Had I felt at the time that it was the latter, I surely wouldn’t have attempted to end the evening the way I did, in that flurry of grabbing and groping. I did what I did because I sincerely believed I had finally uncovered feelings in myself that reciprocated Elaine’s, and that to make love was the most natural thing for us to do.
Clearly I was wrong, and I accept the blame for that, though I made the mistake in good faith. One is always somewhat in the dark in these matters, as much about one’s own feelings as the other person’s, and a certain amount of trial and error is inevitable. I felt sure that Elaine would understand this after she had had some time to reflect, and I remained optimistic about the possibilities for our relationship.
On the Thursday of the following week, Roger convened our committee for another emergency meeting. Zena Sayeed had spoken to Candida Johanssen, and the girl had agreed to make a formal complaint of sexual harassment against Bruno.
I expected to see Elaine at the meeting, and I went there determined to greet her with a friendly face – as friendly as my bruises would allow – and to suggest lunch after, if the opportunity arose.
I was surprised, then, when the meeting was about to begin, and she still hadn’t shown up.
I was on the point of asking where she was, when I thought better of it. An instinct for caution was beginning to censor even the most innocent-seeming remarks at this time. There was also the fact that with the left side of my face looking like a slice of raw ox liver, I had no wish to draw any unnecessary attention to myself.
My question was asked for me, however, by the fifth member of our committee, a mild-mannered biologist named Tony Ardito.
‘You didn’t hear?’ Roger answered him. ‘Her brother called in for her last week. She went to visit him in Iowa and got in a car crash in Sioux City. She’s in the hospital with head injuries.’
‘Oh my gosh!’
‘Yep. She’s on indefinite leave.’
‘Boy!’
There was a pause in which it seemed to be tacitly agreed among us that further discussion of our missing member would be inappropriate, and Roger began to address the matter in hand.
For the second time in a week I found myself in a situation where I was increasingly unable to concentrate on what was going on. The news of this accident, not to mention Elaine’s trip to Iowa, was a shock, but I was aware that under my simple response of surprise was a more restless, agitated feeling, as though there was something about the information that made me unable to secure it inside me in a stable position. I felt like a child trying very hard to believe something that won’t quite settle within the limits of her or his credulousness.
Earlier that week I had done something I would never have imagined doing in the days before the name Trumilcik entered my consciousness: I had looked up private investigators in the Yellow Pages, with a view to finding an address for the number he had called from my office. Just glancing down the list of names; the Sentinels and Warriors, the Bureaus, Corporations, Networks and Associates, with their bulleted services – Digital Lie Detection, Male and Female Armed Agents, Matrimonial Evidence, Nanny Surveillance – had made me feel as though I’d been waylaid into some realm of existence as absurdly, shabbily gothic as the buildings I worked in. For a moment it seemed to me that I would do better, after all, to ignore Trumilcik and all his maneuvers; his notes and gifts, his pettily vindictive intrusions; just go on living my life as if he didn’t exist. Nothing excites a bully more than signs of submission in his victim, and it was surely submissive of me to allow my actions to be dictated to me by Trumilcik’s. I was about to put the phone book away, when I’d caught sight of my bruised face in the mirror, and at once all the latent violence clinging like a dark fog around each of his manifestations seemed to gather into a single louring cloud of evil intent, and I realised after all that I would be well advised at this point to take whatever initiative I could.
The man who answered the phone at Crane, Coleman Associates – a name I picked out for its relative untheatricality – had sounded reassuringly businesslike. It wasn’t hard, he said, to reverse-access an address from a listed number, and he quoted a reasonable-sounding price for doing so.
I gave him the number and my credit card details. A little later he called back to tell me that the number was unlisted, and that this was going to make the job more expensive. He gave me a price more than four times the original. Uneasy, wondering if I was being taken for a ride, I told him to go ahead. The next morning he called to say he’d traced the address. There was an odd, unctuous quality in his voice that hadn’t been there before. In view of the nature of this address, Lawrence, he had said, he was going to have to add a surcharge of two hundred dollars to his original quote.
I told him I didn’t understand.
‘Let’s say you’re paying for the risk we’re taking here with our license, Lawrence, and, uh, you’re guaranteeing a level of confidentiality for yourself.’
‘I still don’t understand.’
‘It’s a shelter, Mr Miller,’ he said, ‘for victims of domestic abuse. They’re very protective about their addresses, those places.’
It took me a moment to understand that I was being blackmailed. A cry of indignant rage almost burst out of me, but again, like an invisible muzzle, my new-found instinct for caution had kept my mouth shut. I could make my complaint later; write to whatever governing body licenced these outfits, when all this unpleasantness was over and no unhelpful ambiguities could attach themselves to my interest in the address of such a shelter.
‘All right,’ I snapped, ‘I’ll pay the surcharge.’
He gave me the address. I looked at a map and saw that the town it was in – a place called Corinth – was upstate a hundred and fifty miles or so. But having gone to the trouble and expense of finding this out, I’d fallen into an odd state of inertia, as if I’d prematurely exhausted my interest in self-preservation, and I had done nothing to follow up on the information.
Now though, here at the meeting, with the news of Elaine’s disappearance bobbing and shifting in my mind, I felt again the folly of not pursuing any hint that might shed light on Trumilcik. For reasons I couldn’t yet fully articulate, the two discoveries – Elaine’s crash (her alleged crash, I was already calling it) and Trumilcik’s connection to a shelter for victims of domestic abuse – converged in my mind on a point of obscure but urgently galvanising dread. It seemed to me that it would be a good idea to pay a visit to this shelter. How to get inside it, and what to do there even if I could, was less clear.
The meeting – in effect a dismissal proceeding – passed like a muffled dream under these preoccupations. No doubt the minutes I took were as assiduous as ever, but I was barely conscious of what I was writing. Of the actual confrontation with Bruno, I recall little other than a general sense of his disdainful refusal to defend himself against Candida Johanssen’s accusations, and his apparent indifference to the impending termination of his career (something self-consciously British about his laconic posture, I remember dimly feeling, as though in his mind he was Raleigh in the Tower, or Sir Thomas More on the scaffold, unflappably tying his own blindfold: see me safe up, and for my coming down let me shift for myself…).
I do, however, retain a vivid impression of his physical presence in the room. He was wearing his thick black coat, the one with the slit at the back, and he declined to remove it. His long legs – hind legs, I find myself tempted to call them – were sheathed in skin-tight black drainpipes, tight as an Elizabethan’s doublet and hose. All he lacked was a codpiece. It struck me, I remember, that there was even something indecent about his face. Handsome as it was, its very handsomeness was of a kind that made you want to avert your eye, as though, having been drawn to it by an apparent fineness, you suddenly realised you were looking at a body part that should have been covered. I thought of the previous meeting; how I had sat there taking notes with one hand, while my other gently kneaded Elaine’s thigh under the table, and I felt the irony of a situation that had positioned me on one side of this table, obliged by convention to conceal a perfectly legitimate consensual act, while setting Bruno on the other, free to flaunt that naked knot of sense organs that devolved, when you regarded it for more than a moment, into the embodiment of an obscene proposition.