«There isn't a single thing that Micah got to do that you didn't have the chance to do first.»
«My fault again,» he said.
«Your choices,» I said. I couldn't keep the strain out of my voice. Fine, let him know how much I was hurting.
«I love that,» he said.
I frowned up at him, my hands pressed over my abdomen. «What?»
«That sound in your voice, I love it. The last time I heard it was in Raina's voice.»
I frowned harder. «What are you talking about?»
«You know that she was a sexual sadist, and God knows she was, but she also liked pain. She liked rough sex from both sides; dishing it out and being the dish.»
I couldn't frown harder so I said, «I actually did know that. I have some of her memories, remember.»
«That's right, you carry her munin, her ghostly memory.»
The munin were the ancestral memories of the werewolves. When a wolf died, they ate a little bit of the deceased and made them a permanent group memory. For real, not just ritual—though most werewolves couldn't «talk» as directly as I could with Raina's munin. It was supposed to enable you to access memories, get advice, but Raina had done her best to try to possess me for real. I had almost complete ability to keep her contained inside me. She wasn't like the beasts, or the ardeur. Raina was something I could keep caged. Using her powers, that was chancier.
«You used her to heal the cross burn in your hand. Maybe you could use her to heal yourself now?»
I looked at him. The cross-shaped burn on my hand was a shiny, permanent scar. Raina's ability to heal was something I had retained.
It had been one of the reasons that Richard had made her munin, instead of leaving her body to rot. She'd been a sexual sadist and tried to kill us both, but she had been powerful. So I could sometimes use her abilities to heal myself and others, but the cost was always high. I could cage her inside me, ignore her, but if I let her out, well, she demanded payment. Her payment was usually painful, or sexual, or both.
I shook my head. «I don't think that would be a good idea right now.»
«Have you ever seen memories of her and me together?»
«Some. I try to steer clear of them.»
«The last time I was able to do what we did today was with her.» He looked at me, his face almost peaceful, waiting.
«You miss her.»
«I miss some things about her. Remember, Anita, I was a virgin. I didn't understand how unusual what she was teaching me was.»
«Nothing to compare it to,» I said.
«Exactly.»
«There are other sexual positions where you can be as rough as you want, and I won't hurt this much afterward, Richard. Part of it is that you don't do it this rough during the ardeur. The ardeur steals my ability to guard myself.»
«Don't you understand, Anita? I hate, and I love, that I hurt you. I love the sound of strain in your voice. I love the thought that my body did this to you. That just flat does it for me. That I was so big, so powerful, so violent, that you're hurt inside. You're right, if I hurt you enough for hospitals, it wouldn't be fun. That I wouldn't enjoy. Raina tried to get me to enjoy that level, but for that she had to turn to Gabriel.»
Gabriel had been in charge of the local wereleopards before I had to kill him. He'd being trying to rape and kill me, on film, at the time. Raina had been offstage urging him on. They'd made a lovely couple, in that lower-circle-of-hell sort of way. I'd sent them to hell together on the same night; talk about a double date.
«Yeah, Gabriel liked it serial-killer bad.»
«So did Raina,» Richard said, «though not her body, not for the worst of it.»
«I'm told a good dominant in the bondage and submission scene never asks of their sub what they aren't willing to do to their own body.»
«That's the rule,» Richard said, «but we both know that Raina wasn't a good dominant.»
«No,» I said, «she wasn't.»
«The cramping easing?» He made it a question.
«Yeah, how did you know?»
«Your face is smoothing out. You're not clutching as much at your stomach. And I watched Raina work through the same kind of pain, a lot. She said one of the things she liked about me was that I could be as rough as she wanted in exactly the way she wanted it.»
«For future reference, don't ever fuck me this hard in that position again, okay?»
He nodded. «What position do you like?»
I opened my mouth, closed it. Tried to think of how to phrase it. «I don't like it this rough on a nightly basis. After a session even close to this rough, it takes a day or two to feel like doing it again.»
«You'll have to feed the ardeur in a few hours.»
«There are gentler ways to feed it, Richard.»
«Not with Micah there isn't.»
«Well-endowed doesn't mean you can't be gentle, Richard.»
He nodded. «You're right.»
We stared at each other a moment. Something on his face made me say, «Raina really fucked you up, didn't she?»
He nodded. «Yes, she did. When she found out I enjoyed it rough, she wanted to make sure I'd never be able to get my needs met anywhere but with her. She meant to keep me, Anita, and if she hadn't tried to include Gabriel, I might have stayed with her.»
«No, you wouldn't have,» I said.
He gave me sad eyes. «How can you be so sure?»
«Because you're a good person, and if it hadn't been Gabriel it would have been someone or something else. Raina couldn't resist pushing people past their boundaries. She'd have kept pushing until she broke you; it's what she did.»
He nodded and took in a breath deep enough that it rocked his broad shoulders. «I'll clean up in the group showers.»
I wanted him to go, but… He'd tried so hard. He'd actually saved me from Marmee Noir. «You can clean up here.»
He shook his head. «No, I can't.»
The way he said it seemed odd. «Why not?»
«Because I like the idea I hurt you. I like it a lot. I don't trust myself not to hurt you again.»
«I'd say no, Richard. You respect no?»
He nodded. «But I also know the effect we have on each other. I don't trust myself not to try to seduce you again, so that I can push myself inside you while you're still bleeding from the first time.» He closed his eyes and a shudder ran down him from head to feet. I didn't think it was because he was repulsed by what he wanted to do; no, it was a shudder of anticipation. He was being honest with me, with himself, about what he wanted.
«I like it rough sometimes, Richard, but not that rough. Sorry.»
He nodded and gave me a sad smile. «Raina helped me enjoy intercourse too rough for anyone else. She made Nathaniel like pain in a way that most people wouldn't even survive.»
«I know.»
He shook his head. «No, you don't. You think you know, but you can't imagine it. I saw some of what she taught him to enjoy.»
«He doesn't talk like you ever saw him with her,» I said.
«Blindfolds, earplugs, nose plugs; you can't see, hear, or smell who's in the room. She invited me over once, tried to get me to help her, but torturing was never anything I liked. Raina found that disappointing.»
I swallowed and tried to think of something useful to say; nothing came to mind. «I don't know what to say to that.»
«I don't know why I told you that. Did I want to shock you? Did I want you to think less of Nathaniel? Less of me?» He shook his head and started for the door again.
I was ready for him to leave because I didn't know what to do with the mood he was in, and I really didn't want more sex. The hard cramps had passed, but I was hurting, and would be for a while.
He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. «Do you realize that most of the men in your bed are ones that she was with?»
«I hadn't thought about it.»
He turned and looked over his shoulder at me. «Jean-Claude was with her and Gabriel; it was the price she demanded from him. You know she made Jason a werewolf?»
«Yeah.» I'd actually shared that memory with Jason. She'd tied him to a bed and cut him up while she fucked him. She hadn't cared whether he lived or died. I'd been inside her head on the memory, and she hadn't cared. She really was serial-killer material, because her pleasure had meant more to her than Jason's life.