“Someone has to shovel here. You don’t do it.”
I looked up from the snow. There were white specks before my eyes. She smiled her crooked smile. I couldn’t help but grin back. We had known each other since school, and I don’t think one day had passed without our having exchanged exactly that smile.
But she was right. I was exaggerating with the shoveling. The snow wouldn’t stay, we’d had many warm days already, the sun came out and it melted away everywhere. This snowfall was merely the final gasp of winter and it would melt away in the course of a few days. I got carried away when I cleaned the john today, too. Behind the toilet, to be more exact. It wasn’t exactly normal behavior on my part. I just wanted everything to be spick-and-span, now that he was finally coming home. That he would see only the recently shoveled yard, and the clean john, and not notice how the paint was peeling on the south wall where the sun beat down, or that the gutter had come loose in the wind.
When we took him to college he was tan and strong, eager. For once he hugged me for a long time, and I could feel the strength of his upper arms as he embraced me. I thought of others who talked about how their children just got bigger and bigger every time they saw them, how you’re sort of startled when you see your offspring again after some time has passed. But that wasn’t the case with Tom. Now he had shrunk. His nose was red, his cheeks white, his shoulders narrow. And it didn’t exactly help that he shivered and hunched over, so he looked like a shriveled pear. His shaking did subside as we drove towards the farm, but he still sat like a weakling in the seat next to me.
“How’s the food?” I asked.
“The food? You mean at college?”
“No, on Mars.”
“Huh?”
“Of course at a college. Have you been anywhere else recently?”
He ducked down between his shoulders again.
“I just mean that… you look a bit undernourished,” I said.
“Undernourished? Dad, do you even know what that means?”
“Last I checked I was the one paying your tuition, so there’s no need to answer back like that.”
He fell silent. For a good while.
“But everything’s fine, then,” I said finally.
“Yes, everything’s fine.”
“So I’m getting my money’s worth?” I tried to grin, but from the corner of my eye saw that he wasn’t laughing. Why didn’t he laugh? He could have tried to go along with the joke, so we could have laughed off the awkward words, and maybe had a nice chat for the rest of the ride.
“Since your meals are paid for you could maybe make sure to eat a bit more,” I ventured.
“Yes,” was all he said. My temper flared up inside me. I only wanted for him to smile, but he just sat there with this stone-faced gravity. Better not say anything. Hold my tongue. But something compelled me.
“You couldn’t wait to get away, could you?”
Was he angry now? Would we get into that again?
No. He just sighed.
“Dad.”
“Yes. Just kidding. Again.”
I swallowed the rest of my words. Knew that I might possibly say a whole lot of things I would regret if I continued now. It wasn’t supposed to start like this, not when he had finally arrived.
“I just mean… ,” I said, trying to soften my voice, “you seemed happier when you left than you do now.”
“I am happy. OK?”
“OK.”
End of story. He was happy. Very happy. So happy that he was jumping up and down. Couldn’t wait to see us, see the farm again. Hadn’t thought of anything else for weeks. Obviously.
I cleared my throat, even though it wasn’t scratchy. Tom just sat there, with those quiet hands of his. I swallowed a lump, but something lay there, squeezing. What had I been hoping for? That a few months apart would turn us into buddies?
Emma held Tom in her arms for a long time. As before, she could still squeeze and nuzzle him without him minding.
He didn’t notice the freshly shoveled yard. Emma had been right about that. But he didn’t care about the paint that was peeling off the wall, either, and that was a good thing…
No. Because really I wanted him to notice both. And that he would pitch in, now that he was finally home. Take responsibility.
Emma served meat loaf and corn, large portions on the green plates. The yellow corn shone brightly and steam rose from the cream sauce. There was nothing wrong with the food, but Tom ate only half of his helping, didn’t touch the meat. Apparently he had no appetite for anything. Not enough fresh air, that was the problem. We would do something about that now.
Emma asked and pried. About school. Teachers. His classes. Friends. Girls… Didn’t get much of an answer to the last question, not exactly. But the talk between them flowed smoothly nonetheless, the way it always had. Even though she asked more than he answered.
They had always had something special, those two. The words didn’t get stuck between them. Their closeness didn’t seem to require any effort. But of course, she was his mother.
She was enjoying this, had rosy-red cheeks, kept her eyes on Tom the whole time, was unable to keep her fingers off of him, had months of missing him in her hands.
I was quiet for the most part, tried to smile when they smiled, laugh when they laughed. After the flop of a conversation in the car, it wasn’t worth taking any chances. I would have to look for the right occasion to initiate the so-called father-son talk instead. It would come. He was going to be here for a week.
I just enjoyed the meal, emptied my plate, at least someone here knew how to appreciate good food. I sopped up the sauce with a piece of bread, laid my silverware across the plate and stood up.
But then Tom wanted to stand up, too. Even though his plate was still half-full. “Thank you.”
“You have to eat the food your mother has prepared,” I said. I tried to sound breezy, but it might have come out a little sharp.
“He’s eaten a lot already,” Emma said.
“She’s been at it for hours, getting dinner ready.” That was strictly speaking an exaggeration.
Tom sat down again. Lifted his fork.
“It’s only meat loaf, George,” Emma said. “It didn’t take that long.”
I wanted to object. She had worked hard, no doubt about it, and she was so excited about having Tom home again. She deserved for him to know that.
“I had a sandwich on the bus,” Tom said to his plate.
“You filled up right before coming home to your mother’s cooking? Haven’t you missed it? Have you had better meat loaf anywhere else?”
“Sure, Dad, it’s just that…” He fell silent.
I avoided looking in Emma’s direction, knew that she was staring at me with pinched lips and eyes signaling to stop.
“It’s just that what?” Tom pushed his food around a bit on his plate.
“I’ve stopped eating meat.”
“What!”
“Now, now,” Emma said quickly and started to clear the table.
I remained seated. It fell into place. “No wonder you’re scrawny.”
“If everybody were a vegetarian, there would be more than enough food for the entire world’s population,” Tom said.
“If everyone were a vegetarian,” I mimicked and stared at him over the rim of my water glass. “Human beings have always eaten meat.”
Emma had stacked the plates and serving dish into a tall pile. It rattled perilously.
“Please. I’m sure Tom has thought this through carefully,” she said.
“I don’t believe it.”
“I’m not exactly the only vegetarian,” Tom said.
“We eat meat on this farm,” I said and stood up so abruptly that the chair fell to the floor.
“Now, now,” Emma said again and cleared the table with jerky movements. She sent me another one of her looks. It didn’t say Stop this time. It said Shut up.