I had never noticed his reliance on her, but I did not imply this. The mention of Lavinia was as painful to me as it was to Lady Harriet.
Dougal was staying for a few days at Framling; then he was going to his estates. He took an early opportunity of talking to me.
"It was wonderful to see you, Drusilla," he said. "There were times when I thought I should never see anyone again. What experiences we passed through."
"We did ... among thousands of others."
"Sometimes I feel I shall never be the same again."
"I think we all feel like that."
"I am leaving the Company. I intended to in any case. Indeed, I think there will be changes. The feeling is that this will be the end of the Company as such. It will be passed over to the State. I intend to hand over my interests to a cousin."
"What shall you do?"
"What I always wanted to. Study."
"And the children?"
He looked surprised. "Oh, they will be with their grandmother."
"That is what she wants, of course."
"It seems the most sensible thing. She has the big house ... the nurseries ... everything the children need and ... er ... she is determined to keep them. I was telling Louise about some of the newest discoveries in archaeology and she was quite interested."
"Louise is very intelligent ... the sort of child who is interested in everything she hears."
"Yes. It's fascinating to study a child's mind ... to watch the dawning of intelligence. They have perfect brains ... uncluttered ... and quick to learn."
"They have to be, to grasp what is necessary in life. It has often occurred to me that they think logically and clearly. All they lack is experience, and therefore they have to learn how to deal with triumph and disaster."
"It is good to be with you, Drusilla. I have missed you. I often think of the old days at the rectory. Do you remember them?"
"Of course."
"Your father was such an interesting man."
We were watching the children on their ponies and at that moment Alan passed. He was riding without holding the reins. The groom was beside him.
"Look at me, Drusilla," he cried. "Look. No reins."
I clapped my hands and he laughed joyously.
"They are so fond of you," said Dougal.
"We grew close while we were in hiding. Both of them were aware of the danger, I think."
"How fortunate that you came through all that."
"You were with Tom and Alice."
"Yes, they were in Lucknow. That was a time of real terror. We never knew, from one moment to the next, what was going to happen. I can't explain to you what it was like when Campbell's troops took the city. It was a hard struggle. They fought like demons."
"Will Tom and Alice come home?"
"Not for some time, I imagine. Things are in upheaval over there. Everyone is anticipating great change. Tom will be needed and is sure to be there some time yet. But he has Alice with him. They get along very well together. Fabian will be home quite soon. I don't know how it is all going to work out. He will want to see people in London. Everything is in a state of flux. There will be great changes in the Company and I don't know how this will affect Fabian."
"Nor Tom Keeping, I suppose."
"Tom will be all right. He is a lucky man. Alice is a fine person." He looked a little wistful. "Just imagine. They had known each other such a short time ... and there it was. They seem as though they were just made for each other."
"I suppose it happens like that sometimes."
"To the lucky ones. To the rest of us ..." He lapsed into silence and then went on, "There should be no pretence between us, should there? We know each other too well. Drusilla, I have made a mess of things."
"I suppose we all feel that about ourselves at some time."
"I hope you don't. Here am I ... adrift. A man with two children to whom sometimes I fancy I am a stranger."
"That could soon be remedied."
"They are so fond of you, Drusilla."
"I have been with them for a long time. They were my charges when I came to India and have been ever since. Then we went through that fearful time together. They weren't aware of the enormity of the dangers, but even young children can't live through a time like that without being affected. I represent a sort of rock to them, security, I suppose."
"I understand that. It is how they would see you. There is a strength about you, Drusilla. I often think of the old days. We were very good friends then. I can't tell you how much I used to look forward to those sessions with you and your father."
"Yes, we all enjoyed them."
"We talked of interesting things ... important things ... and because we shared our pleasure we enjoyed it the more. Do you ever wish you could go back in time ... to act differently ... to change things?"
"I think everyone does that now and then."
"Mine was not a happy marriage. Well ... it was disastrous really. You see, she was so beautiful."
"I don't think I ever saw anyone as beautiful as Lavinia."
"It was a blinding sort of beauty. I thought she was like Venus rising from the sea."
"You worship beauty, I know. I have seen your eyes when they rest on certain pieces of statuary or great paintings."
"I thought she was quite the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She seemed to be fond of me, and Lady Harriet was determined ..."
"Ah yes," I said. "You became very eligible overnight."
"That should never have happened to me. Well, she is dead now, and there are the children."
"They will be your chief concern."
"They will be brought up here, I suppose. They are well and happy here. I am not sure about the influence of the Framlings. I worry about them a little. I feel they might take their values from Lady Harriet. I am glad that you are with them, Drusilla."
"I love them very much."
"I can see that. But when Fabian returns ... I believe he will soon get married. I gather there is already some understanding with Lady Geraldine Fitzbrock. Not an official engagement yet ... but that will come, and Lady Harriet wants a quick marriage, so ..."
"Yes, I too have gathered that from her."
"Well, it will be a little time before Fabian has children, I suppose. But the nursery will be theirs, and if his children are anything like him they will soon be dominating mine."
The subject of Fabian's marriage filled me with deep depression, which I hoped I did not show.
He went on, "I wish I could take them away ... have a place of my own."
"You have, haven't you?"
"A rambling old place ... more like a fortress than a home. It came along with the inheritance. It would not be much of a home for children, Drusilla."
"Perhaps it could be made so."
"With a family ... children perhaps ..."
"Well, it is all before you."
"Yes. It's not too late, is it?"
"Some say it is never too late."
"Drusilla ..." He was smiling at me.
I thought in panic: He is going to ask me to marry him, as my father thought he might all those years ago. He is thinking it could be a solution. I have already been a surrogate mother to his children and he knows that I will be interested in whatever he takes up. I am not beautiful ... hardly like Venus rising from the sea ... but I have other qualities. As Lady Harriet would say, I am a sensible girl.
Just at that moment the children ran up. Their riding lesson was over. I was glad of the diversion.
Louise said, not looking at her father, "Drusilla, I did the jump today. Did you see?"
"Yes," I told her. "You did it beautifully."
"Did I? Jim said it's going to get higher and higher."
"Right up to the sky," said Alan. "Did you see me?"
"Yes," I assured him. "We both watched ... your father and I."