The tone came out of the intercom. It sounded more like a nightmare than ever. Some teachers called it the bell, but it did not sound like a bell at all. It sounded like a malfunction alert; the sound that broken objects would make if they had souls and could complain to each other. Group was over.
No one moved.
Sandy said, “Lunchtime.”
No one moved.
I said to them, We are on the same side. I said, We are all on the side of damage.
No one moved til I did.
4 FIRST SCRIPTURE
Story of Stories
Gurion ben-Judah Maccabee
Mrs. Diamond
4th Grade Reading
3/18/05
Dear Mrs. Diamond,
I love to read fiction, and I will never be able to fully express my gratitude to you for pointing me toward Goodbye, Columbus. I have since read Operation Shylock, and plan to read everything by Philip Roth before the end of the year, but I am not even remotely interested in writing a two-page short story about made-up Jewish people eating dinner, so instead I’ve written scripture.
I talked to Rabbi Salt about this on the phone last night and he said he didn’t think it would be a problem for me to hand in what I’m handing in, especially not if I wrote you a letter like this one, explaining my reasons, and also because the part of this scripture about my father and the fires he set, which I won’t spoil by telling you any more about before you get to read it, is a story that most people will not believe, and so you’ll think it’s fiction anyway. At the same time, though, I think it would be dishonest of me to pretend it’s fiction, and therefore disrespectful to you, and I want you to know that I’ve put a lot of thought and effort into making this scripture acceptable on all grounds — to make it feel fictiony enough so you know I’m not thumbing my nose at your assignment, but also to let it be as completely true as it is. For example, I’ve written sentences which are unlike those I have used in previous assignments, in that they have a lot of dependent clauses as well as occasional Yiddishe inversions and inflections, so that I sound like a narrator named Gurion ben-Judah, rather than the Gurion ben-Judah you know in real life. Also, I’ve arranged the contents in a fictiony way that withholds certain information to the last, to keep you in suspense, and I’ve done so by means of frames, like how Cervantes does in Don Quixote (already another of my favorites of your recommendations, even though I’m not even a fifth of the way through it yet). I did other stuff too, but— Is this letter as boring to read as it is to write? If so, I apologize. What follows, I assure you, is better than this.
Anyway, I hope you like it. And I hope that Samuel has gotten over his cold and that you are proud of him. Rabbi Salt took us to the playground for Torah Study the day the cold started, and it was gloomy out there, and we were talking about whether or not the prophet Jonah intended the ending of the Book of Jonah to be as hilarious as it is, and Samuel and I said, yes, that the Book of Jonah was the most deadpan comedy ever written, and someone, Ben Brodsky I think, said how he wished the sun would come out, and right then, the sun came out, and Samuel said, “I love when the playground gets sunny,” and then he looked at the sun and sneezed. It was the best-timed sneeze ever, I think. No one in Torah Study ever illustrated the complex meaning of the Book of Jonah better than your son did with that sneeze, and it made me proud of him, and I’m not even his mother. I know that that sneeze was the first announcement of his cold, but I think it was worth it, and I hope he does, too. And I hope you do, too. And I hope you enjoy this, my first act of scripture. And a blessing on your head.
Your Student,
Gurion ben-Judah
P.S. I almost forgot! Tamar of Timneh. Rabbi Salt suggested I tell you her story in case you’d forgotten it. I told him that was crazy, because how could you forget it, and he agreed that I was probably correct, but by the time he agreed, I’d already gotten nervous he might be right, and I’ve decided to refer you to Genesis 38, in case you did forget, and also to tell you the story myself, below, in case you don’t feel like going to Genesis 38 because maybe you’ve gotten comfortable and your Chumash or Tanach is not within reach. If you do remember the story, though, or have a Chumash or Tanach at hand, there’s no need to read the rest of this postscript…
Judah ben-Israel had three sons with the daughter of Shua: Er, Onan, and Shelah. To Er, the oldest, Judah married Tamar of Timneh, daughter of Shem, who lived in Timneh, where Judah had his sheep sheered. Tamar was not only the most righteous woman alive, but also the most gorgeous.
Er, however, was kind of a schmuck. Fearing that pregnancy would ruin Tamar’s beauty, Er took measures not to get her pregnant, and God killed him for his evilness. As was customary, Judah’s next-oldest son, Onan, married her. Onan, fearing the same thing as Er, spilled seed like Er had, and God killed him, too. Now Judah had only one son left — Shelah. Judah was scared he’d lose Shelah if Shelah married Tamar, so he sent Tamar home to her father’s house in Timneh to live as a widow, telling her that Shelah wasn’t old enough yet to be married, but that when he came of proper age, Tamar would be sent for, and then she could marry him.
A long time passed — Shelah grew up, Judah’s wife died — and Tamar was still living as a widow. She realized Judah wouldn’t let Shelah marry her, and the next time news came to Timneh that Judah would be passing through to check on his sheep-shearers, Tamar donned the veil of a harlot and stood by the crossroads. Judah approached and, not recognizing Tamar (good, thick veil), asked her to consort. She asked what he was offering. He offered her a goat, but he had no goat on him. She said it was a deal, but she needed collateral until she got the goat. The collateral she needed, she explained, was his signet, his wrap, and his staff. Judah agreed. The two consorted.
Tamar disappeared into the night with the collateral, removed her veil, and returned to her father’s house. When Judah went home, he sent his man to pay Tamar the promised goat and get back his signet, wrap, and staff. Judah’s man went to Timneh, asked after “the harlot who stands by the crossroads,” and was told by the people of Timneh that there was no such harlot. He went back to Judah and gave him the news. Judah decided it better to let the matter drop and let the harlot keep the collateral he’d given her, because the whole thing could become embarrassing — he didn’t want be known as a guy who had consorted with a harlot.
A few months later, news came that Tamar was pregnant, and Judah said she had to die for committing harlotry. He went into Timneh to burn her to death in public, and just before she was about to be burned, she whipped out the signet, the wrap, and the staff, and explained that she was pregnant by the man who’d given her the collateral, and asked that the man be identified. Judah understood that it was he who had made her pregnant, and he admitted it publicly, there on the spot, but he never consorted with Tamar again. Six months later, twins were born, Perez and Zerah.
That the messiah will be a direct descendent of King David — a direct descendent of Judah through Perez — is not up for debate; exactly how much of that information Tamar was aware of, however… is.
STORY OF STORIES
To strap down a chicken and pluck it while it’s living isn’t kosher, but that’s the only path to total baldness. The wispy little hairs in the feather-holes of kosher-slaughtered poultry remind my mom of eyelashes, which make her think of eyelids, and eyelids seem too thin to her to do their job.