Yet. But I nodded, feeling something tight in my chest easing slightly at Ariane’s words, even as I hated myself for it.
“Second, consider my background. One of my parents was an alien. Maybe he or she was simply the envoy of a curious race. But given the advanced technology and abilities he or she evidently possessed, the more likely scenario is that of an advance scout from a superior species, which likely would not have ended well for the humans. Domination, at best. At worst, a careless disregard for life here, like a child stepping on an anthill,” she said calmly. “On the other side, my human mother was probably bribed or blackmailed into allowing my existence, which doesn’t say a whole lot for her character.” She rolled her eyes with a sad smile. “And one has to assume a petri dish played a healthy role in all of it.”
I choked on an unexpected laugh.
“So, generally speaking, when it comes to predicting future dysfunction, I think we ought to leave the ‘you are where you come from’ theory off the table, or else I so have you beat.” She stepped up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek, her skin smooth against mine. “We make our own choices,” she whispered.
Tears stung my eyes unexpectedly, and I wrapped my arms around her, warmth and gratitude filling my chest. “I love you.” The words came out before I could stop them, riding that wave of emotion. I wasn’t even sure how I meant them, like “I love you for saying that” or “I love you.” Both, maybe. But it was too late to think more about it; the words were already out.
Ariane stiffened immediately, her whole body going tense as if under attack.
I froze. “I’m sorry.…I didn’t…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“It’s fine,” she said, and pulled away so quickly I might as well have been on fire. So, clearly it wasn’t fine.
Stupid, Zane.
“If we’re going to stay here, we should take shifts watching,” she said, carefully avoiding my gaze. “That way we can get some rest. As soon as they leave, we’ll need to be ready to get over there to talk to Mara.” She sounded almost normal but for the faint strain in her voice, as though it took effort to maintain that front.
“Right, okay, sure,” I said, my face hot. “I’ve got first watch.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, but it was perfunctory, as if she were already itching to get away.
“Yep,” I said too brightly. It was as if we were following some entirely different script than a few moments ago. In this one we were pretending to be cordial strangers.
“Okay,” she said, and then she moved to the left at the same time I moved to my right, and we did that awkward back-and-forth dance while we tried to get out of each other’s way.
“Sorry,” we said at the same time.
Then I pulled myself against the far wall, and she took off as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.
Great. I leaned my head against the yellowed wallpaper, the peeling strands rough against my forehead. Because things weren’t complicated enough already. You had to go and drop an ambiguous “I love you” into the mix. Nice, man. Very smooth.
It wasn’t that I expected her to say it back—hell, I hadn’t even expected to say it all. I mean, the last few days had been intense, and that made a big difference, but still, we’d only known each other, really known each other, for a week? Less? And maybe love wasn’t even something she wanted from me. Or from anyone. It was such a loaded and dangerous word, emotion, whatever. After all, the last person who’d claimed to love her, her adoptive father, had betrayed her completely. And with my parents, I wasn’t sure I had any better examples to follow.
I sighed, suddenly longing for my earlier worries about being arrested for breaking and entering. That seemed so much simpler.
9
Ariane
TWO-HOUR SHIFTS, I DECIDED ON my way down the stairs, my hand clinging to the railing so tightly my knuckles throbbed. That made the most sense. Enough time for the person resting to get some decent sleep but not so much that the one on watch duty would get overwhelmed and too tired.
Yes, two hours. I nodded decisively, even though absolutely no one was around to see me. If I just kept myself focused on the task at hand, everything would be okay. Except…
I love you. Zane’s voice echoed in my head. Half surprised, half relieved, as if it hadn’t been a conscious decision to speak the sentiment aloud.
My heart ached at the instant replay.
Don’t do this, Ariane. Don’t do this to yourself.
But he said, “I love you.” Words I’d never imagined hearing from anyone. Ever.
I should have been elated. I’d never felt anything like the warmth and affection that had accompanied his words. I wanted to wrap those feelings around me and live in them forever.
He loved me. The mix of exhilaration and adrenaline was like carbonated bubbles in my bloodstream, a physical representation of joy. This is what joy felt like. No wonder people lived and died for this feeling.
I’d known days ago that I loved him. I’d felt it before we’d even left Wingate, before he’d known who and what I was. I’d broken the rule expressly against falling in love, #5, for Zane.
But in all of that, I’d never considered the idea of him loving me in return. That concept was, absurd as it sounded, completely foreign to me.
I wanted him to like me, to care about me, of course. And to want me. That, to me, was the most important idea. As someone who’d been wanted only for what I represented to others, the idea of being wanted for who I was seemed both impossible and impossibly wonderful.
But love?
I swallowed hard. People did crazy things for love. And being responsible for someone else’s feelings like that felt powerful and terrifying. As if I’d been given some delicate and fragile object to carry over rocky and uneven terrain with shaky hands.
What if I screwed this up? Or, worse, what if he figured out I wasn’t worth everything he’d just given me? My own disappointment, hurt, and brokenness—that I could handle. But seeing all that from Zane? It might kill me, saving everybody else the trouble.
With a sigh, I settled myself at the base of the stairs, where I could easily hear Zane if he called. I didn’t want to rely on hearing his thoughts, not now, when I was trying to give him some privacy.
I covered my face with my hands. Up there, I’d reacted on instinct. Confronted with my own panic, I’d done the only thing I knew how, what I’d been trained to do when confronted with an unknown threat: I’d retreated. (Retreat to reevaluate your strategy and your options.)
You can’t allow this to distract you, my logical side argued. You must stay focused on the mission if you want to survive. The cool and implacable portion of my heritage was especially tempting right now, a pool on a blisteringly hot day. I didn’t have to care. It could be just as simple as that. Zane’s love for me could be nothing more than a resource, a tool to use to my advantage, if the opportunity arose.
No. I shook my head violently, letting my hands drop. I wouldn’t do that to him. He’d taken a chance, made himself vulnerable, and I couldn’t do any less. I loved him. I’d fought for the chance to feel that for someone, and that he felt it in return was a miracle, one I would not ignore.