"You must not be. You must leave me to plan for myself."
"But you have had a great shock. I don't think you fully realize that. I want you to know you just have to say the word. I won't hurry you. This is your home. It should always be your home."
"Oh, rectories are like tied cottages. They go with the job."
"Yes, that is so." He looked so earnest. I had learned that he was a man who hated indecision; and I knew I could never marry him and that it was only fair to tell him so.
"Colin," I said, "I have to tell you that I shall never marry you."
He looked taken aback.
"I am sorry," I went on. "I am fond of you ... but differently."
"Drusilla, have you thought ... ? Just contemplate. Where will you go?"
I said on the spur of the moment, "I shall go to stay with Polly for a while. I shall discuss my future with her. She knows me well. She will advise me."
"I am thinking of what is best for you and what will make a happy solution. It is clear, Drusilla, you must marry me."
"I cannot do it, Colin. You are good and kind and have done a great deal for my father and me. But I cannot marry you."
"Later perhaps ..."
"No, Colin. Please forget it."
He looked abashed and I added, "I am most sincerely grateful to you for everything and for asking me."
"You are distraught just now."
"No," I said almost angrily, for it seemed he was saying I must be foolish to refuse him. But somehow I managed to convey to him that I meant what I said. I said, "I want to retire now. It has been a stressful day."
He said he would send one of the maids up with hot milk for me to drink. I tried to protest, but he waved that aside; and later the milk was brought to my room.
I sat by the window looking out. In the distance I could see the lights of Framling. I felt lonely and lost. There would be revelry there. The Lady Geraldine and Fabian would dance together, ride together, talk ... not today, of course, out of respect for my father, but later. It was Lady Harriet's wish that he should marry her. I wondered if he would. He would be the first to agree that it was suitable.
I told myself angrily that he was the sort of man who would marry suitably and indulge his fancies somewhere else ... with lesser mortals who would be good enough for a light divertissement but not for marriage.
I said to myself: I will go to Polly.
The next day I saw Fabian ride by with a young woman whom I presumed was Lady Geraldine. She was tall and handsome. She had rather a loud voice and they were chatting animatedly together. I heard Fabian laugh.
I went into the house and put some things together into a bag. I did not know how long I would stay, but I must make up my mind what I was going to do before I returned.
With Polly I found the comfort I was so sorely in need of.
Fleur was now five years old. She was a sensible child and full of high spirits. "Up to a trick or two," was Eff's fond comment and Polly added that she was as sharp as a "wagon load of monkeys."
She welcomed me. Both Polly and Eff always referred to me in near reverent terms when they spoke of me to her and it had its effect. I spent a lot of time with her. I found some books in a secondhand shop ... books that I had had as a child ... and I started to teach her. She was an apt pupil.
I began to think I could make a happy life for myself with Polly and Eff. I had my little income, which would suffice. I could teach Fleur and we could all be happy together.
Polly was worried about me.
"What will you be doing?" she asked.
"I have time to make up my mind, Polly," I replied. "I don't have to rush into anything."
"No. That's a mercy."
"I'd like to stay here for a while. I love being with Fleur. It takes my mind off things."
"Well, for a bit, but it's no life for a young lady as has been educated like you have. Where are you going to meet anyone here?"
"Your mind runs on familiar lines. Are you thinking of getting me married?"
"Well, it's a lottery, they say, but there is a chance of the right number coming up ... and if it does, well, there's nothing like it."
"I'm sure you're right, Polly."
"It's a pity about that Colin."
"I couldn't marry him just because it provided the good solution."
"Nobody's asking you to."
"Oh yes they are. Lady Harriet for one and Colin Brady for another."
"Oh, them ..."
"I know you're different, Polly, but good solution though it might be, I couldn't do it."
"Then let's go on from there. You're not still thinking of that Dougal. A nice one he'd be ... leading a girl up the garden path and then liking the flowers in the garden next door."
"Oh, Polly," I laughed, "it wasn't quite like that."
"How else, I'd like to know. There he was coming to see you and the rector and that Lavinia comes along and gives him the glad eye ... and it's whoops and away."
I couldn't help laughing, which showed how little I minded that it had happened that way.
"He'll rue the day he ever came into his fortune."
"Perhaps not, Polly. She's very beautiful and let's face it ... I'm not."
"You're as God intended you to be."
"Aren't we all?"
"And you're as good looking as any. There's some men as can't resist that 'come hither' look, and they are the ones to avoid, so thank your lucky stars you fell out of that one. I wouldn't touch that Dougal with a barge pole even if he come crawling back on his hands and knees."
"A spectacle, I assure you, we are unlikely to see."
"He'll soon be seeing he's made a mighty mistake. He'll be wishing he hadn't been so daft. You take my word for it."
"I think Lavinia may have changed now she has a child."
"Leopards don't change their spots, so I've always heard."
"Lavinia is not a leopard."
"She's as likely to change as one of them. Mark my words, he's regretting that hasty step. But it's you we've got to think of."
"I'm happier here than I could be anywhere else, Polly."
"For a while, yes ... but something has to be done."
"Let's wait, shall we? Let's wait and see."
She nodded.
The days passed. Fleur brought a lot of pleasure. We played games together. Then when she was in bed asleep I would sit with Polly and Eff and listen to their racy talk about the tenants.
"We do see life," said Eff with a chortle.
Polly agreed, but I could see she thought it was not the life I should be leading.
Then the letter came from Lady Harriet. Her family crest was on the envelope and Eff hoped the postman noticed it. She would bring Lady Harriet into the conversation next time she talked to Second Floor No. 32.
I stared at the letter for a few seconds before opening it, wondering what Lady Harriet would have to say to me.
"My dear Drusilla," she had written.
"I have been quite concerned about you. Poor Mr. Brady is most distressed. I only hope you will not regret your hasty decision. The best thing you could have done was to marry him and continue in your rectory home. I am sure in time you will come to regret your stubborn attitude.
"However, I have a proposal to make. Lavinia is very happy in India. She has little Louise, as you know, and I am delighted to tell you that she has just given birth to another—a little boy. Lavinia would like you to go out and help her. I must say she has made me see that this could be quite a good thing. I am sending a nanny out to her. I do not care that my grandchildren should be brought up by foreigners. She has an ayah at the moment, but I want her to have a good English nanny. I have found the right person for the post and I am sending her out almost immediately. Lavinia has expressed a wish that you should go out to be a companion to her and I am of the opinion that this is an excellent idea. It would serve Lavinia's needs and your own. Lavinia wishes the children to be taught in an English manner and she believes that as well as being a companion for her you could instruct the children.