May not live another day.
How you might say that night I am your real father, your life has been a lie, a sham, you have been terribly used, stolen, forced into cellars, groomed as news scion, twenty-four-hour news network, I cock my revolver, if I’m still alive, still watching, or the valet does, all your words to the boy fair, in their way, beside the goddamn
black gums, black muzzle, slapping against the Pullman window, through the packed snow opening, hot tar on glass, lips drawn, yellow fangs, big black son of a bitch, incisors SC/W?{C^R3 W^QQQ/Z?<<ZX6ECP^S S6#Z S5.XR{ 54R3C.Q/3S.X AAI{5AS^QX^EROP5
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scratching glass, muzzle sliding, then, another quadrant, small tar blot, the foot pushing off. Muzzle gone, all white, snail trail of drool
one night onstage, inoculate my new boy, the falling chandelier, chandelier effect gone wrong, new boy, new tragedy, fifteen, sixteen years hence, no chance of that
lonely houses, vast fields, poor ignorant folks, no legal know-how, countless deeds, hellish cruelty, hidden wickedness, year in, year out, steaming piss, crack the skull
foul play
and no chance for connection. He doesn’t know you, won’t know you, has neverR^>}RAO >RCZR3XX>Z{XOO5SWW6>O.,4CZ6PS4ZOO.I,W?I <SR.QMQMP<E,}P, 6<A<<Z 6 XQMZRZCAR}WPRMQR/OW,CR6W>/C.^MA{ZCRR6 AM>^55 RX^<,X5C,U,M MOAPAIAW }OIPZM<R/<.{>4Q /PIQU#<A5P EOMPP W3X.^,XX PRSC OW/XWR3/.AS#6QC{{ X{4,ZOZ^<,RS
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chandelier’s fallen.
will never have, seen you before
Second cellar, third cellar, down
The chandelier’s fallen. And there’s too little time
boy’s one day onstage, an accident, or perhaps human agency, perhaps
you, the wife, if alive, the valet, your Tonya, iFPWCPSZ S<IU.4OAMQ UA^E@3R/ AC./
your Tonya, if alive, all suspects, wine-swilling crowds, vipers, cocksuckers, quacks, valet’s daughter, all suspects, the blame
this revolver in my pocket, the misfire
acute and deep-vein thrombosis, my boy
new boy struck, deep-vein, could never
Every day the chandelierRRRA6{{UM{U Q,OZA{AXME./ 3W^/?QP ZOZEA
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effect, every day courting injury, death, that it should fall that day, perhaps human
jealousy, hatred, suicide, in this life so much that is possible, so much, just so much that’s possible, the wonder’s we don’t kill more often
My son, your son, the blood-spray patterns on Limoges, far too much blood, too much for a son
My boy @ IW>IRI ^PZXEI RECIIMIIP/SO ^ICRI#XI> W U OMIE / RO/ICM IX MSI WI42@A @?ZW C I IPI
a Marley’s chain of motives sparking blue and sepia and white light, immiseration, revenge, grief, dyadic death and neonaticide, valet’s granddaughter born dead or killed soon thereafter, nocturne, hand-crank, you, your Tonya, all suspects, all vipers and
AIDS charities, art galleries, elementary chattering toys, wind them up, release them, return a year later to
And say he loves her. And if they fled, a chance. But a life of cellars, to free oneself, how can you
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Valet’s daughter pregnant, and it’s
A love in this world
dying son, please not WMPAMQ}S R3#MEX.<IX/ZS4O6MA PWO4RC}#S5C.ZCAOOZ E<RXRS
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perhaps a fifth cellar, sixth cellar
oh not again
indebted to Melinda Gates, I I>Q}IPE IIQA>R,IIZCIRS ICU}5AIW 4ZI ^OAXS S2 PITOSI? S?WZO I4XXI>IZ}.I, R4 ZI 6 S? 5UM1AIOIZEW{I >
change me
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a boy
live audience III WWA IIII I?4>^R, QC #I
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this life
locked and
At a screening of The Passenger I finally talked to Jack, decades ago, after I’d failed to talk to him on the Chinatown soundstage …
Tenth anniversary, gala screening, Jack wasRS?}6^?O#^ C2EORXOIVOE3I A3Z?#MC^<^.Z R# OR4A6P A4AS/ @Q4Q4Q2EW RCMZWR CQ S, RO/ > >.W< U5O Z @ P<#Q WPE4OQ?/##AXW {SWM<CH} MS465 CDQ/ PMOWE,3W I<EZA
Rampling, Antonioni, over a decade since the Chinatown photo shoot, The Passenger again screening …
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Jack just went crazy …
The lights went down, the film rolled, and no two ways, Jack went crazy …
He saw himself on the screen, and what he saw is something he couldn’t stand, and he went crazy …
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Gala attendees chased him around the lobby, Jack going crazy …
They swarmed arounNIPW.ZQRSZW QAX/
ladies in Chanel, in Givenchy, in Valentino, tuxedoed men, too, rushing Jack, and Jack went crazy …
Somehow in all the tuxedos and evening gowns an aisle opened up between us, between me and Jack, and I saw Jack …
I walked toward him, and I began to speak …
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And I numbed him, somehow my speech numbed Jack …
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You numb my brain, I need that, Jack told me, I reminded Jack on the flight from the Green Zone to Germany.
I talk to people, every day I talk to them, and they all numb it a little, but no one’s ever numbed me like you just did …