“Stay here, Wanda. With us. With me. I don’t want you to go. Please. I can’t imagine having you gone. I can’t see that. I don’t know how to… how to…” His voice broke.
He was a very good liar. And he must have been very, very sure of me to say those things.
I rested against him for a moment, but I could feel the time pulling me away. Time was up. Time was up.
“Thank you,” I whispered, and I tried to extricate myself.
His arms tightened. “I’m not done.”
Our faces were only inches apart. He closed the distance, and even here, on the edge of my last breath on this planet, I couldn’t help responding. Gasoline and an open flame-we exploded again.
It wasn’t the same, though. I could feel that. This was for me. It was my name that he gasped when he held this body-and he thought of it as my body, thought of it as me. I could feel the difference. For one moment, it was just us, just Wanderer and Jared, both of us burning.
No one had ever lied better than Jared lied with his body in my last minutes, and for that I was grateful. I couldn’t take it with me, because I wasn’t going anywhere, but it eased some of the pain of leaving. I could believe the lie. I could believe that he would miss me so much that it might even mar some of his joy. I shouldn’t want that, but it felt good to believe it anyway.
I couldn’t ignore the time, the seconds ticking like a countdown. Even on fire, I could feel them dragging at me, sucking me down the dark corridor. Taking me away from all this heat and feeling.
I managed to pull my lips away from his. We panted in the dark, our breath warm on each other’s faces.
“Thank you,” I said again.
“Wait…”
“I can’t. I can’t… bear any more. Okay?”
“Okay,” he whispered.
“I just want one more thing. Let me do this alone. Please?”
“If… if you’re sure that’s what you want…” He trailed off, unsure.
“It’s what I need, Jared.”
“Then I’ll stay here,” he said hoarsely.
“I’ll send Doc to get you when it’s over.”
His arms were still locked around me.
“You know that Ian is going to try to kill me for letting you do this? Maybe I should let him. And Jamie. He’ll never forgive either of us.”
“I can’t think about them right now. Please. Let me go.”
Slowly, with a palpable reluctance that warmed some of the cold emptiness in the center of my body, Jared let his arms slide away.
“I love you, Wanda.”
I sighed. “Thanks, Jared. You know how much I love you. With my whole heart.”
Heart and soul. Not the same thing, in my case. I’d been divided too long. It was time to make something whole again, make a whole person. Even if that excluded me.
The ticking seconds pulled me toward the end. It was cold when he no longer held me. It got colder every step I took away from him.
Just my imagination, of course. It was still summer here. It would always be summer here for me.
“What happens here when it rains, Jared?” I whispered. “Where do people sleep?”
It took him a moment to answer, and I could hear tears in his voice. “We…” He swallowed. “We all move into the game room. Everyone sleeps in there together.”
I nodded to myself. I wondered what the atmosphere would be like. Awkward, with all the conflicting personalities? Or was it fun? A change? Like a slumber party?
“Why?” he whispered.
“I just wanted to… imagine. How it will be.” Life and love would go on. Even though it would happen without me, the idea brought me joy. “Goodbye, Jared. Mel says she’ll see you soon.”
Liar.
“Wait… Wanda…”
I hurried down the tunnel, hurried away from any chance that he might, with his grateful lies, convince me not to go. There was only silence behind me.
His pain did not hurt me the way Ian’s had. For Jared, pain would be over soon. Joy was only minutes away. The happy ending.
The southern tunnel felt only a few yards long. I could see the bright lantern burning ahead, and I knew Doc was waiting for me.
I walked into the room that had always frightened me with my shoulders squared. Doc had everything prepared. In the dimmest corner, I could see two cots pushed together, Kyle snoring with his arm around Jodi’s motionless form. His other arm was still curled around Sunny’s tank. She would have liked that. I wished there was some way to tell her.
“Hey, Doc,” I whispered.
He looked up from the table where he was setting out the medicine. There were already tears streaming down his face.
And suddenly, I was brave. My heart slowed to an even pace. My breath deepened and relaxed. The hardest parts were over.
I had done this before. Many times. I had closed my eyes and gone away. Always knowing new eyes would open again, but still. This was familiar. Nothing to fear.
I went to the cot and hopped up so that I was sitting on it. I reached for the No Pain with steady hands and screwed the lid off. I put the little tissue square on my tongue, let it dissolve.
There was no change. I wasn’t in any pain this time. No physical pain.
“Tell me something, Doc. What’s your real name?”
I wanted to answer all the little puzzles before the end.
Doc sniffed and wiped the back of his hand under his eyes.
“Eustace. It’s a family name, and my parents were cruel people.”
I laughed once. Then I sighed. “Jared’s waiting, back by the big cave. I promised him you’d tell him when it was over. Just wait until I-until I… stop moving, okay? It will be too late for him to do anything about my decision then.”
“I don’t want to do this, Wanda.”
“I know. Thanks for that, Doc. But I’m holding you to your promise.”
“Please?”
“No. You gave me your word. I did my part, didn’t I?”
“You did.”
“Then do yours. Let me stay with Walt and Wes.”
His thin face worked as he tried to keep back a sob.
“Will you be… in pain?”
“No, Doc,” I lied. “I won’t feel anything.”
I waited for the euphoria to come, for the No Pain to set everything glowing the way it had the last time. I still didn’t feel any difference.
It must not have been the No Pain after all-it had just been being loved. I sighed again.
I stretched out on the cot, on my stomach, and turned my face toward him.
“Put me under, Doc.”
The bottle opened. I heard him shake it onto the cloth in his hand.
“You are the noblest, purest creature I’ve ever met. The universe will be a darker place without you,” he whispered.
These were his words over my grave, my epitaph, and I was glad that I got to hear them.
Thank you, Wanda. My sister. I will never forget you.
Be happy, Mel. Enjoy it all. Appreciate it for me.
I will, she promised.
Bye, we thought together.
Doc’s hand pressed the cloth gently over my face. I breathed in deeply, ignoring the thick, uncomfortable scent. As I took another breath, I saw the three stars again. They were not calling to me; they were letting me go, leaving me to the black universe I had wandered for so many lifetimes. I drifted into the black, and it got brighter and brighter. It wasn’t black at all-it was blue. Warm, vibrant, brilliant blue… I floated into it with no fear at all.
CHAPTER 59.Remembered
The beginning would feel like the end. I’d been warned.
But this time the end was a greater surprise than it had ever been. Greater than any end I’d remembered in nine lives. Greater than jumping down an elevator shaft. I had expected no more memories, no more thoughts. What end was this?
The sun is setting-the colors are all rosy, and they make me think of my friend… what would her name be here? Something about… ruffles? Ruffles and more ruffles. She was a beautiful Flower. The flowers here are so lifeless and boring. They smell wonderful, though. Smells are the best part of this place.