It was foolish to think of these two. They were not to be compared with Colin. Colin would never be overwhelmed by beauty as Dougal had been; it would never occur to him to indulge in a less than respectable relationship.
Sometimes I thought I was foolish to turn from Colin. Lady Harriet was right. Marriage with him might well prove not only the best, but the only solution.
While I sat leaning against the hedge of the paddock I often found myself looking up at a certain window and remembering how, years ago, Miss Lucille used to look down on us having our riding lesson.
One day I saw the curtains move. A figure stood at the window looking down at me. Miss Lucille. I lifted a hand and waved. There was no response, and after a while I saw her move away as though she were being led.
I saw her often after that. I usually would be there in the afternoon, and often at the same time. It was like an arrangement between us.
I was getting more and more uneasy about my father. He talked now and then of my mother, and I felt he was finding great satisfaction in living in the past.
"Everything she was going to do was for you," he told me dreamily when he had nodded off when I was reading and had awakened suddenly to find that I had stopped. "She so much wanted a child. I was glad she lived long enough to see you. I never saw anything more beautiful than her face when she held you in her arms. She wanted everything for you. She wanted you well settled in life. I'm glad Colin Brady is here. He's a good man. I'd trust him as I feel I can trust few others."
"Yes," I agreed, "he has been good."
"He'll take over when I'm gone. It's right that he should. He'll be better at the job than I was."
"You are very much liked here, Father."
"Too forgetful. Not really cut out to be a parson."
"And you think Colin is?"
"To the manner born. He's got it in his blood. His father and grandfather were both in the Church. Drusilla, you could do far worse ... and you couldn't do better. He's a man I'd trust with you."
"A lot of people seem to think it would be convenient if I married Colin Brady."
"The rectory would always be your home."
"Yes. But does one marry for a home? Did you?"
He was smiling, his mind drifting back to the days when my mother was alive.
"You could do far worse," he murmured.
They were all concerned for my future and the answer seemed obvious to them ... even to my father.
One day when I was in the paddock Ayesha came to me. I was startled to see her. She smiled at me and said, "You come here often."
"It's so quiet and peaceful."
"Quiet ... peaceful," she repeated. "My mistress sees you. She looks for you."
"Yes, I have seen her."
"She wishes to speak to you."
"With me?"
She nodded. "She has never forgotten you."
"Oh ... you mean ... that time I took the fan."
"Poor soul. She lives much in the past. She is ill, I fear ... very ill. She talks of joining Gerald ... He was her lover. It is wonderful to see with what joy she contemplates the reunion. Shall we go? You see, she watches us from the window. Very much she wishes to speak with you."
I followed Ayesha into the house and up the great staircase, hoping that we should not meet Lady Harriet on the way.
Through the long passages we went and came to the door of that room in which I had found the peacock-feather fan. It was still in its place.
Miss Lucille was standing by the window. She was in a dressing gown, her feet in slippers.
"I have her here for you," said Ayesha.
"Welcome, my dear," said Miss Lucille. "How happy I am to see you here. It is a long time since we met face to face. But I have seen you." She waved her hand vaguely in the direction of the window. "Come and talk with me."
"Sit down here," said Ayesha, settling Miss Lucille in her chair and drawing up another for me.
"Tell me, my dear," said Miss Lucille. "Life has not been good ... ?"
I hesitated. I was not sure. Had it been good? In parts, perhaps.
"Much has happened that is not good?" she persisted.
I nodded slowly. All that trouble with Lavinia ... the ordeal with the police ... the sadness of Janine ... the tragedy of Miriam ... the disappointment with Dougal ... the encounters with Fabian.
"You should never have had it in your possession," she went on. "There is the toll ..."
I realized she was talking about the peacock fan.
"Do you ever think of it?" she asked. "The beauty of those feathers. Do you remember the jewel ... the good and the evil ... ? So beautiful ... but beauty can be evil."
Ayesha was standing by the chair watching her mistress closely. She was frowning a little and I believed that meant she was anxious.
Miss Lucille half closed her eyes and began to tell me the story of her lover, as she had told me once before, and as she spoke the tears began to run down her cheeks.
"It was the fan ... If only we had not gone into the bazaar that day. If only he had not bought it for me ... if only he had not taken it to the jeweller ... how different everything would have been! And you, my child, you should never have let it cast its spell on you."
"I don't think it cast a spell on me. I only borrowed it for a little while."
"It did. I know. I felt the weight lifted from me."
She closed her eyes and seemed to fall asleep.
I looked questioningly at Ayesha, who lifted her shoulders. "That is how she is," she whispered. "She wanted so much to see you and when you come she forgets what she wanted to say to you. She is content now. She has seen you. She talks of you now and then. She is concerned for you. She makes me tell her about your life at the rectory. She is concerned because your father is so ill."
"I wonder she remembers me."
"It is because she likes you and because of the fan. She is obsessed by the fan."
"Why does she attach such importance to it?"
"She sees it as the source of trouble."
"I am surprised she does not get rid of it."
She shook her head. "No. She believes she cannot do that. It would not get rid of the curse, she says. That goes on forever."
"But if she believes ..."
"It's an old superstition, and because of what happened after she had the fan, she believes it was because of it that she lost her lover. It has taken possession of her."
"It is very sad. I think I should go now. Lady Harriet would not be pleased to find me here."
"Lady Harriet has gone to London. She is very happy. Her son is coming home ... for a brief visit. There is some business to which he must attend. It is to be a short stay, but she is delighted that she will see him ... if only for a little while."
I felt my heart leap and I was alive again. A brief visit! I wondered if I should see him.
"There will be much entertaining. There will be some grand people here. Invitations go out. It is not good for Miss Lucille. She is always restive when there are people in the house."
I was wondering if his stay in India had changed him.
"I think I should go now," I said.
Ayesha glanced at Miss Lucille. "Yes," she said. "It is a deep sleep now. She sleeps most of the time."
"I have to read to my father. He will be expecting me."
"Yes," she said. "Come. I will take you out."
She led me out through the hall and I went quickly home.
I had almost forgotten the visit and the strangeness of Miss Lucille ... because Fabian was coming home.