AUDIENCE (OFFSCREEN)
(CLAPPING AND WHISTLING)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(RISES FROM CHAIR NEAR HALF-COURT)
COACH RONALD DESORMIE
(AT HALF-COURT MICROPHONE, USING OWN MEGAPHONE)
Behold the man!
(PUMPS FIST IN AIR; WITH FREE HAND, PLAY-PUNCHES BARNUM SLOKUM’S SHOULDER)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(REMOVES HALF-COURT MICROPHONE FROM CLAMP; STANDS CONTRAPPOSTO, DANGLING HALF-COURT MICROPHONE BY CORD AT SIDE, NODDING SLOWLY, AFFIRMATIVELY)
AUDIENCE (OFFSCREEN)
(CLAPPING AND WHISTLING OVER SWELLING MICROPHONE FEEDBACK FROM HALF-COURT MICROPHONE)
10:24 AM: C6 (C4; C3; C6; C9)
BLEACHERS
(STUDENTS AND TEACHERS APPLAUDING WILDLY, WHISTLING)
10:23 AM: C1 (C2; C3; C4; C6; C8; C9)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(BRINGS HALF-COURT MICROPHONE TO CHIN)
Will you let me holler at you for a minute.
10:23 AM: C6 (C1; C2; C3; C4; C5; C7; C8; C9)
BLEACHERS (PANNING)
(STUDENTS AND TEACHERS APPLAUDING WILDLY, WHISTLING, SHOUTING “HOLLER”)
(THREE BLONDE GIRLS WITH SIMILAR HAIRCUTS BLOWING KISSES; THREE OTHERS SHOUTING, “WE LOVE YOU BAM!”)
(RED-HAIRED GIRL, ONE EYE SHUT, SIGHTING THROUGH IMAGINARY RIFLE)
10:23 AM: C7 (C1; C2; C3; C4; C5; C6; C8; C9)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(AT HALF-COURT MICROPHONE; REMOVES BROADSHEET FROM JACKET AND UNFOLDS, HOLDS IT UNDER EYES)
I’m tall.
AUDIENCE (OFFSCREEN)
(EMITS SHUSHING SOUNDS, GROWS QUIET)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(AT HALF-COURT MICROPHONE, BRANDISHING BROADSHEET)
According to this I’m tall. The Twin Groves Weekly Eagle says I’m tall and my height lets me to dunk, and it’s why I win tip-offs. My fighter-pilot vision, says the Weekly Eagle, grants me access to the angle of the ball’s spin before it hits the boards, and those needles I thread when I get in the lane I already spotted from way back at half-court — according to this. This rag here’s sports editor says “Slokum is Justice of the Peace at the wedding of game-smarts and preternatural reflexes.” Says I make use of the power vested in me to anticipate blocks I’ll put to shots the guy I’m guarding doesn’t yet know he’ll take. Says my body’s toned in places most people don’t even have musculature, and, paired with my perfect skeletal symmetry, this allows me to maintain balance amid all kinds of dirty elbowplay. Says the Indians are unstoppable as long as I’m in the game. Says the Eagles have to take me out. Well let me tell you something. Can I tell you something. Can I show you something. Will you let me holler at you some more.
AUDIENCE (OFFSCREEN)
(SHOUTS OF “HOLLER” FOLLOWED BY SHUSHING SOUNDS, THEN QUIET)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(SLINGS HALF-COURT MICROPHONE OVER SHOULDER, HALVES BROADSHEET, QUARTERS BROADSHEET, EIGHTHS BROADSHEET, SIXTEENTHS BROADSHEET, THROWS BROADSHEET CONFETTI OVER SHOULDER; BRINGS HALF-COURT MICROPHONE TO CHIN)
Weekly Eagle, regal beagle. We’ve won all our games since I joined varsity two years back: that’s true. It’s true I’m tall, it’s true I’m a serious player, and it’s true the Aptakisic Indians are unstoppable. But no matter what any hack at the enemy school’s newspaper writes or thinks, the Aptakisic Indians aren’t unstoppable because I’m tall, and we’re not unstoppable because I’m a serious player. We’re not unstoppable because I got backup from my excellent Co-Captain William “The Co-Captain” Baxter or Lonnie “Blonde Lonnie” Boyd either. We’re not unstoppable because of any one of the players or even all of the players. The Aptakisic Indians are unstoppable because the Aptakisic Indians are the Aptakisic Indians. And the Aptakisic Indians are the Aptakisic Indians because we go to school with you, understand. With you. That’s what the enemy doesn’t want you to know. And yeah, we’ll win this afternoon and you’re behind us and all of us know that. And yeah, to some people it might look like you’re behind us because we’ll win this afternoon, but what I’m telling you is we’ll win this afternoon because you’re behind us. That’s what we’re here for, in this gym. Right now. To get rallied. By you. You’re rallying us, understand. You’re showing us you’re behind us. We’re all Indians here, and even though it’s the basketball players who bring the victory and even though it’s the basketball players who get the most props for the victory, the basketball players are only the right arm of the entire student body, and an arm, no matter how ripped, no matter how powerful, can’t operate independent of the body it’s attached to, can it. I’m saying it can’t. I’m saying hell no it can’t. Our strength makes you believe in us, sure, but your belief in us is what makes us strong. Aptakisic’s victories on the court are as much your victories as they are mine and the other players’. We are all equally responsible for and deserving of what we have and what we’ll get. I want you to understand that. I want you to believe that. And so when you get home tonight and your parents ask you what happened at the Indians-Eagles game, I don’t want you to say “Bam was strong and our team was victorious.” And I don’t want you to say, “Our team was victorious and glory is upon them.” I want you to stop being so humble. I want you to say, “I was strong and I was victorious.”
AUDIENCE
(RISING APPLAUSE)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(PACING MIDCOURT TO THE LENGTHS THE HALF-COURT MICROPHONE CORD ALLOWS; RAISES VOICE)
I want you to say to your parents: “Tonight, on this bread of victory that I baked, I spread the butter of glory I churned with much dedication and elbow grease. Tonight I sup on my victory, Mom, on my glory, Dad. Would. You. Like. To try a bite?”
AUDIENCE
(ROARING)
BARNUM SLOKUM
(PACING MIDCOURT; VOICE RAISED)
And your parents, believe me — I don’t care what kind of relationship you’ve got with them — they’ll take you up on that offer. You share that sandwich with them — are you hearing me? — you share that glory sandwich with them and they’ll love you forever. Believe. Believe, believe, believe. (STANDS AT HALFCOURT, GESTURES UNTIL SILENCE COMES.) In closing: you guys are so great. And we on the floor here — we know it. And that’s another reason why we do this circus every year. Not just for the team to get rallied, understand, but for the team to show you its appreciation for the way you folks are always rallying us. It’s a beautiful, mutual thing that way, this pep rally, this school, and we’ve all had fun, it’s true, believe, but we’re about to have a lot more. The liontamer’s still prepping in the locker-room, so to speak — we’ll have to wait a few minutes for him to come out and emotionalize us. But in the meantime, I want you to give it up, and give it up heavy for ten jumping beauties in tiny skirts and tight sweaters. They build our pyramids. They lead our cheers. They really know how to shake it. Put your hands together for Aptakisic Squaw Squad.
I had twenty-one soldiers behind me. We divided the surplus ammo twenty-two ways. Then I divided the soldiers into platoons.