do I fit in yours?» I asked.
He nodded. «That's fair.» But that was all he said.
I sat on my side of the tub feeling lost and horrible. Only Richard could make me feel this bad; only he managed to cut me this deep. Damn it.
I felt Nathaniel like a distant tug. He wasn't feeling well, which meant that Damian, in his coffin, would be feeling worse. Damian hadn't woken for the day yet, and I needed to feed the ardeur before he tried to wake. Jean-Claude had explained to me that if one morning I didn't have enough energy to make Damian's body wake, he would never wake again. He would simply remain dead, forever.
«I've got to feed, Richard, now. Nathaniel is starting to feel bad, and I won't risk killing Damian.»
Richard nodded. I expected him to say he'd get someone else for me to feed on, but he didn't. «We need to do enough foreplay so you can feed from me.»
«We're fighting, that's not good foreplay.»
«Are you saying you don't want to be with me now?» He said it low, careful, as if he were balancing a world of emotions on a very thin stick. One wrong comment and the stick would break and the world would fall. Shit.
«I'm saying I don't have time for lengthy foreplay. I need to feed, right away. I'm trying not to cry; that's not conducive to sex. Not for me, at least.»
«I'm sorry, Anita.»
«Don't be sorry, Richard. Fix it. Fix yourself, fix us, or don't fix us. But whatever you're going to do, we need to do it now. I won't risk lives because we're having another fight.»
He nodded his head as if that were fair. Maybe it was. He started moving toward me through the water.
«What are you doing?» I asked, and sounded suspicious.
«I want you to feed off me, Anita.»
«I'm pissed and hurt, and that doesn't lead to sex for me.»
«If I leave you'll still be pissed and hurt. You'll still have trouble concentrating on the sex, won't you?»
I couldn't argue his logic. I almost said, But the others are smaller than you, and this is one situation where bigger isn't better. But I didn't say it out loud. I didn't want to hurt him that badly. I also knew that if Richard and I couldn't come to some kind of understanding, one day we'd be finished as a couple. He'd always be Jean-Claude's wolf to call. He'd always be bound to us in a triumvirate of power, but we'd be broken up. It would be like being trapped in a relationship with someone you'd divorced but could never completely get rid of. A little slice of hell, that.