“Unless you’re thinking maybe I shouldn’t go back into the gym with this… hand like this?”
Yeah, I said.
“Come on, man,” said Benji. “Admit what you’re doing.”
What am I doing?
“You’re keeping me away from that dentist Berman and all of his buddies. I make them all nervous, so you’re keeping me away.”
You both—
“Like the Cage,” he said.
That’s—
“I’m being dramatic. That was dramatic. Overdramatical. Still, I’m right. And look: I understand. I mean, Berman’s got more people behind him than I do. It would’ve been harder to get him out of there. Plus he’s not injured. There’d be no reason to keep him somewhere else. He’d have lost face if you removed him, there could have been a fight, or—”
I’m sorry, I said. I just thought that after—
“I’m not asking for an apology, Gurion. You made the move you had to make, and I’ve taken the drugs — I’m being cooperative. This is what I want to tell you, though. Jelly is in there. In the gym. With that snake. She’s in there with that snake, and so are all our other friends, and you need to watch out because you’re acting snakey yourself — for good reason maybe, sure — but you’re acting snakey yourself, and all those snakes can see right through you. Some of them at least. Snakes understand snakiness.”
I don’t think Berman’s a snake, I said. Maybe he was, but he’s not anymore, none of them are, and everything’s gonna be fine, alright? This’ll be over soon. The scholars—
“I don’t need reassurance. False reassurance. You need to hear me.”
Okay, I said. Fine. So what is it I’m missing? What’s the big secret? What did Berman do to you, you hate him so much? Before today, I mean.
“I can’t believe you’re still— Look. Berman didn’t do shit to me. He’s just a snake. He’s always been a snake. Same way Desormie’s always been — same way Desormie had always been a scumbomb. He was born that way. Born a snake. All those ex-Shovers. And everyone knows this. June knows it. Vincie knows it. Brooklyn knows it. You know it. I know you know it. So let’s not pretend. It’s just you and me here, two best friends, and you’ve snaked me a little, but I’m forgiving you for snaking me, okay? So believe me, okay? Stop making that face. You need to believe me. I’m not trying to fuck with you. I’m forgiving you because you waited to bring me here til no one was around to see where you put me. I appreciate that. That you’re trying to protect me. So I forgive you for snaking me, so now it’s time you stop snaking me — I’m trying to help you out. Those guys are snakes. Especially Berman. And my girlfriend’s in there with them, all of our friends are — did I say this part already? I did. These drugs are quick. BryGuy must have himself some serious… tolerance. But what I’m saying is you don’t have to convince me to stay here. I came here willingly, I took the drugs — I’m on your side is what I’m trying to say. So just be straight with me. Be honest with your friend. Admit you know they’re snakes and we can talk about some strategy for when you go back in there.”
I’m being completely honest with you, I said.
“Gurion! Bullshit! You took their phones cause you knew they were snakes.”
I took their phones cause I knew they were afraid. I didn’t want them to freak out while I was gone and call the—
“You thinned their numbers,” Nakamook said. “You could’ve sent someone to get a fucken wheely chair — this very fucken wheely chair into which my ass is melting — and sat Brodsky on it and wheeled him to the Cage. You and June could’ve done it. You didn’t, though, right? Instead you got five, then ten of them to carry him because you wanted to thin their numbers because you knew they were snakes, and you wanted to give the Side a fighting chance in case the snakes attacked.”
I thinned their numbers because I thought their numbers were making the Side nervous, Benji. Nervous is contagious, and— What you’re saying’s not true. I didn’t think anyone would attack anyone, and I don’t think that now. I just thought that the Side was worried about what would happen if they were attacked, so—
“You thought that because you were worried about it yourself! Stop lying to me! I don’t see why you’re lying. There’s no one to protect here.”
If I was really worried about the Side getting attacked, I said, I’d’ve thinned the ex-Shovers’ numbers, not the other Israelites’.
“Wow,” Benji said. “Wow!”
Wow what? I said.
“Wow.”
Wow what?
“Wow I believe you.”
Good, I said. I told you I wasn’t—
“No,” he said. “No it’s not good. Wake the… Wake the fuck up, man.”
Good elbow on the desk, Benji had propped his chin on his fist at about the same time as he’d said his first wow. He smiled now, and his chin slipped down, so his cheek was on the heel of his hand. The smile went away in the course of the slip, but had come back harder once the cheek was situated.
“Tchhhhhhhhhhh,” he said, and got his face off his hand. He shook his head, as if to clear it out, but it didn’t seem to work — his face was all slack. “Fucken,” he said. Or maybe, “Fuck it.” The end of the utterance got snapped by a yawn he fought to suppress. When the yawning passed, he thumb-flicked the pointer of his broken hand, let out a muffled throatmoan, flicked again, and seemed, by that second pained jolt, to be driven back into his body.
Benji, I said. I’m sorry I acted shady about bringing you here. I should have told you what I was doing, but I didn’t think… I don’t know.
Again he’d set his chin on his good fist and again it slipped, and again he flicked his wounds, made pained noises, and returned to his body, though his eyes this time weren’t as popping. He tried to stand up, and then he stopped trying.
“Okay say that again,” he said. “I didn’t understand.”
I was saying how I know it was hard for you not to retaliate against Berman to begin with, I said, but especially after he insulted Main Man’s singing, and whatever else happened between you guys while I was out front with the firemen — I should have told you what I was doing, taking you here, but I didn’t think you’d be willing to back down any further.
“I don’t— What? What else would I retaliate for?” he said.
What do you mean? I said.
“What do you mean?” he said.
And I saw what he meant — or hadn’t meant: He didn’t know Berman was the one who’d brought him down at the end of the battle. I bit my lip hard, exercised a fantasy of retroactivation.
“‘To begin with,’” he said. “You said ‘to begin with.’ What’d I have to retaliate to begin with for? I mean… I mean what — what’d Berman do before you went out front?”
I said, You should lay down, Benji. Seriously. You’re barely awake.
“You’re fucken doing it again — but you’re doing it… worse. That fuck—” Benji’d made a move as if to flick himself again, but this time I grabbed the offending hand and held it down flat on the table. “Berman shot me, didn’t he? Let go, now. On purpose. Let go of me. He shot me’s what you’re saying, on purpose. I thought that was friendly, like accidental crossfire. He shot me, that fuck on purpose shot me. And then it was him who jumped on me.”